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I missed them.
“Honestly, nothing has changed. Annie’s house is still a three-ring circus, Joss is determined to live like she’s in her twenties instead of almost forty, and Cagan might as well not come to dinner parties because he spends the entire time on that stupid phone. It’s literally attached to his hand.”
The familiarity of what she described settled me. I could picture all of it in my mind. And even the hint of a smile broke free.
“By the way, it’s your turn to have us over. Iguesswe can make other arrangements, but you’re not getting out of it when you get back,” she said playfully.
“Thank you for giving me a pass.” The smile widened, and this normalcy felt so good.
“You’re welcome.” She was quiet for a minute. Out of our group of friends, she was the most serious. The one who all of us called when we needed advice or just a shoulder to lean on. Because she kept a level head and had a way of putting things in perspective.
“I’ve missed you,” I blurted before I could think better of it. Maybe it was seeing Cagan the other day and now talking to Lawson, but I felt torn between two worlds.
I wanted to be here with my family. But I had a family there too.
“Missed you too. We all have. It’s not the same without you here.”
My chest squeezed. Before she’d called, hadn’t I been ready to run back to London to escape my problems?
“I’m sure it’s quite boring in my absence,” I said, faking a posh voice.
“Quite.” She laughed before it died down. “Have you seen him?”
My chest tightened again for completely different reasons. Thanks to a night with too much champagne, I’d unloaded about Cal. I’d hoped she’d forgotten.
Part of me wanted to lie. To deny I’d seen him plenty, let alone that I’d gotten tangled in his sheets. The other part wanted to dump it all out. So she could confirm that I was a fool and should stay as far away from him as possible.
“I take it by your silence, you have.”
“He’s friends with my brother.” It was true, but felt like a lame excuse.
“And judging by that sour tone, he still makes your heart go pitter-patter.”
“I never said that.” Pitter-patter was not in my vocabulary.
“Didn’t have to.”
“You’re supposed to let me wallow in denial instead of confronting me.” I sank farther down the bed, but I wasn’t angry with her. It was why she was such a good friend.
If Lexie knew anything about Cal, she’d have called me out too. Back then, there was something about him being just mine. Like if I talked about our relationship out loud, it would be taken away. I hadn't been willing to risk that, even though I'd needed her so much.
“So-rrry. No denial allowed here,” she said unapologetically. “What are you going to do?”
I dropped my chin to my chest and lifted my shoulders in an exaggerated motion as if she could see it.
“Nothing.”
And there was the hollow truth. For all my big plans about drop-kicking him after I’d had my fill, it was useless. I couldn’t hurt someone who had no feelings toward me.
Wish you’d have realized thatbeforeyou let him touch you.
I smacked myself in the face. If I wasn’t getting payback, I was sleeping with him for me. And if I was sleeping with him for me . . . ugh. Why couldn’t I let him go?
“You could forgive him.” The suggestion was quiet.
“No.”
I didn’t want to. The anger I held toward Cal had become a companion. I wouldn’t know who I was without it.
