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“It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”
The paramedics arrive and gently help Hudson out of the bathtub. Our bodies are soaked with vomit and cold water. I watch as they wrap him in blankets, asking him what he took, how much and other questions. Greg comes over, handing me clean clothes and I quickly close the bathroom door, changing into my joggers and a sweater before pulling socks and shoes on, but the cold doesn’t leave me.
It feels like it’s deeper than my skin, right down to my very core and I take a shuddering deep breath staring at my reflection in the mirror for one long moment until the thought of Hudson being outside pulls me away.
Once I open the door the paramedic comes over and tells Greg and I that they are going to take him to the hospital overnight. Without any thought I tell them that I’m coming. Hudson’s eyes find mine and I nod once, walking over and standing beside him, placing my hand on his shoulder. Greg disappears for a few moments and comes back with my cell and wallet.
Greg gives me a soft hug and then tightens his hold.
“Talk to him.”
I give a sharp nod because I will. I feel sick with guilt and shock and I wish I could fix him now. I don’t want to hurt him. Part of me wonders if me messing around with him on set is what set this off, but I think it goes a lot deeper than that. He said in his letter that everyone is better off without him, and I need to find out why he thinks that.
My whole body trembles as we step outside and into the ambulance that’s parked outside the service entrance to the hotel. The drive to the hospital is thankfully short and when we get there Hudson is wheeled away for tests, so I sit for a few moments before I make the decision to start making the calls, he needs me to make.
I start with his mom and then his dad and sister and the calls go about as well as expected. Everyone saying they should have done more, should have gotten him help, but he refused to talk to anyone. He doesn’t take personal calls anymore. The boys in the band tell me that they knew something was wrong, and that they knew he didn't remember anything that happened with Xander. They tried to get him to talk about it, but he refused and when they pushed, he shut down on them, so they left it hoping that he’d open up with time, but he closed off more and stopped talking completely.
Each of the boys offer to come out, but I tell them I’ve got him, and I’ll keep them up to date with everything. Lastly, I call my mom and break down on the phone to her. It’s the hardest call of my life and when we talk about what happened I tell her how he can’t remember anything. It’s the thing that’s sticking in my head and I can’t get it out.
He can’t remember anything, so how did he consent to sex? How did it happen since he can’t even remember it? There’s only one person who knows and it’s someone I never wanted to see again in my life, but I will if it helps Hudson. I will track him down and make him answer.
We talk about it a bit more and she begins to theorize over his memory loss, but it’s her next words that makes my whole body freeze because it’s something I never even considered.
“What if he was drugged, love? Could Xander have raped him?”
I stutter and splutter without an answer. Could this have been it? As the call ends it sticks in my head and I can’t help feeling absolutely destroyed because if it’s true then I walked in on my partner, the love of my being raped, and I ran away.
The devastation from that thought has me pacing around wanting to kick something or hit something until my hands bleed because who does that? Who leaves their partner to deal with that? Fuck.
“Mr. Collins?”
I turn around and see a doctor in a white coat waiting for me. I give him a nod and he motions for me to follow him. We walk in silence until we reach a small room that smells strongly of coffee.
“Sit down please? My name is Doctor Rashid and I’m in charge of Mr. Blake’s care while he’s with us.”
His professional demeanor settles some of my anxiety and I perch on the edge of the seat, too on edge to sit back properly.
“Mr. Blake is going to be with us overnight, but he’s very lucky that you found him as quickly as you did because you managed to get most of the medication out of his body before it could do too much damage, however he’ll need tests for a few weeks to ensure that there is no lasting damage to his renal or liver function.
At the moment both are working well but we’d like to recommend counseling for the patient too. He has given me permission to discuss this with you and I’d like to advise that as soon as you are both back in LA that he undergoes an intensive course of therapy as a matter of urgency. The fact that he’s tried to end his life is a cry for help and one that should not be ignored. If he tries again, he could be successful.”
He ends his speech, and I can only nod at him because I’ll be making sure that Hudson gets help. He needs it. I can’t…
My emotions threaten to overwhelm me, but I manage to swallow them down and answer the doctor who’s considering me with a puzzled expression.
“I’ll make sure he gets whatever help he needs. Thank you for saving him doctor.”
“We didn’t save him. You did.”
“Well thank you regardless. Is he okay? Is he awake? Can I see him?”
The doctor runs his fingers through his white hair and stands.
“Yes. You can see him. You may stay the night with him. I think it would help him but try not to overwhelm him. He’s emotionally extremely vulnerable right now and he needs love and support.”
He doesn’t give me a chance to answer as he steps around me and opens the door, walking along a corridor to an elevator. We go up two floors and he leads me into a room where Hudson is sitting up in a white hospital bed, staring out of the window at the night sky.
I must make some kind of noise before I throw myself across the room and into his arms. He doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me, and his nose touches my neck as he starts to sob.
