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I could pop an innumerable amount of pills, but nothing would fade the jagged edges of my soul, and I’m not much of a talker anymore. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I never wanted to get consumed in a grief I had no explanation for, nor did I want to be lost to a world that no longer spun on the correct axis.
So, I quit my pills and I quit my therapist, and I quit giving a damn in a world where no one seemed to care.
Or at least they didn’t until Andreas got caught in my crosshairs.
He was desperately trying to find his path, trying to solve the mess of his life, and we just fitted, like old pyjamas that hug you right after a long day. He felt right. He still does, but that doesn’t mean I can be everything he wants me to be. I tried for a long time to be the good girl, let him know all of my darkness—well, most of it—and I was honest about who and what I am.
He didn’t run, and I didn’t feel the need to.
Coming back to London was enough to make me question everything I’ve done with the last seven years of my life.
“You’re looking considerably drier than you did when you came home.”
I offer him a small smile. “I just needed to clear my head. Couldn’t do it in here.”
He drops onto the bed. “Did it help?”
“No,” I confess and melt into a small bubble of laughter. “Don’t think anything will help.”
“The offer’s still there.”
I lift my gaze, catching Andreas’s as I turn to look at him.
He makes it all seem so easy, but there are some fights you just can’t walk away from.
“It’s not an option.”
I walked for almost an hour in the torrential rain, my mind aching long before the chill hit the marrow in my bones. Every part of me was reeling from every meeting with Beckett.
I knew he was there, just like he knew it was me in the bar.
I was convinced that I would always find him, and I would always feel him near when I finally did, and I was right. I felt him in the hotel lobby before I even made it to the archway into The Regency bar, and when I saw him, dark and brooding at the bar, I knew this was going to change absolutely everything.
“Why not?”
“What’s the point in explaining?” I sigh, dropping my gaze away. “I’m here now. I can’t just go, but you can-”
He sighs, cutting me short. “I told you, I’m not leaving you.”
His reminder is stronger than ever, like his resolve is now concrete strong and he’s firmly planting himself in place, but I can hear the reticent lilt to his tone, the octave not quite supporting his resolution.
“I’m going to go sleep,” he says, clearly uncomfortable. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Andreas drops a kiss onto the top of my head before he retreats, taking his calming presence from the room as he pulls the door closed, leaving me in the soft light around me.
He refuses to believe he’s not like us, but I’ll always refuse to believe he is.
Andreas is too gentle-natured under his tough exterior to be one of us, and his family knew that, seeing it as a weakness. He was disowned for being himself and walked away tarnished by his bloodline. That is something Andreas will never be able to free himself from.
Sighing, I turn the light off and slip under the sheets. Tomorrow is a new day, after all, and I know I need to work out a plan.
“He’s a good man.”
I sit bolt upright, looking into the shadows of my room, straining to make out the shape of him. Pushing upwards, I can’t work out where he is exactly, so I twist, preparing to put the lights on.
“Leave it off.”
His order is strong, sending my heart rate through the roof. He’s building the moment, playing with me like I’ve seen him play with lesser men before, and I’m a lamb illuminated by the sliver of moonlight that creeps into my room.
