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There is an enormous window that overlooks the back of my father's house. I can see the water that seems to surround us, though it only runs below us on the rocks there. Trees hang low over the small house in the back where Anise is staying. I have the perfect view of the front of it.
When she comes out, I can see… watch. She does this thing where she comes outside in the morning around nine. She strolls around the house, takes a walk down the path to see the water, and sits there for a while, just looking out into oblivion. Around ten-thirty, she usually heads back inside. The front window of the house allows me to watch her move around the kitchen. Sometimes I try to figure out what she's cooking. I'm usually never right, but it doesn't stop me from trying. And I can only get a glimpse of her plate. So I could be right, but the shapes and colors are what I use as a guide.
When I initially tried to watch her, that very first time that I noticed her back there, it damn near killed me. My brain literally felt like it was on fire. I seized hard. Probably one of the hardest ones I've had. And I attribute that to fear. I was alone. There was no one to help. Nobody knew. And I couldn't call out to get help. Even though Anise was right there. And hopefully, she wouldn't have let me die.
Now, I've been exposing myself little by little to the sight of her. Sometimes, I would just listen to her. Feel her presence as she moved around outside. I even moved to sit on the balcony, on the ground, so that she couldn't see me and vice versa. But I could feel her. Something about us was in tune, even if it was only on my side. It made me want to move closer, see what she saw, breathe the same air, and even feel what she did. She seemed sad sometimes. Others, worried. On the rare occasions when she smiled, it brightened my day.
Though she walks every day, once in the morning and once in the evenings, she still seemed to fill out her clothes. Becoming curvier. I enjoyed it. And I knew that was something that I've always enjoyed. A woman's curves were my kryptonite.
Today, she seemed thrilled. She was looking at some sort of paper. It was small. Card size. She wiped at her eyes, confusing me. And right on cue, she looked my way. I knew she couldn't see me, but if her instincts toward me were like anything that I felt for her, she knew I was here. Had to. She took steps in my direction, but something faltered her steps. Fear? She looked down at whatever she was looking at and when she glanced up, the happiness that was present before now appeared as anger, frustration, and sadness all rolled into one. She stormed back inside and slammed the door. I wish I knew what had changed her mood. I wish I could go to her and rewind time so that those good feelings that she lived in before would come running back. Something told me it was the only way that I could ever bring back that moment for her because now, it was only a moment that was now turned into history. There was no changing it. No going back. All that was left was whatever turned that positive moment negative. It was tarnished for her. That's what she'd remember forevermore.
Chapter Twenty-Three
ANISE
My phone rang, startling me. I knew that ringtone. I knew it was Raphael. This game that we were playing was fun at first, but today seemed like the complete opposite. He needed to know who I was. I needed for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me how much he loved me. I needed to look him in the eyes and see confidence reflecting at me about us so that I could tell him all the things. And the biggest news yet, I needed him for. I was growing tired of second-guessing. Angry that I was out here alone and that it still wasn't time to see him. Time was moving along and right now, he was missing something wonderful. Maybe the hormones were getting the best of me. Or maybe the fact that I had two…
The phone rang again, and I growled at the damn thing. Why did it keep bothering me? Why was he taunting me?
"Hello!" I shouted.
"Um. Is this–this a ba–bad time?" Raphael's shock was apparent. He paused before he spoke and seemed to stumble for words. Good! He needed to be surprised.
"Yeah, it is!" The rage that I felt was growing by the second. And though part of me knew I was being unreasonable, I couldn't reel it in.
"I'm sa–sorry. I won't bother you." The line went dead, and it tipped the scale.
The dam burst open and I bawled like a baby. Enormous body jerking cries erupted. They broke free as if they'd been held back for way too long. Though therapeutic, it was still all too sad. I couldn't find the silver lining in any of this. Maybe it was time. I'd been holding on to hopes and wishes for way too long. I needed the comfort of my home.
The phone rang again, and I cursed the stubborn man for his persistence.
"Yes?" I answered, unsure of why he was calling back and hesitant to hear his voice. I didn't want to fall apart with him on the phone.
"It just can't be coincidental that you're in a bad mood and she is, too. She was angry when she stormed inside. You seem just as angry as she did."
"Raph, what are you talking about?"
"You're Anise. You just have to be."
Desperate hope flared, but I couldn't let it win yet.
"Yes, I am Anise."
"You don't know how happy that makes me. I thought you were someone different. Another person I needed to meet and figure out. But you're not. You are the same person I've been getting to know."
"How so?"
"I know that you're very systematic. Walk, breakfast, and then take a nap on the couch. You always put three spoons of sweetener into your tea. You always walk out of the house and follow the path on the right instead of the left."
"How… how did you know that?"
"I watch you from the balcony every day. I've been trying to sensitize my mind to you. Something about you sends it in a million different ways. And I really didn't want my mystery woman to be Ruthgina."
"Why?" That warm fuzzy feeling of hope bloomed. I needed him to not want her. Could it be?
"She seemed pa–put off by ma–me. I have ena–nough going on that I don't need that." Raphael sighed in frustration.
There had only been a few times I heard him stutter. And it was when he was excited. I'd asked Claudia about it and she'd informed me it was a side effect of the accident, the seizures, or when they relieved the pressure from his brain. Either way, it was his new reality. He was in multiple therapies to figure it all out, but, for now, this stutter was a part of him. Somehow, it made him seem more human since I always felt like he was untouchable.
