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I don’t hear the door opening or his footsteps, but warm arms wrap around me and I can smell his scent as he envelops me in a tight hug, squeezing me tightly and crying with me, even though he doesn’t know why I’m crying.
“Darlin’, what is it? What’s wrong? Please, talk to me.”
I shake my head and he holds me tighter, speaking over my head to Greg as he comes in, then Vikki as she does too. He tells them both to leave, not answering their queries about what’s wrong or why I’m upset, and he just presses gentle lips to my skin.
As my sobs ease off to whimpers, he lessens his hold and sits on the floor with me cradled on his lap. My face is buried in his neck, and he just sits, rubbing his fingers up and down my spine as he waits for me to speak. He knows I will.
While I never told him about the pain of hiding, he’s seen me breakdown before, and I’ve always told him why.
“I’m sorry.”
It’s the first thing I manage to get out, but he doesn’t speak, letting me know it’s safe for me to continue. His touches ground me and give me enough confidence to let me get out the words I need to say.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you back there but you ignoring me like that reminded me of how hard it was to watch you from afar at parties. I never opened up to you about what it was like for me to be in the same room as you and not touch you or look at you or have you even look at me.”
His body stiffens slightly but his hands don’t stop stroking my back, so I continue.
“It was like you didn’t know I existed and sometimes I’d hear the jokes some of your friends made about me, about my height or my looks and you’d never say anything, you’d never defend me and that hurt me, so badly. That was part of the reason I was so desperate to come out, to show everyone that you loved me, that you wanted me and only me.”
He swallows making my body move as he breathes in but it’s the soft sniffles, I hear that tell me he’s listening to me and hurting alongside me.
“I’m sorry. I never wanted you to know what they said about you. I hated it and I wanted to tell them off. I even did a few times until Geoff caught wind of it and reprimanded me, reminding me that I had an image to maintain and that in public I wasn’t supposed to speak to you or about you.”
His voice breaks as he speaks and I can hear the anguish lacing his words, feel his tears dripping onto my hair and my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Hudson continues in a broken whisper, “I let them tell me what to do. I wish I could go back. God I’d do so much differently, and I wish I knew how to talk to you about it but I was a coward then. I was scared that if I told you, you’d hate me or blame me.”
He sucks in another deep breath before speaking again and presses his lips against my hairline as he speaks against my skin.
“I hated it too. I knew it was hurting you. I saw it every time we had an industry event together, how hard it was on you and how much you hated them. I didn’t mean to have you hurting like that, Landon. You have to know that. Please believe me.”
His fingers stop moving and he just breaks apart in my arms, which makes me break again and we both sit crying over the pain we went through just because we loved each other.
“Part of me wonders if that’s why Xander wanted me so badly. Maybe he thought I didn’t care about you because I was always brushing you off at events and ignoring you or maybe I was an easy target to him because of how far in the closet I am. Maybe I deserved it.. It wasn’t until after everything had happened that I realized how shit I was as a partner because I love you. I love you so much and I just wish I showed it better.”
I cut him off, unable to listen to him painting himself as the bad guy when we both sucked at communicating with each other.
“No. Baby. No. You didn’t deserve that. It doesn’t matter what you were, you didn’t deserve what happened to you, okay?”
My words are stern and he nods, sighing as he presses a gentle kiss to my temple, that soothes me and encourages me to continue speaking.
“You weren’t a shit partner. I knew you loved me. I still know it, even after everything that’s happened. It was just in public that I felt like I didn’t matter or fit in with your friends and it hurt. I just wanted you to be proud of me, to want to show me off and spend time with me outside…” My tears start again as I speak, and he cuts me off before I can say more.
“I did. I do. I just let other things take priority over you and other people's opinions of me, and of us, impact on how I treated you. I’m so, so sorry baby. I love you so fucking much, and I swear losing you again was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”
I glance up at him and I know he’s telling the truth, but it scares me how easily he fell back into that place.
“I can’t go back there. I won't. Seeing you act like that today tore me up inside again and brought it all back.”
He nods and I wipe away a tear that falls from his eyes as he speaks again, fear evident in his words and how his hands tighten on my back.
“You won’t. We’re both out now, so we can come out together whenever you want. I’m yours, darlin’, in public or out of it. You have me and I’m not ever letting you go again.”
“Where do we go from here then? What happens when we get home?”
I ask in a broken whisper, scared to hear his answer because I can’t lose him. I can’t live like that again, but things need to be different. We need to be different and talk to each other.
“I don’t know where we are going and I don’t care either, as long as we’re together. None of that shit matters to me, not anymore. I’m sorry I hurt you today and that I know we need to communicate better. You are all that matters to me. I couldn’t care less about fame or anything else as long as I have you. I’d give it all up for you, if you asked me to. Every single bit of it.”
