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Chapter 9
Aaron had always prided himself on not being a man who hesitated. Whether it was travelling, speaking his mind, or choosing what to eat, he had always found an art to being able to choose things in a spontaneous manner, free of second-guessing and free of regret. On that day, he felt an unusual sensation in his chest, a trembling in his hand, but he knew why, and it was because of what he was doing for Matilda.
He tucked a book of poems from the library in the barouche, something he did not anticipate himself doing upon his arrival atHardon.
He had gone to get the poems and had even allowed Ann in on it all so that they could coordinate a time for Matilda to ride out and read them. His feelings for her enabled Aaron to disobey his trepidation and move forward with helping her read. But at the very same time, it all felt somewhat wrong.
As much as Aaron enjoyed exploring life to its very edge, he did not like trouble or potentially getting into it.
And then there was the spot where he and Matilda had kissed. He needed to pass it every so often with a horse or get from point A to point B. Despite everything about that moment feeling like an adventure in itself, one that made his heart flutter, the guilt was there.
He had learned that guilt was an unavoidable aspect of caring, which was most likely why he would always choose carefully what he cared about. When it came to Matilda, there was no choice in the matter. His heart felt what it felt.
The guilt over kissing her stemmed mostly from Matilda being the daughter of the Earl. Not only was he stealing for her in a sense, but he had also kissed her. As a man who was supposed to be there just to work with horses, Aaron had already raked up a pile of controversies for himself. That was not in line with his life’s philosophy of exploring and staying out of trouble.
That day after hiding the poems, Thomas had seen Aaron staring at the spot where he had kissed Matilda. He had seen the expression on Aaron’s face.
“It isn’t every day that you look as though you are reliving a memory that changed your entire life.”
Aaron looked at Thomas and did not say anything.
“But if I were you, I would be careful.”
A lump formed in Aaron’s throat, almost prohibiting him from speaking.
“And why do you say that?” Aaron forced out to the best of his ability.
Thomas let out a sigh. “Must I explain? You know why. You are not a stupid man by any means. I’ve only known you for a short period of time, but I know that much about you. What your impulses are saying are not in your best interest.”
Aaron gave Thomas a measured look. There was sincerity on his face, so what he had been saying was backed by a pure intention. Would Aaron heed his advice? That was unlikely. But he would carry it with him just in case, as he did with all unwarranted advice from people.
Over the years, Aaron had learned that when it came to his outlook of life,living free, wanting to explore, there would be many who deemed it necessary to provide him with their own views. It was almost as if they saw him to be reckless. That wasn’t entirely the case when it came to Thomas, but there was a little bit of it with a straight-arrow like him. And how could there not be? Thomas was a man who thrived on routine, sticking with his job and remaining in one town. Looking at Aaron was like looking at an opposite, which could be hard for anyone to deal with.
“Thank you for the advice,” Aaron said, taking his leave from Thomas’ presence.
The second that he was by himself once more, he was riddled with thoughts.He was nearly overcome by their ability to replay in his head unwarranted. The main one was just how easy it was for people to see his feelings of attraction towards Matilda.
Aaron sat down on another bench not too far from the one he and Matilda shared a kiss on. The sensation of the hardwood beneath reminded him even more of that night. It was like sitting on a cloud with a woman who could make everything else in the world seem less important. Suddenly exploring wasn’t all that interesting. The idea of going on an adventure wasn’t as appealing without her in the imagination. And if Thomas could see the fawning on Aaron’s face in just a glance, then it was surely overtaking Aaron more than he wanted it to. That was a problem.
And then it was a tiny bird, flying down onto the ground that brought his stubborn side to the forefront. Flying had reminded him of the fact that things in life had the ability to go anywhere. And the only way to make that happen was through perception. Situations could be perceived in a plethora of ways, as big as the sky the bird came from. When it came to Matilda, he had not done anything wrong after that kiss. He was simply helping the girl read poetry. If anything, that was admirable.
He needed to think that way in order to rid himself of the guilt. Guilt was something that he could not afford to carry in his life. Guilt clipped wings and prohibited things from flying.
Aaron rose from the bench and went on his way to continue his day’s duties. He was proud of himself for finding a way to deal with his newfound emotions, emotions that seemed to throw off his normal way of thinking.
As he walked, there was another thing to put into perspective. Unlike the unlimited nature of the sky, his heart could only really expand so much for Matilda because they would only be around one another for a year. What could really happen in a year? One could look at that time as long, or one could look at that time as something that would be fleeting. It was perspective yet again, and Aaron would utilize it like a sword.
After a year, all the fuss around Matilda would be over. He would move on. Go back to where he came from and soon forget about Matilda and her deep eyes, soft lips, and enticing smile.
Aaron stopped walking and looked back at the bench in the distance. There was perspective, sure, but using it was a whole other ability. He could not think of Matilda without really thinking of her. Unlike dreaming about a forthcoming adventure, or his dreams, the moment that he simply imagined Matilda, he imagined all of her, down to her flowery scent. And that would make perspective hard, he knew. It was almost scary to think about. How much would it hurt when he had to leave in a year? How often would she creep into his mind after a year’s time being together when she had begun to do so on a regular basis after only a couple encounters.
He tried his best to keep those thoughts from entering his mind, but unlike his other thoughts, those were all-consuming and did as they pleased, so much so that it made him clench his fist in anger.
Later that day, he rode with Matilda and presented her with the book. Just seeing her smile was enough to put all his fears and concerns aside. When he was before her, nothing else seemed to matter, and everything made sense. The right choice seemed evident.
“This is wonderful,” Matilda said while opening the book as though it gave her brand new life. The way she smiled at the thing made Aaron smile himself.
It was then he knew when those ideas of things going bad popped into his head, he needed to remember the moments like those. Whenever he felt trepidation, fear, uncertainty, Matilda’s happiness was something that could remedy it all.
