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“Lie down,” Rafe told them, and they huffed before sprawling out on the floor. “God, all three of them are such big babies.”
Russell hummed his agreement as his belly rumbled. The dogs lifted their heads, peering up toward the bed to find out what the noise was. “Maybe it’s time to make some dinner,” Rafe said before he slipped out of bed and began pulling on his clothes.
“You know, there’s no rush.” Russell grinned as he sat up.
“I know,” Rafe said, and Russell could almost see Rafe’s walls started to rise once again.
Russell rolled over, his chin on his hands. “What is it that you’re afraid of? Me getting to know you and rejecting you?”
Rafe shrugged. “I don’t know.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “Maybe if I keep everyone at bay, then they won’t get the chance to reject me.” He slumped forward. “All I figured when I came here was that I’d have the chance to build some sort of life after the rodeo.” He turned around. “I didn’t expect to find you and your family… or see the chance to have a normal life.”
“You mean rodeo isn’t normal?”
Rafe scoffed. “It’s the anti normal. Constant travel. Hotels and quick meals and… hell, quick everything.” He turned back to face Russell, smiling. “I loved that life for a lot of years. There were no commitments, and relationships, other than friendships, didn’t seem too important. There was always the next rodeo and the next ride to look forward to. When I got hurt, I went to the hospital and got fixed up, then trained as soon as I dared and got back on the bulls most likely too soon. But if riding was paying for the food and the place to stay, then I had no choice. I had to ride in order to live. Working to live is normal; taking your life in your hands… is not.”
“And yet you loved it. I can tell by the light in your eyes.” A chill went through Russell, and he pulled the blankets over him, even though the chill had nothing to do with the temperature in the room. “You’d go on riding.”
“Oh God, yes. It’s in my blood.” Rafe grabbed one of the bags from the chair next to the bed and began pulling things out. “These are my buckles—the prizes I received for my wins.” He placed a huge one in Russell’s hands, the weight of it considerable. “That’s the world championship prize. I also have a trophy that’s in one of the boxes in the corner. I rode to win each and every time.” He shrugged. “As much as I would love to go back into rodeo, I’m getting old, and I don’t heal the way I used to. My arm still aches from my last ride, and it will for a while. As much as I might want to go back, physically I can’t do it anymore. I need to figure out a life away from there.”
“And thanks to Mack, you have the chance for that life.” He rubbed Rafe’s arm. “But it doesn’t have to be rodeo-free. You could raise bulls or horses for the rodeo. You know good stock because you’ve been around it for years. This is your ranch. All you need to do is figure out what you want to do with it.”
Rafe half smiled. “That’s the question, isn’t it? I mean, Uncle Mack raised cattle, and I could continue to do that if I wanted.”
“Yes. The herd is small right now, and if you wanted, you could raise more. I have contacts in all areas of livestock and could put you in touch with a lot of people. But I can tell you that starting out in any venture takes money, and I hate to say, but it takes a lot of it.” From what Rafe had said, there was some in the estate. But building a good bucking program took years of work, expertise, and what could amount to millions of dollars just to get started.
Rafe smiled and leaned back until his head was right near Russell’s. “I don’t think I have to make any decisions right away.”
“No, you don’t. And before I forget, Dad wants to talk to you about a business proposition. He told me what it is, but I think it’s best if it comes from him directly.” Russell wanted to distance himself from that part of the business. This way there couldn’t be any misunderstandings. The last thing he wanted was for Rafe to think Russell had had sex with him to get him to lease Russell’s dad the land.
“I see.” Rafe’s expression darkened.
“It’s not bad or anything. Just that it’s Dad’s idea and he should be the one to talk to you about it.” Russell slipped off the bed and got dressed as the dogs all jumped up, taking the warm spots. Rafe finished dressing as well, and then they both headed to the kitchen.
“YOU HAVEto be kidding me,” Rafe said, laughing.
“I wish I was. John’s kids were playing in one of the puddles, and they had mud up to their ears and smiles as big as Texas. I stood next to him and said he was going to need a crowbar to get those kids to stop playing. I turned back to the kids, and the next thing I know, John was gone. I looked around for him and found him in one of the barns, looking for tools. The guy was actually trying to find a crowbar.” Russell could barely talk, he was laughing so hard. “I’d always known that John was none too bright, but that takes the cake.” Russell grinned.
“You’re full of shit,” Rafe said. He ate his last bite of salad before setting down his fork.
“I wish I was. John was amazing with the livestock, but a box of rocks had more common sense than he had. I felt sorry for his kids, but they seemed normal and healthy enough. That had to be his wife’s doing.”
Rafe collected the plates and carried them to the sink. “I wish I could offer you something for dessert. I think I might have some cookies or something. I can cook basic things, but baking is beyond me.”
“I can’t do that either, and Violet is pretty militant about her kitchen. Not that I want to step on her toes. She takes good care of Dad and me.” Russell sat back in the chair, his belly full.
Rafe brought coffee refills and then sat down. “I appreciate all the help today and, well….” He grinned, and his cheeks reddened. “Let’s just say it’s been a while for me and I don’t know how to behave. Do we talk about it? Or…?”
Russell shrugged. “Is there something to talk about?” He took Rafe’s hand. “I thought that you did plenty of talking when we were together. It turns out that you’re very expressive.” He winked and leaned over the table. “It was really hot.”
Rafe smiled. “I don’t know. Like I said, most of my experience didn’t involve talking, and it sure as hell didn’t end with dinner afterwards.” Russell squeezed his fingers. “I like it this way. I felt dirty most of the time back then.” He lowered his gaze. “I always thought there was something wrong with me. It didn’t matter that I’d stood up to my parents. They still rejected me. The people who were supposed to love me most turned away and didn’t want me anymore. So there had to be something wrong with me. Then I met guys to help pay for food, and those encounters were furtive and quick because they didn’t want to get caught.” He shook his head as if trying to make the thoughts disappear.
“You know that sex isn’t dirty. It isn’t something that you need to be ashamed of any more than you need to hide your past. You did what you had to in order to survive.” Russell tried to put himself in Rafe’s position, though he found that nearly impossible to do because his experiences were so vastly different. But one thing was certain—Rafe still carried a lot of baggage about what had happened to him. He might have made it to the top of the rodeo world, but inside, he was still riding that bull, trying to hold on and figure out who he really was.
Russell had always known who he was. He’d figured out the gay thing pretty early, and his parents’ support, especially his mother’s, had gone a long way to helping build his self-esteem. Still, his experiences with that jackass Jase had managed to give that self-esteem a good thrashing. In many ways, he was no better than Rafe when it came to relationships.
Night had fallen some time ago, and Russell watched as snow floated down past the window. “It looks like I should be heading home.” He checked his phone. “The snow is expected to continue well into the night. If I don’t leave now, I’m not going to make back to the ranch.” He stood and took his mug to the sink.
Rafe sat still and didn’t say anything. Russell figured that Rafe had things he needed to work through. They had found some items that had obviously brought up difficult memories for Rafe. On top of that, the two of them had ended up in bed together. It had been hot and wonderful, but for Rafe, sex wasn’t merely fun. Hell, it wasn’tjustfun for Russell either. Sex meant emotions, complications… and both of them had shadows in their pasts.
