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He set the cup on the large stainless steel island before he took a deep breath and began.
“I just got in my truck and took off. I found work where I could. I was using pretty heavily. July eighth, I found the bottom of the darkest pit I’d ever been in. I tried to end it all—just stop the pain and the memories. I swallowed a bunch of pills and went to sleep.” He dropped his head, staring at the cup of coffee in front of him.
Remy’s eyes stung almost as much as the pain in her heart. She was filled with sympathy for this man who was loved so fiercely and yet who had felt hopeless enough to try to end his life. He was being surprisingly open and honest.
“July ninth is Lyra’s birthday,” she said, amazed at the connection.
He blinked, clearly in awe himself. “Really?”
She nodded. “What happened?”
He was silent for a moment and then he said, “I woke up. I don’t know how or why. But I took it as a sign. I sold my truck and bought a ticket on the next plane leaving. Turns out it was headed to a country called Ghana in Africa. From there, I found some people who needed an extra set of hands building schools and hospitals. They traveled around to different countries, and I tagged along with them. I met someone there who helped me.”
A pang of jealousy seared her gut as she winced. Mikel was doing better, and that was all that mattered.
“He was a recovering alcoholic himself. He knew what I was going through, and what I needed.”
Remy’s body relaxed—the friend was another man. Her mind whittled with confusion and denial. She shouldn’t care. She had a boyfriend and Mikel had obviously moved on.
“I got to work with these people who had seen wars and famine in different parts of Africa. They always had smiles on their faces. The kids laughed and played with sticks and rocks. Some had been child soldiers—seen and done things I can’t begin to imagine. Yet, they found a reason to smile, to enjoy life. It just hit me, gave me some perspective on my own life. It took crossing an ocean and going to the other side of the world, but I found a reason to keep going.”
She nodded, encouraging him to continue as tears slid down the corners of her eyes. A pang of hurt rippled across her aching heart. She hadn’t been enough.
“If those kids could find a reason to smile, then so could I. I mean, yeah, I went through a lot, but I still was born with so much privilege. I was given the gift of life, and I was wasting it away when I could have been helping others like those kids in the villages.”
Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she sniffed. “I’m sorry.”
“For not telling me I had a kid? Sorry for letting me believe our child was dead and it was my fault?” His voice was hard, and his eyes cold.
Remy shook her head. “You don’t get to do that. You can’t come back here like this and treat me like this is all my fault. I’m not the same naive timid girl I was when you left.”
“Remy, that’s not—” He slammed his hand on the table as he stood abruptly, making her startle. “Fuck! I’m sorry.”
She waited for him to bolt out of the room, or shut down and grow distant. He surprised her by taking several deep breaths and sitting back down.
“Please tell me what happened after I left.” His eyes locked with hers, as if pleading for the impossible—for the last five years back.
“After the accident, the doctor told me that the baby was fine, but that I was at high risk of a miscarriage. After everything that happened … I knew you were not in a place to help me raise a child. I figured the extra stress might … I just … I couldn’t trust you. I couldn’t have my baby around the drugs and the danger. I was almost killed because of …”
“Me,” he said.
She glanced down momentarily and nodded.
Mikel was silent. His gaze was a contradiction, both hard and soft. Unreadable.
“Say something.” She stared at her tea.
“‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t begin to cover the regret I feel for what I did and what happened. There are no words to make up for any of it.”
“I never thought you would disappear for so long,” she admitted.
“I never thought I would come back.” His words sliced through her. The sting of rejection lacerated her insides into ribbons of regret. What they’d had was in the past, but she’d believed she meant more to him. She had been sure that once he got clean, he would return for her.
“Why did you?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Something … just pulled me back. I promised you I’d return … and if I could only keep that one promise … I at least owed you that.”
Her belly fluttered and tumbled as her bottom lip quivered. She swallowed, reining in the hurricane of emotions hammering her insides. Hope and regret. Love and anger. Uncertainty tangled in a thousand memories of starry nights, ocean spray, her first time, and her first love. Pain and pleasure. Heartache and living life to the fullest. Desolation and restoration. All of it tumbled and weaved into the air, tangling and crossing between them in silvery webs of a life shared—forever connected by the creation of another human.
