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As she held the book in front of her, between pages, she would look up at Brian and bathe in his presence. The way that he would occasionally bite his lip while reading drove her desires to an almost uncontrollable state. She didn’t expect Marianne to understand that either, not that she would have ever revealed such emotions to her.
“What book are you reading? It looks like a history book,” Harper said.
“It is a history book. It is a book on Caesar. I always find the most troubled leaders in history fascinating.”
Harper found that to be ironic. Brian was the most troubled of all. Her trouble. And she liked it. “I see. I wouldn’t pick up any extra traits from them if I were you.”
Brian laughed. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with running a civilization. So what if I went mad with power?”
“You are a very confident man, aren’t you? Always so sure of your beliefs.”
Brian smiled that charming smile of his and she felt desire bubbling up inside her. It went from her chest to her throat, and before she knew it, she had no control over what words came through her nervous yet risky lips. “I love you.”
There was an instant regret that replaced the previous desire within her. Because when she looked upon Brian’s face, his paleness was impossible to avoid.
He wasn’t going to say it back, that was beyond evident. She had clearly made him uncomfortable and had no way in her mind to fix it. Instead, for a few seconds she froze in speech and felt a cold sweat wash over her.
When he remained quiet and avoided eye contact, she finally thought to say, “I do not need you to say it back Brian. That’s not why I said it. I said it because I just wanted you to know. I do not want to play games and pretend that it isn’t in my heart. That is all.”
It was in her plans to sway him into loving her. It had been the very last resort on her agenda. Just like everything else in her life, it had not gone to plan for her. And there she was, sitting with Brian with her heart in her hands.
The rest of the day for Harper had been filled with unease. She had not seen Brian since her confession. He had been in the house somewhere but had outright avoided her. It pained her. It made her wonder if she had been dead in the water before even trying to get him to love her back. There were so many questions, so many uncertainties, and it all stemmed from those three words that she could have waited to use.
But on the other hand, she wasn’t entirely regretful. She had been authentic in her intentions. She stripped away an invisible layer between them, that she had felt was slowing them down. It wasn’t good to regret parts of life, she knew that. And she was torn on whether or not she should allow herself to.
When she ate dinner alone, she worried even more so.
“He has opted to eat his dinner in the parlour tonight, claiming that his work had given him an ache in the head.” One of the servants had said to Harper while placing her food on the table before her.
“I figured as much. Thank you.”
When Harper finished speaking, the servant took their leave and the sound of his shoes clacking against the marble floor echoed in the room. Once the sounds got lighter and eventually stopped, Harper’s loneliness set in. She focused on jabbing the fork into her chicken. The more she fixated on everything but what had happened, the better she felt. But in between chews, it was no use.
Those three words plagued her thoughts like a sickness. She had never felt so uncomfortable being honest with someone. She had never been consumed with a moment in her mind to the point where she couldn’t not think about it. Before she knew it, she had lost her appetite and pushed the plate across the table away from her.
Later that night, her last hope for normalcy came when she went to bed. She had hoped that Brian would at least come to bed and sleep next to her. With that, maybe she would be able to talk to him about what had happened. It would be a good chance to affirm to Brian that there was no pressure to love her back, even though that was all that she wanted.
After getting ready for bed, she pulled the blankets down from the pillows and got into the bed. Her nerves didn’t allow her to be tired. She sat upright against the headboard and waited, while trying to figure out how she could remedy the situation. How could she undo the three words that had made Brian retreat to his shell like a turtle?
Nothing came to her. So, she sat there waiting. She did not think. She did not stress. She simply waited for her husband to come to bed.
But he never did. Slowly but surely, she began to feel tired. And then, as it hit the middle of the night, she gave up and laid down to go to sleep. All she could hope was that the next day would be better. The regret within her would not be gone, but the day could at least be better.
The next morning, the sun woke her up with both its heat and shine. She instantly knew that she had slept a little bit later than usual. The second that she noticed the empty side of the bed, she was reminded of her dilemma from the previous day. The fact that Brian hadn’t come to bed made her feel sick.
She rose from the bed and gathered clothes for the day. The part that bothered her most was the matter of how she had prepared for a loveless marriage, yet actually being in one felt impossible.
She had gotten dressed and headed downstairs to the dining room. To her surprise, Brian was sitting at the table drinking juice and eating eggs. There was an empty plate across from his where Harper was to sit.
“You didn’t wake me for breakfast,” Harper said while sitting down and serving herself.
“I figured you wanted to sleep,” Brian replied with barely any emotion in his voice. They sat in silence for a long while before Brian followed up by saying, “I will no longer be taking you to London. I don’t think it’s a good idea after recent events.”
The sickness that Harper had felt upon waking returned, except it was far worse. The little bit of breakfast that she had eaten in that short time wanted to come right back up. “You are only telling me to stay in the country because I saidI love you. That’s the recent event that you’re speaking of, right?” She dropped her fork.
Brian shrugged, continuing to shovel food into his mouth.
It was then that Harper’s rage boiled up to the back of her throat. She clenched her hands closed tight and then said, “You’re a coward, do you know that? All I did was be honest with you. Honesty is the one element to our friendship that has remained constant.” Brian never looked up to meet her eyes while she vented. “And now because the truth is painful for you to hear, you run in the opposite direction? That is the definition of a coward, Brian.”
Brian finally looked up and his face grew red. “There is nothing cowardly about sticking to an oath that I made to myself. One that I also explained to you from the beginning of this marriage. Yet you have complicated things. And in that complication, you expect me to go back on my word just because what…you are honest? I can’t deny it. I don’t want to bring you to London because you told me that you love me. There, there’s the honesty that you wanted.”
Harper did not want his words to affect her, because she knew from fights with family that oftentimes words lost meaning when they were wrapped in anger. But Brian’s words, they pierced her heart like a spear.
Harper rose from her chair and gave Brian unwavering eye contact with eyes that were soaked in tears. “You have no heart. You are nothing but a cold, heartless man. You may as well leave for London now since you do not want to be with me.” She then stormed off to her room where she locked the door. Once the click of the lock finished filling the room, Harper plopped down on the bed and let her tears fall into the pillow.
