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Murderer.
“You’d be waiting a long time. I’ve done things, Remy, that are unforgivable. Things no one knows about.” He took a deep breath. “I became what I hated most—but I can’t change that, baby.” If he did, the pain of reality would eat him alive. His penance was living, and the only way he could do that, to get through the day, was his addiction.
She looked up, tears and hope and everything bright still filtering through those damaged brown spheres. “You admit you have a problem?”
A humorless laugh rumbled from him. “I have a lot more than one. But I’m done making you a victim of my self-destruction. I’m gonna do what I should have done a long time ago. I’m gonna leave.”
She clutched him tighter, delaying the inevitable.
“I want you to open that bakery, and find a man who’s better than me. A man who will take care of you. A man who I want to be, but can’t. Someone who can give you everything. I want you to be happy.” He kissed her forehead, jealousy raging in his belly for the man who would come and take his place. His stomach twisted as his breathing became ragged. “I’m so sorry about the baby.”
She reached her hands to his face, searching his eyes. Remaining silent, she bit her lip as if holding back. “I may be young. I may be naive about a lot of things, but my love for you isn’t one of them. I know now that I can’t be the reason you get clean, that you must do it for yourself. It was wrong of me to believe I could save you.”
She took a deep breath, as if seeking the remaining courage deep down in her soul.
“When you get sober, and find the real Mikel, the one I see when I look at you, come back to me. Let me know that you’re okay, that you’re happy. Maybe we weren’t meant for each other—maybe you’re right about that. All I know is that you will always have a piece of my heart. Promise me you’ll find me when that day comes?”
He kissed her, melding his mouth to hers for the last time. Pain and heartache and sorrow mixed with the connection and burning embers of lust. Why did love have to hurt so much?
Their tears fell, blending and mixing, saturating his skin. Sparks of light glowed in the dark empty recesses of his heart, tempting him with false hope. The burn of penance and retribution slammed into him. He slipped his tongue inside her mouth, needing one more taste. It would never be enough, just a parting memory to hold on to and remind him of all that he had lost. Trembles rocked through her body as pieces of her weaved and blurred into his DNA with a mix of loss and love. She whimpered. Clinging to him, she dug her fingernails into his scalp, holding him captive. He was a prisoner to her touch.
He wanted to give in, to beg her forgiveness, and try his best to make it all better. But for once in his life he was going to do what was right. He would walk away so that she could live. Leave her before he could destroy her and everything he’d spent his whole life building, his family and friends. Hopefully Andre would understand.
He pulled out of her embrace, severing their connection for the last time. He walked out the door, not turning to look back as he left her room far more broken than when he’d entered it.
He didn’t look back.
