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“At first, I didn’t think that I wanted to continue the relationship, but after my initial anger subsided, I decided that I did want my marriage even though sometimes I feel stupid for taking him back,” Keeva finished.
“Why do you say that?” Elisa asked.
“Because I always told myself that if something like this ever happened, that was it for us. I wasn’t going to stand for it. Now I feel weak because I’m here in counseling trying to fix it,” Keeva said.
“I’ve heard that a lot and I have experienced it myself. We set these naïve lines in the sand. When someone crosses them we think we know what we will do until we experience that situation for ourselves. I remember when the microwave oven came out. I told JD that there was no way I was going to put my food in that death trap! He purchased one anyway and guess what I did? I put my food in that death trap!” she giggled. “I know that a microwave is trivial compared to infidelity and heartbreak, but it’s the same principle. Sometimes our lines in the sand can become blurred. It takes courage to know which side of that line you are going to stand on,” Elisa finished.
“I hear you and I understand. I love my husband, I do, but I know that I have to love myself too. I just want to make sure I am making the right decision,” Keeva said.
“Look, we believe in marriage and we believe in love, but we also believe in divorce and moving on. There are some situations that absolutely cannot be resolved. We don’t encourage everyone to stay together, just the ones that seem like they should. So don’t think that just because you are sitting in front of a Pastor and a First Lady that we are going to tell you to shut up and stay married, that’s not how we roll,” Elisa finished.
“Okay,” Keeva said while rubbing her hands down the front of her jeans, “I can handle that.”
“Kerem, your turn,” JD said.
“Keeva summed it up. I had an inappropriate relationship with a woman that led to us sleeping…having sex. I was wrong. I’ve apologized. I’ve self-corrected, and I want to move forward. I’d never done anything like that before, and I don’t have intentions of ever doing it again.”
“I can tell by your body language, Kerem, that this is somewhat uncomfortable for you?” Elisa said.
I sat up straight and ran my hand along the side of my face.
“Yes, Ma’am. I’m mostly here because my wife suggested it. However, I am willing to be uncomfortable if it’s going to help us heal and move forward. It’s just that I’m not really that guy that would go to someone to help me fix my problems. I keep going until I figure them out myself. It’s not that I don’t think you all are qualified or smart or whatever, but I don’t know what you could tell me about us that I don’t already know,” I finished.
“I appreciate your honesty. We’ve had so many couples sit in front of us, and one or both of them really didn’t want to be here, so they put up this invisible wall that was almost impossible to penetrate. I’m glad that your wall is not invisible, Kerem. We will work together to remove that wall brick by brick,” Elisa said.
I nodded. Her voice was soothing, but her words held a promise that I latched on to.
“I heard you say something significant. You said that you were willing to be uncomfortable to heal and move forward. Healing can be painful, but it’s an important part of the process. I always say and will continue to say that the responsibility of the relationship falls on the man. You are the head of the house. When the house is not right, it’s your fault. I respect you for taking responsibility,” JD said.
“Let’s talk about your marriage. You said you’ve been together for fifteen years?” Elisa asked.
“No, we’ve been married for fifteen years. We’ve been together for twenty-two. We met when we were teenagers, dated through high school and married after college,” Keeva explained.
“Any children?” Elisa asked.
“No,” we both answered at the same time.
“We are not here to fix your broken relationship. We can’t because the relationship as you knew it is dead. Your first marriage is over. What do you want for the second one?” JD said.
“One of the easiest ways to sabotage this process is for you, Keeva, to keep asking questions that I know you think you want answers to, but the answers won’t do anything but make you hurt worse like, ‘Where were you? Was she better than me? How many times?’”
“He’s not very fond of answering those questions anyway,” Keeva said.
“I know you think you deserve to know those answers, but you will have to train yourself to curb your curiosity. Those details only make matters worse. Plus, we reject simple explanations because heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain that our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic. Usually, it’s not. Sometimes the answer is just as simple as because I had time and opportunity,” Elisa said.
“No reason will satisfy you,” JD added.
“It’s so hard not to ask, though,” Keeva admitted.
“I know, but let’s look at this like a wound, better yet, plastic surgery. Are you against plastic surgery?” Elisa asked.
“No, I say if it’s broke, fix it,” Keeva replied.
“Good, okay so you go to the plastic surgeon to get your breasts enhanced. He tells you there is a success rate of one hundred percent if you can keep these bandages on and let the wounds heal. Don’t take them off. I will take them off. You would say okay, right? You would follow the instructions because you want the best outcome?”
Keeva nodded.
“It’s the same thing with this. You have to train your curiosity if you want this healing process to work. Put the questions to rest if you want to heal,” Elisa finished.
