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She chuckled. “Broken ulnas and strep cultures don’t exactly leave you with the same feelings of awe.”
“Point taken.” He grinned at her. “I’m going to go clean the porch while the paramedics finish up.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I’m way too jacked up to go to sleep at this point.”
“I know the feeling. Careful of your back.”
“It’s feeling pretty good.”
He was on the mend—and planning to leave tomorrow. Avery watched as he headed outside. She didn’t want to think about that.
Avery turned her attention to the sleeping baby and tucked the blanket around her head to help maintain her body temperature. She had delicate brows and pale eyelashes that swept over her flushed cheeks. The bridge of her nose was wide and flat above the little button tip. Her bottom lip buckled in the center, tucking into the upper one.
She was perfect.
And she was something Avery would never have. She would never know the joy of carrying her baby beneath her heart. Never know the exhilaration of bringing her child into the world. Or holding the precious weight in her arms. She would never gaze down on her baby’s face and assess whose eyes, nose, and lips she had.
Something heavy and terrible swelled inside. She was vaguely aware of the paramedics pushing the gurney through the lobby and lifting it down the porch steps. But she couldn’t tear herattention from the infant in her arms. Her breath felt stuffed in her lungs.
Think about something else.The patient form she needed to fill out. The good possibility of acquiring an additional doctor.
The baby’s eyes fluttered open and locked on Avery. They were as blue as the summer sky and studied Avery’s face with startling alertness.
“Hello, little one.” Her voice quivered. Did the baby think Avery was her mama?
The infant turned her head and began rooting.
The raw yearning to be a mother clawed at her insides. What would it feel like to hold a piece of yourself in your arms? To nurture her and protect her and love her with all your being? She would never know. She cradled the infant against her chest, against her empty womb, against the breasts that would never nurture a baby.
She tore her gaze from the child and swallowed against the achy lump in her throat.
Think about something else.
The ambulance lights that strobed around the lobby. The jovial chatter of the paramedics outside her door. The pungent smell of antiseptic hanging in the air.
A paramedic stuck his head in the doorway. “Ready for the baby, Dr.Robinson.” He tapped the door frame and was gone.
Avery’s arms tightened around the infant, fighting the ridiculous urge to run. To take the baby away somewhere. It was a crazy thought. Completely irrational. Something she would never do. What was wrong with her? She held babies all the time. She did well-checks and gave vaccinations and treated ear infections and colic.
Moreover, the decision not to have children had been her choice. She stared down at the baby’s sweet face, the extraordinary night flooding back and making her feel emptier somehow. Before this moment she’d never really digested all she was giving up. And right now, the immense weight of that sacrifice was crushing.
“Dr.Robinson?” someone called from outside.
Avery forced her feet to move toward the door. Tried to prepare her heart for the imminent parting. Time seemed to disintegrate and then she was letting the paramedic take the baby from arms that felt suddenly empty and weightless. She lifted the corners of her mouth as Nadine said good-bye. She heard the doors slam shut and the engine rev as the vehicle pulled from her parking lot.
She turned to the clinic. Wes stood under the porchlight, watching her as she approached. Wes. She couldn’t even think about him leaving tomorrow. She was losing him too.
“I’ll put these in the washer.” He followed her inside.
She beat back the emotion welling up inside.Not now. Not yet.“Thanks.”
She made her way across the lobby and down the hall. Paperwork. She would distract herself with details. She needed to hold it together for just a few more minutes. Once Wes left, she could release this well of emotions she hadn’t even known was on the verge of overflowing.
As she entered the office, she straightened her spine. Tried to breathe in the familiar scents of lemon polish and stale coffee. But she couldn’t pull in a full breath—her lungs seemed to be filled with cement.
Before she could gather herself, Wes entered and lamplight flooded the room.
