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But I didn't have to worry about that. The flames roared around me, the smoke, and the screaming people crying out for help were all I heard before passing out told me that this was my hell. I'd never felt pain so intensely. The fire on my arm was cold. Like shards of ice digging into the flesh, searching for bone. There's no way that I could have lived through that. And the phantom feelings were being replayed over and over in my head.
I wished I could choose to live. Funny how I had no control of that, and it seemed so simple. I was cheating at the game of life and it had made me out.
If only I could go back through time...
Chapter Nineteen
ANISE
Time seemed to stand still a lot with Raphael. We touched for the first time as we danced. The first time that I saw him in over a year. Until today, we have always affiliated it with good. Not now. Not here.
As I walked into his hospital room, time stood still, but it was because of all the shock I was in. To say that Raphael was battered was an understatement. There were bandages everywhere. He had burns on his arm. His leg was broken. The pressure and blood on his brain had drained. His shoulder, neck, and side were bruised purple with red angry marks.
The sob that broke loose was pure emotion. I covered my mouth to hold in the sound. There was no way that I wanted to disturb his rest. He would need every second. The coma that he was in had to be a sign that his body needed deeper healing. One that even the doctors couldn’t help with.
I’d chosen to come in by myself for a few reasons. I wanted to give Claudia time alone with him first. She needed to reconnect with her son and reassure herself that all would be fine. He still wasn’t out of the water, but he was here now and that’s all that mattered. He’d had his opportunity to desert us, and now that he’d chosen to fight, he was stuck with us. Right after I kicked his ass for scaring the hell out of me.
Now, it was my time. I needed to rejoice in his survival, mourn the abuse he’d suffered, and lend him all the hope and positive vibes that I had. Now was the time to pull my beliefs together and channel them his way.
Slowly, I walked over to him. Each step was calculated and purposeful, yet filled with so much fear. I could have lost him. And he’d never know how much I truly loved him. We’d never expressed our feelings, no matter how deep or shallow they were. We lived in the moment and the rest was for dreamers. It didn’t matter that I was one. All that mattered was that I play the game by his rules. Passion, no love. Lust, no forever. Available for now. Open, but subject to his closed-off demeanor. Sure, he had his moments where he gave me his all. That wasn’t our way of normal, though. And that’s what I needed. Was he capable? Could he give me everything I craved and more? Is it too late?
Claudia was telling everybody that I was his fiancé, but in reality, that was so far from the truth. It sounded nice. Had a nice ring to it. I’d even used it to take a leave of absence from work, played with the possibility of it in my mind, smiled at the thought of it being my reality. It wasn’t, though. We were… friends. And that’s why I struggled right now.
He could have been the casualty of a freak accident. I could be here helping to identify a body. But I wasn’t. I was witnessing a miracle. I was looking at the man that I loved so much that it hurt. My heart physically ached from the worry that swarmed my thoughts. I needed him alive and very much well. I wanted the opportunity to tell him how much I loved him, even if he couldn’t hear me.
“You know, I thought that the first time that I confessed to you how much I love you, you’d be able to say it back. I’d never guessed that you’d ever be here in a hospital bed fighting for your life when I said it. I’m… OK with the fact that you can’t respond. But that’s only because you’re alive to hear it. Or, at least, I hope you can hear me.”
I looked down at my fingers as I knotted them together in frustration. This was harder than I ever thought it would be. Taking a deep breath, I started again.
“Raphael, I love you. You fought to live another day and I am happy that you did. I promise to stay right here with you until you can tell me to go away.” I wiped the stream of tears rolling down my cheeks and sat down in the chair beside him. “Get better for me, Raphael. We’ve got so much to talk about.”
And that was true. A few minutes inside a bathroom stall, a few bucks, and ‘what if’ thoughts in the airport had changed everything, confirmed my suspicions, and had left me feeling lost and more afraid than ever before. I hugged my stomach, rocking slightly.
"We’ll be right here,” I promised before I rested my forehead on the thigh of his good leg and let my sorrow break free. I couldn’t tell you how long I stayed that way, tearful and bawling, but I know that somewhere during things, I drifted to the most restless sleep.
* * *
Days blended. I skipped meals. And my reality became these four walls of this room. Claudia could reinstate the lease where Raphael was staying so that we could use it as a hub of sorts. All of my things were there, but I hadn’t gone far from Raphael. The few times the nurses insisted I shower, I’d done it in his bathroom here. They’d brought me food and had me walk the halls so that I didn’t go crazy. None of it helped, but I did it to appease them and keep down on the worry.
I rested my head on his thigh like I often did. Everything exhausted me today and I couldn’t get comfortable.
“Why don’t you lie down for a bit, Anise?” Sava, the nurse on duty, asked as she entered the room.
“My back doesn’t like it. I’m going to stretch in a bit and then go for a stroll to see if I can loosen up my limbs.”
Sava went about her routine, talking to Raphael the entire time. At some point, I faded to sleep, letting the beeping monitors reassure me that things were alright for the moment. Dreams escaped me as they did recently. It filled my slumber with darkness and dread. A state required to get my body to rest instead of being a pleasant retreat.
I woke to light tugs on my hair that was fanned over my shoulders. Groggy, I stayed still, trying to figure out how long I’d been asleep. More tugs made me groan. Sleep. I wanted more sleep. I exhaled slowly, trying to find the strength to get up. Comfortable sleep felt like the better option, so I closed my eyes and drifted back there.
A stronger tug made me exhale in frustration before I sat up, lifting my head to rest in my hands. Still fighting the pull to close my eyes again, I sighed. I ached more from being in this position than I did before I fell asleep. Another tug grated on my nerves to the point of anger. Turning to growl toward it, I looked into eyes staring at me. Cue that pattern of time standing still. Raphael’s eyes were low and not fully focused, but he was awake. I looked down at his hand, where my hair was between his fingers. He moved them, letting the locks caress them.
Shocked, I sat there speechless and dumbfounded.
“Raph…” The single word was more of a request of him to confirm that he really was awake, a whisper in the wind.
He groaned, but then his eyes started rolling at the same time that his body shook. Spasms. It started weakly but then grew in intensity suddenly. Monitors beeped faster, and I hit the emergency button on the side of the rail.
Nurses and doctors entered the room to his aid before Sava ushered me out. I fought her, trying to get to Raphael, but she was relentless and steadfast. Eventually, I was left in the hall as people rushed about. I paced, wondering what was going on. He was awake. That had to be something. Once he was calmed, I’d be able to see him and things would be fine. They just had to be.
