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“It wasn’t your fault…”
I laugh at her, a humorless, broken chuckle that hurts because it is one hundred percent my fault. I was a coward about it too. I ran to England three days after he left because I couldn’t stay in that house. I couldn’t bear to look around and see the memories of the life we’d been building together.
“It’s time to get to set. There’s a cast meet and greet happening and Maggie wants you there.”
“Please, Vik. Please don’t make me go there?”
She smiles and hooks her hand through mine.
“Come on, put the act on that’s gotten you through the last year. You can do this. I’ll be right beside you.”
We walk across the lot arm in arm, and she smiles at a load of people that I completely ignore. The sun is beaming down on me and sweat is trickling down my back. I can’t fight the nerves I’m feeling and my skin tingles for a moment and when I turn, I see the back of his head disappearing out of a building.
He’s not where I’m headed but I know it was him as we walk past the building he came out of and around the corner to another building on the edge of set. My fists open and close as I fight my anxiety and try to remain present. My therapist would be proud, but I don’t need therapy anymore.
It’s not like I’m trying to get better for anyone. I’m just trying to survive and get through each day without the pain swallowing me whole.
By the time we reach the door to the cast meeting place I’ve started hyperventilating, and Vikki rushes me inside, pushing me down the corridor and into a room. She shoves me onto a chair and puts a cold compress onto my neck.
“Breathe, H. It’ll be okay.”
I shake my head and my breathing worsens because it wouldn’t be. Nothing will ever be okay again. The only thing that would make me okay hates my guts.
“Why did I think I could do this? It’s a mistake. I’m not good enough to do this. I’m useless, selfish, horrible…”
I don’t even realize I’d spoken out loud until Vikki cut me off, grabbing my arms and digging her nails in.
“That’s enough. Stop it. You are amazing. You made a mistake and if Landon holds it against you, I’ll kick his ass into next week.”
I try to smile, but I don’t think I pull it off if the sadness on Vikki’s face is anything to go by.
“He didn’t deserve it Vic. He loved me so much…”
Her eyes soften and she gives my arms a gentle squeeze.
“Neither did you. You didn’t intentionally sleep with that prick. You don’t even remember it, do you? And you love Landon too. You were both so sickeningly in love.”
“I still am. I still love him as much as I did then, more probably. I can’t let him go. How am I supposed to do this?”
I start to sob, choking on my breaths because I don’t know what to do. I want to stay and try to talk to him. I really, really need it. I need him so much. He’s my lobster and without him I;m even a whole person anymore.
“I still love him, even if he hates me, even if he never forgives me. I’ll always love him.”
Her arms wrap around me, and I burrow into her as she holds me tightly as my breathing begin to normalize again, slowing down to a normal pace, but the pain in my chest pinches and I know it’s not going to go away ever.
“I know you do, but babe, even if he doesn’t forgive you, some day you have to forgive yourself. It’s not healthy to hate yourself this much. He didn’t deserve what happened, but it was a year ago. He’ll be over it now and you aren’t the same person now. You don’t even drink anymore.”
A loud knock at the door interrupts us and Vikki calls out something while I fix my face, used to it after the last year where I’ve had to hide how broken I am inside. When my face stops looking so wrecked, I suck in a deep breath and will my body to stop trembling as I push to my feet.
I wish I could remember something, anything about that day, but all I remember is the stupid argument and getting drunk then asking where he was as I lay in bed, aching and devastated. The bed clothes were sodden with my sweat and come and I didn’t remember a thing about it.
Vance was the one who told me that he ran out after seeing what happened. The only thing I remember was the sound of breaking glass and the chuckle that left Xander when it happened. That was it. Nothing else.
I’m terrified to see him again. My hands are sweating as I follow Vikki with an odd sort of numbness to the main stage where everyone is waiting. The sounds reach us and there’s a lot of laughter and one voice that makes me freeze when I hear his soft laugh. It’s not far from me and I slowly stroll in with my hands shoved deep into my pockets as I scan the room, stopping dead when I finally catch sight of Landon.
For a few moments I’m able to watch him unobserved. He’s as beautiful as he was the last time I saw him. My heart thuds painfully in my chest as I watch him laughing and talking to… Fuck… is that Greg?
Of course, it is. Where Landon goes, Greg follows. They’ve been joined at the hip for years since Landon landed his first role in a sitcom and helped his mom pay for his dads hospital bills after he had a heart attack.
