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Chapter 15
The hooves of the horses were not enough to wake the sleeping Harper sitting across from Brian in the carriage. He had been wrong about what she looked like upon first waking up. She was just as stunning. Even in her sleep across from him, she glowed in the sunlight and kept her strength. There was nothing weak or unattractive about Harper down to her personality. She was turning out to be rather perfect, even after all the years of knowing her.
At that moment, she seemed at peace. Not everyone could fall sound asleep in a creaking carriage on their way to an extended trip. And Brian wondered if he had played a part in her newfound relaxation. He had not anticipated what had happened in their bedroom. And it was not leaving his mind. It had practically moved in and made a home in it.
The other new trait about Harper that he couldn’t ignore was the matter of her feeling like his wife. But that was something he fiercely chose to ignore. Just because things had been moving rather fast between them, and against his wishes, that did not make those things right.
“Driver, how much longer?” Brian whispered.
“Not long, Your Grace. We should be there within the hour.”
Within the hour had not been quick enough for him. He had found himself to be quite restless ever since Harper had moved in and being cramped up in the carriage was not helping that restlessness. He needed to move around. That always helped with clearing his head. The more he just sat there, the more he was prone to think about stuff he did not want to think about.
The day before his ride out with Harper was filled with dread. He did not want to take the extended trip and had only planned it to silence the already wagging tongues. There were parts of marriage that people had expected from them both. Brian knew that he had to fulfil a majority of them, or risk being found out that their marriage was a sham. He could not allow that to happen to Harper. So, events like taking trips together were a must.
The part of it all that scared him was the closeness. In being on a trip with Harper, in a rather unfamiliar place, he would not be able to simply walk away. There would be nowhere to go. When times would become uncomfortable, he would have to endure them. Enduring discomfort in situations was not a part of life that he had been used to. He was used to doing as he pleased and living by his own rules. That would no longer be the case, it seemed. Accepting that was difficult.
The trip felt like a joke to him, one that life was throwing in his face because all Brian wanted to do was steer clear of her for a while, especially after their intimate time. He needed the time away from her because even though he had told her that after they wed, there would be no love, he had begun to find that to be difficult.
The moment after their time in the bedroom, he had laid there holding her. It was an act that he felt he had no control over. And he enjoyed it. The vow he made to not only himself but Harper was slowly breaking like a tree branch being slowly bent. Even just looking at her in the carriage was solidifying that notion. Every touch and kiss they shared, that branch was getting bent further and further. When would it break? If Brian had his way, never.
He looked out of the carriage to the open terrain of grass and spread-out trees. Part of him wished he could just run away into the void. His friends wouldn’t miss him and maybe Harper would be able to start fresh. People would say her husband had run off. She would be able to live her life in any way that she so pleased.
What if all were temporary for her? What if he could just serve as the means to help her through a short period and then be gone from it all? At times, that seemed like a plausible way to go about it all. As much as she may have enjoyed their intimacy, the fact was he could not love her. Even if he felt the tides changing slowly.
He knew that eventually, the tides would hit the shore and he would close up and remain guarded as always. Which also meant that she would never have any children. Was she truly okay with that? Or had it been something that she had thought to herself would change over time? Maybe she assumed that one day Brian would change. If so, she would have a rude awakening.
In terms of the marriage being temporary, it was one look at Harper sleeping across from him and that idea fizzled away. For the time being, at least. It would come back. It was too viable a plan for it not to.
Harper shifted in her seat to get more comfortable. She remained asleep. Brian wondered just what the difference between her and other women was. And then it dawned on him. With the other women that he had courted for fun, he had always envisioned it ending. But with Harper, despite trying to envision one or flat-out make an ending, nothing came to his mind.
There was not a single way that he could envision his life with Harper coming to a close. That terrified him. At the same time, it also intrigued him. Somehow, after all their ups and downs, their relationship was strong. Even when he wanted to push her away, there she was in his home, in the same bed with him. None of it made sense to him.
Brian continued to watch his wife sleep, admiring her relaxed state. He was almost envious of it. There had been nothing to fear in his life, no other issues, or circumstances to dread. Harper had been more than accommodating to his wedding stipulations, and even though he had not dreamed of being in a marriage, it was more than tolerable, even somewhat enjoyable. So then, why was it difficult for Brian to relax? That’s what he wondered.
Just riding in the carriage with Harper gave him an impending sense of doom and he could not understand why. He wondered how much of it was guilt. He wondered how much of it was his heart telling him that their relationship would not sustain at the rate it was going. The only thing he could think to do was shift his thoughts to other parts of life, like the day ahead.
When they arrived, Brian said, “Harper…” She did not awake. “Harper…”
She bolted awake and looked both ways. It was one of those moments upon waking up where Brian knew she had forgotten where she was. When she laid her eyes on Brian, she held back a smile. “How long was I asleep?”
Brian laughed. “You were asleep for the entire ride.”
She shook her head in bemusement.
Brian found that to be cute, and he lent her his stare for her longer than he had wished.
“What?” she asked.
He wanted to tell her that she was pretty when she had just woken, that there was a glow about her that he could not explain. “Nothing. We should probably leave the carriage now.”
Harper nodded. Brian left the carriage and extended his hand out towards Harper to help her down. Hopefully, she had not been expecting more than the answer he had given her, although he knew that was most likely the case.
They spent the evening strolling along the water’s edge. The sun had begun to set towards the end of their time. But somehow, the walk had not tired either of them out.
Brian had realised that they had been speaking without any conflict. There wasn’t even any teasing really between them. Instead, they both spoke in sincerity with one another, and he enjoyed that.
“This lake is just how it was when we were children,” Harper said, gesturing to the calm and beautiful body of water next to them.
