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The movie gets done at three thirty and he tells me that our dinner reservations are not until six and then gives me an enticing look like he is asking if I want to replay what we did before the movie. We are walking out of the theater when we run into a group of guys outside, and I recognize some of them from the party where I met Andrew.
“Hey what's up slick?” The tall sandy blonde says to Andrew, I recognized him from the party. “Allison, this is Spencer. He is my roommate back at the house.” I smile and give him a little wave.
“We are heading back to the house, what are you guys here to see?” The brown-haired jock answered Andrew and told him about the action movie that was playing. He was another one that I recognized from the party.
“Oh, shit I never introduced you properly to everyone, sorry!”
Andrew looks down at me and gives me an apologetic smile. At that moment my feeling for him shifted, I could feel flutters in my stomach looking back at him. At first glance, you wouldn’t think he is this considerate guy, but boy do his looks deceive him.
“Guys this is my girlfriend, Allison Pierce.”
My doubts had subsided, and I felt on top of the world that he wasn’t at all embarrassed to show his closest friends that I was his girl. There was a girl around Spencer now and they both said hello. The brown-haired jock named Henry had another girl clung to his side now and they both waved. The last guy was by himself still and I felt a little bad that he was the third wheel, but I believe his name was Steve.
To be honest I was still in awe that I could call myself Andrew Dolan’s girlfriend. We headed back to Andrew’s house and ended up fucking two more times. Rougher with each time and if I said I wasn’t sore I would be lying. We both changed and Andrew took me to Spaghetti warehouse for dinner and it was a perfect end to our day. When we were done, he brought me back to
the dorm and kissed me goodnight. That was one of the best days of my life.
???
I finish my dinner and top off my wine before finalizing my trip for next week. After I finish my wine, I head to bed since I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow with dinner. I know I have to tell my parents about school, but I don't think they’re going to take it well at all.
Chapter Four
Iturn over in bed and slowly open my eyes when I realize where my hand is. I had the same dream again and it got pretty intense this time. I could feel how wet I was from imagining having Dexter in between my legs. I decided to close my eyes again and take care of myself right there. I mean there isn’t a better way to start your day without getting yourself off. After I'm trembling, I hop in the shower and start to get ready for the day. There are a few things I want to make sure I have done on my to-do list before leaving Thursday to go to Baltimore. When I'm in the shower I can't stop thinking about Dexter and where he is now.
These dreams are so vivid and I long for his touch, but I know that wherever he is that he doesn't look at me that way. I have no idea why these dreams started but they helped me get through the year with Andrew and all the marriage counseling. After catching him I was very reluctant to sleep with him after that. We were together for so long and married for that matter. I mean who cheats on their wife after trying to build a family together?
I still have that image seared in my head and will for the rest of my life and I know I should hate him for doing that, but part of me feels for him as well. I know that makes me sound weak for still having some feelings for a man that broke my heart, but I know that he did love me. I still clung to him at the beginning and all the good memories, but then the rough patches seeped through, and my realization becomes a little clearer. It's not like I completely gave up, I tried for a whole year after to fix us and it was just too late.
Do you ever wonder how your life can be so perfect and then you wake up and everything has been flipped upside down? That night when I told him about how I was thinking about going for writing, something in both of us changed. We both knew it but kept hiding it from each other. I get out of the shower and when I catch the glimpse of my naked stomach in the mirror it comes back to me like a tsunami.
???
It’s 2:38 am when I feel the warmth of something in between my legs. I slowly lift myself from Andrew's grip and lift the bed sheets. That's when I see the puddle in between my legs and to be honest, I panicked. I shake Andrew and call out for him to wake up. When he wakes, he grabs me in a state of panic asking what is wrong and at that point I was frozen. How could this be happening to me? I waited for so long for the time to be right for me to have this and it could be getting taken away from me right now.
He reaches for the lamp and that is when he sees the puddle of blood in between my legs. The concerned look on his face worries me even more. I see him gulp and then he hides his emotions to help me out of bed and into some clothes. I remember the drive to the hospital which felt like hours but in reality, was probably only ten minutes. When we finally got back to the room, I look at Andrew and even though he is trying to keep it together for me I know he is as scared as I am waiting on the doctor.
The doctor comes back to the room and Andrew jumps up from the chair still holding my hand waiting for the doctor to tell us our worst nightmare. He was apologizing and telling me about the process of miscarrying a baby and what to expect. But I didn't hear anything after he said that there was no heartbeat. I could hear the whole hospital go quiet even though clearly there was commotion going on everywhere. My whole body went numb and all I could think about was the fact that she was gone. My baby was gone, and I hadn't even felt her yet, not a flutter, or a kick. I lost her before I got to know her, then I saw Andrew and the tears coming down his face. This man doesn't cry, he hadn't even cried at our wedding. I snapped back to reality and hugged him. I broke our silence first once the doctor apologized again and left the room. I didn't know what to say to him to make him feel better this time because I was hurting with him and maybe even more.
“I’m Sorry”
I didn’t know what else to say to the man that I loved so much clung to my side crying his eyes out. He looks up at me with tear filled eyes and grabs my face, he places a wet kiss on my lips. He puts his forehead on mine, and he wipes my tears with his thumbs.
“You do not need to apologize Allison; you did nothing wrong! Don't you ever think this is your fault. I love you so much.”
At that moment I completely forgot about our argument at dinner. We both told each other that we were fine as long as we were alongside each other. But I knew that deep down this moment right here was going to take a long time to repair and that this was either going to make us closer or break us.
???
I come back to reality shivering from still being wet from my shower and quickly grab my towel and wrap it around me. I can feel my eyes watering, but I refuse to let myself cry again. I lost my baby before she even was a baby and that will forever affect me, but I don't want to be sad every time I think of her. I want to cherish the way I felt when I first found out she was growing inside me.
I know that someday I will hopefully have kids, and I know that I will be an amazing mother. I got dressed and pulled out my laptop to make sure my hotel reservation was confirmed for Thursday night, and I browsed some more at the apartments near school. I haven't received any other emails from John Hopkins, so I believe that they have everything they need from me.
I need to have everything set for when I leave so I can somehow look like I have my life together for dinner tonight. I know that my aunt will have my back when I tell them but I'm hoping my mother doesn't cry again like she did when I told her about dropping out of Law school. At least I won't have to worry about my father since he doesn't take any interest in my life at all. Being the only child, I thought that he would be involved with everything, but he just
worked all the time and that was it. No sports games, no father-daughter trips, no personal conversations to see how I was doing. I grew to know that our relationship was going to always be like this.
I did feel for my mother at times when she tried extra to make sure she was there for everything. I still feel guilty sometimes for not telling her about the baby, but we were waiting to get further along just in case something happened. I wouldn’t want to put that hurt on another person, especially my mother. She never resented my father because he did love us and just showed us by providing for us. But I would be lying if I didn’t long for that fatherly love that daughters always talk about.
