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I nodded my agreement.
“Anyway, I’m glad that you were able to work through that,” Elisa said.
“Yes, good job,” JD added.
“Can I ask why you don’t have children?” Elisa said.
“Kerem doesn’t want them.”
“Keeva doesn’t want them,” we both said at the same time.
“That’s not true,” we both said while looking at each other.
“Go ahead,” I said to Keeva.
“I thought you didn’t want kids,” Keeva said.
“Why would you think that? I’ve always wanted children with you.”
“After I had the miscarriage…”
“How long ago was the miscarriage?” Elisa asked.
“It was two years ago, but it wasn’t a miscarriage. Our son was born, but he didn’t make it,” I answered.
“Sorry to hear that, continue, please,” Elisa said.
“After the miscar…after he died, you never seemed like you mourned at all. I thought that you were relieved that he didn’t make it. Not in a malicious way, but like you didn’t want children, so it was for the best.”
“That’s not true at all. I was devastated when we lost our son.”
“You never talk about him,” Keeva responded.
“I don’t talk about Kade because I thought it hurt you to talk about him. I mourn him every day,” I wiped my tears.
“Kerem,” Keeva said and wiped my tears with her thumb. “I’ve never seen you cry.”
I’d worked very hard not to cry in front of her. It was not surprising that she’d never seen me cry.
Keeva and I were so excited to be parents. We took all the necessary precautions like changing our diet, reduced her stress by hiring her an assistant, and we read every book about parenthood. All of her doctor visits were great. She didn’t have any pain, and she never complained. One morning she woke up to go to the bathroom and her water broke.
Kade was born at six months. Keeva went through the entire birth process, but he was too small to make it. The doctors said that we could and should try again, but Keeva went on birth control immediately after. We never talked about trying again, and we never talked about Kade.
“I didn’t cry in front of you because I thought that I needed to be strong for you,” I admitted.
“Kerem, how did you feel when you couldn’t mourn openly?” JD asked.
“He could, though. I never asked him to be strong,” Keeva said.
“He couldn’t because he didn’t know that he could, Keeva. He was trying to protect you. The same way you didn’t mention wanting children because you thought he didn’t want them,” Elisa said.
“Oh…,” Keeva said.
“Kerem?” Elisa said.
“I felt…lonely.”
“Keeva, when you didn’t talk about Kade to Kerem, how did you feel?” Elisa asked.
