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My heart breaks again, shattering into a million more pieces and I sob into my hands. No matter how much I wish I could change things, change us, our past, Landon and I are over. I need to let him go, set him free. I’m dirty, used and he’ll never look at me how he once did. I did that. I broke us. It’s all my fault and if I hadn’t been such a coward then we’d have been fine.
I crawl under the covers, exhausted but sleep evades me and I know I can’t be alone right now because I’m itching to do something. I sit for hours staring at the bottle of prescription pills across from me. I can’t do it yet, can I?
I need to get up and get out of here. Hours pass and the thoughts keep circling like vultures overhead.
No one would miss you.
You’re used.
You’re worthless.
He doesn’t love you anymore.
You’re dirty, wrecked and ruined.
It’s your fault.
Over and over and over again I hear these words, repeating from my soul and I watch the moonlight move across the room, shifting in the bed as I try to get comfy and fall over, but sleep continues to evade me until at a little after five I give up.
I stand in the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror, seeing the dark circles under my eyes and my pained expression, the tightness of my lips and the love bite on my neck. Seeing the reminder of the sex is what forces me into action. I run around the room stuffing everything into my bags and text Vikki on the cell she gave me since my proper cell is turned off in a bag.
06.02am Can I come spend a few days with you all?
Vikki- 06.05 Of course, you want me to get you a car and get you checked out?
06.06 Please. Can you ask Evan if he’ll pick me up or Don if he’s free?
Vikki 06.07 Sure thing. You okay?
06.10 Not really, but I’m trying to be.
Vikki 06.10 Okay we can talk more when you get here. Don’s on his way and you’ve to hand the key in on the way out. See you in thirty, love.
I close the cell down and shove it into my backpack to wait on Don calling up when it’s time to leave. Some fans are camped outside, and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone. I’d give it all up, every single bit of it if I could just have Landon back.
My eyes start stinging again and I swallow the lump as the room phone starts to ring. I pick up my bags and make my way down the service elevator handing the night manager my room key and a tip wordlessly as I climb into the back of the car. I let the motion lull me to sleep, and I wake up at Vikki’s long enough to collapse into her guest room bed and dropping into a deep sleep that soothes the ache to hurt myself a little.
Two days later I find myself back at the house that broke everything apart and I hate it. The real estate agent is coming to asses the property, but the red wine stain on the bedroom carpet shatters me and I collapse against the wall.
Composing myself I manage to show her around and listen as she rhymes off how well this house will sell and how Landon and I will make a profit, but I don’t care. It means nothing to me.
“I don’t want any of the profits.”
“What? But it’s your name on the deed?”
“Yes, I’m aware, but I want nothing from this house. Donate the proceeds from my half to the local lgbt charity and the local children’s hospital.”
She gives me an odd look and adjusts her top. Her blonde hair is down in loose waves and I can tell she’s being purposely flirtatious, but I’m not interested in the slightest.
“So this is the master bedroom. What happened here then?”
Her eyes twinkle as she glances at the stain and I know she wants a funny story, but I clam up, barely able to stutter a response before my hands curl into fists and my breathing speeds.
“An aaaccident.”
“Okay then.”
Her eyes dart around the room and she walks over to the balcony that ruined my life opening the door and looking out at the view.
