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But I don’t let myself head down that road because I’m not going to cry again right now. I still have to talk with him. I’m not leaving this planet and I’m not leaving Asili again, and maybe, just maybe, I can at least explainmyself to him this time before he leaves. This is not over yet.
I’m just steeling myself to stand up and head after them when a polished pair of black shoes appears before my knees, and my eyes trace up formal slacks and an expensive black trench coat to stare at Vahadr’s face.
“Why are you still on the ground?”
I blink. “I, uh, because…I’m being dramatic, I guess?”
“I see.” The faintest smile tilts up the corners of his mouth, and I hate how much it affects me, how it makes my heart flutter and my stomach somersault and my brain think stupid, fanciful thoughts. When he reaches a hand down to help me up, I try to hide the way my fingers shake.
“Where’s…?”
He gestures behind me as I stand, and I glance around to see that Kyrin has arrived and is escorting Asili off towards the carrier with half of the bodyguards. “Oh.”
“Thank you for helping me find him,” he says quietly, and the little smile fades away. “I don’t know how long this would have taken without you. Anything could have happened.”
We stand in silence for several seconds, but he doesn’t make a move to leave, he just watches me.
“I’m sorry!” I blurt out, and I hadn’t been planning to say it like this but I can’thelp it. “I’m sorry, Vahadr, I’m—I should have told you about Nkina as soon as I found out. I was a coward. You looked so stressed and I didn’t want to add to it, and I didn’t know how you’d react or if Asili would be treated differently afterwards or… If I’m honest I was afraid that you’d—that you’d look at me differently afterwards, that you’d think I was trying to—I mean, I guess you did think the worst but I kinda made that fear come true just by acting this way and…”
I take a deep breath because I’m babbling, and try to sort my brain out.
“Ana—”
“No, wait,” I gasp, and when I run a hand through my hair, it comes away damp. It’s starting to rain a little harder. “Wait, Vahadr, let me finish first, please.”
I look on the man in front of me, trying to find something grounding. I focus on the silver hair that sits tousled on his head. On the uncharacteristically expressive and yet still somehow inscrutable look on his face. On his sharp jawline and his soft lips and his eyes, his intense blue eyes which are watching me, flicking back and forth across my features as if searching for something.
“I found out that my sister was Asili’s biological mother about…a week ago, I think.” I pull at the long sleeves of my shirt and fiddle with the edges. “Before then, I knew she was the one hired to carry him to term, but that’s all. And the only reason I even knew that was because she’s a terrible gossip who loves celebrity news, and she had me search into who she was surrogate for just because she was convinced it was someone important she might have heard of.”
He seems a little confused as he stares at me, his eyes continue to dart all over me as if trying to uncover some secret.
“I was there at the orphanage that day looking for Asili, but it was just so I could check on him for her so that she’d shut up about it. I was going to leave again straight after. It really is that dumb, Vahadr. Just plain old curiosity, I wasn’t even going to come near you guys…”
I pull again at my sleeve as I stare back at him, stretching the material to its limit as I twist it from my wrist. “It’s so stupid, but that’s it. I never had any plans to hurt you or Asili, to blackmail you or force you to give me anything…I mean, you’ve already offered me everything I ever wanted of your own free will, what else could I even ask you for?”
His brows crease and lift up in the middle again and he opens his mouth, but no words come out.
“You told me you’d bring my family here on the very first day you met me,” I say quietly, and my voice is quaky and frail because I’m crying again god damn it, but I can’t stop. “That alone was almost everything. But then you…you started looking at me in this way and—and you offered me your smile and your trust, and then your affection and your body and…a-and maybe your heart, I don’t know, but there’s nothing else that I could want from you, anyway…”
My voice is so small by the time I finish I’m surprised he even hears me, but he looks suddenly up at the sky at my last words, and he releases this strangled puff of air, and anything else I might have said simply dies away.
I was going to be strong. I was going to tell him firmly about my plans to continue at MITL, to remain in Asili’s life, but instead I look down at my sleeve and keep twisting it back and forth as the rain begins to drench the grass at our feet.
“I’m sorry that I’ve broken your trust,” I whisper. “I just wish—”
He steps into me then, and I stop speaking as one of his hands comes to grip my waist while the other settles warmly behind my neck, tilting my face back to look at him. It’s really starting to rain now, and droplets are streaking down his creased brow as he blinks. He takes a breath through his mouth as if to speak, but when nothing comes out, he pulls me tighter into his chest, seems to try again, and then just shakes his head in silence.
My heart is thudding wildly in my chest with hope at his sudden nearness, and I lift one hand up tentatively to rest on his jaw. “Vahadr?”
And then he leans forward and kisses me. When his lips press down to claim mine, everything in the world but his breath and his heat fades away from me. With a sob I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him back with all my heart. And when he finally pulls away, my head is swimming and his breath is ragged.
“Ana,” he rasps, and when I open my eyes I see that his brows are still pulled tight. “I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” he repeats, and his fingers curl tighter around my neck. “You gave yourself to me, and I threw you out. I’m sorry.” He leans his forehead down to press against mine. “You trusted me, and I didn’t offer that same trust in return. Of course you did not plan to hurt Asili and I. I know you did not.”
I blink up at him. His voice is raw, his face open and emotive, and his fingers clutch at me as if he’ll never let me go again.
“All I had to do was think outside myself for one moment to see the truth. All I had to do was look at you to know. And I did not. I turned away.”
“V-Vahadr,” I say, feeling even shakier now than I did before. “It’s—”
But he stops me with a shake of his head, and the hand on the back of my neck moves to rest against my cheek. “Ana, the way you helped me today, the way you are with Asili…that is who you are and that is who I—” he takes a quick breath, and his fingers tighten around my waist “—who I love. Please come back. I’m sorry.”
I stare at him, and despite everything—despite the rain and the chill and the absolutely miserable day and a half it’s been—I smile, and it feels broad and happy and like it will never come off my face again.
“I love—I love you,” he breathes once more, and the way he stutters the phrase makes me wonder if he’s ever said it to anyone beside Asili before. “Come home.”
“Fine, you bully,” I huff. “But only because I love you too.”
