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His father then grew angry, contemplating his previous assurance that it was okay to be open. “Have I failed my son that badly? If I, were you and I loved Harper, I would go back to her. I don’t understand why you complicate things for yourself. You have always been this way.” He watched his father’s hand close tight while speaking. “No matter what women you have been with in the past, you have always rejected them or pushed them away. You bring this trouble on yourself.”
His words reminded him of Harper’s. The way that she would berate him for his lack of emotional availability was plenty the same. And because of that, he found himself less mad about it than he thought he would be.
“Well?” his father continued. “Are you going to just sit there or are you going to pull the silent act that you’d pull when you were younger?”
Was he to tell his father why he was the way that was? He had never done so with anyone, but if there was anyone that could possibly understand, it would be his father. It was difficult to hold onto a fear his entire life and guard it with everything he had, and then finally open up about it—it might have been the hardest thing he ever did.
“I am scared to love Harper because of what happened with mother. After seeing it destroy you, I made a vow to myself that I would not love anyone the way that you loved my mother. How could I father children with the knowledge that they too could one day go through the pain that I went through in losing Mother?”
His father gave him a long look. It held a reserved sense of surprise and shock. But there were tears forming as well. That was when his father left his seat and walked over to the window. He must have needed to gather himself. Even though Brian had seen his father cry in the past, it was still a very taboo act to be seen.
When he returned from the window, his father took a deep breath and leaned forward in his seat. “When it comes to your mother, Brian, loving her was my greatest adventure. I would happily mourn her for a thousand years in exchange for the twenty we shared together.”
Brian nodded, he was taken aback and moved by his father’s sheer honesty. Hearing his father speak so openly about the one thing that nearly destroyed him made it seem just a little bit easier to open himself up. “I am still afraid, Father. I do not want to go through that pain. I wouldn’t know how to repair myself after it.”
“I know that there are few words that can douse that fear. And you’re allowed to be scared because that means that you care. Caring will make you a great husband. The fear of losing her will bring you closer. The thing is, you will always have that fear. You will always walk around with a level of pain and uncertainty. But because of those things, I promise you, you will appreciate the time that you have with her even more. You will cherish every morning you wake up next to her. You’ll cherish the highs that you share and even the lows because you, Brian, you’ll know what life looks like without her.”
“Thank you, Father.”
His father nodded. “Go be a great husband to your wife.”
After Brian took his leave from his father’s office, he ruminated on his words. Was it possible for Harper to forgive him for all the denials of marriage? Would she forgive him for being cold and treating her like a nobody when she should have been treated like a wife?
For the first time, he hoped that he could fix things between them. For the first time, he wanted a future and more importantly, he wanted to be a loving husband.
