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“Landon’s the lead role….”
It’s all I can hear and then my ears begin to buzz as I sit up straight and fixate on her.
“What do you mean? What’s going on?”
Her and Vikki share a look. That wasn’t what they told me. They’ve pushed me into the movie to see how the reception to me playing a gay character goes. If it goes okay then they’ll let me come out, like that even matters to me anymore.
It doesn’t. Nothing does, not since…
I cut my thoughts off before I start to spiral down that self-destructive path. I can’t think of Landon without pain lashing at me in waves. I miss him every single moment of every day, but I don’t deserve him, not after what I did.
He’s the one cast to play Grant opposite me. Fuck! He is going to kill me. This is his dream role and when I try to back out, Cameron, Maggie and Vikki all gang up on me and force me to stay.
“What’s going on?” My voice is high in panic as it threatens to consume me while I wait on them to answer me with why the fuck they thought casting me or forcing me into a part in a movie when the love of my life is playing opposite me even though he hates me now.
“Landon is playing Grant?”
The words sound foreign to my ears and I stare between them like it’s a joke, like they are just messing with me because I wasn’t paying attention.
“Yes.” Maggie’s voice is stern, forced and I hate her a little bit more than before which is saying something because she’s a fucking bitch and I can’t stand her on the best of days.
“He is and you need to do this.”
“Like fuck I do. Turn this car around. I’m not doing this. This is his big break, he deserves this. I won’t fuck this up for him.”
“You will not back out of this. You’ve already signed the fucking contract so man the fuck up and stop whining like a little bitch. You’ve already cost the record company thousands with us having to reschedule your tour and your album sales dropped like thirty percent because of how distant you’ve been. You need this, the boys need this from you, so you are doing it?”
Her words make my head spin and I want to snap back at her that the reason for all of this was their complete refusal to let me come out. That’s what caused him to leave and me to ask my friends to come over to help me get drunk and high because I hurt him again and I couldn’t cope with it.
“No, I won’t. I’m not…”
“Yes, you are. We’re almost at set.”
“No, you can’t…”
“Vikki, reason with him. I can’t anymore.”
She stops speaking and starts ignoring me, scrolling through her cell as Vikki pats my knee and gives it a soft reassuring squeeze that sets my teeth on edge. She knows why this is a colossal mistake, but when I look at her, she’s smiling gently.
It’s Vikki’s words that convince me because she’s the only one who knows the whole story, other than my bandmates.
“Maybe this’ll be a good thing.”
My eyes widen and I must look comical because she chuckles at my expression.
“Oh yeah, seeing the love of your life a year after you take a bomb and explode it on your relationship is bound to be a good thing…”
My chest heaves when I think about facing him and my palms itch. I left my blade at him, but my need to cut is making my skin feel tight and my anxiety soar.
“He’s going to hate this and blame me. I didn’t want this for us. I wanted to marry him…”
“I know you did babe.”
Her words soothe me a little and I stare at her, wondering how I got so lucky that I get to call her one of my best friends. She’s my rock and I love her so much for everything she’s done for me, especially over the past year when I’ve been little more than a shadow of my former self.
“Maybe you’ll get closure, and you can finally move on from him and the mess that was your relationship.”
“Closure? I don’t want closure. I want him… I still love him, Vik. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to face him after what I did?”
