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Chapter 33
Andre
I’ve lived in fear all my life. It’s taken residence in my body, like a shadow following me around. Every decision, every risk I take is weighed based on fear. I realize now that I had pushed you to let go of your resentment and accused you of letting your past hold you back when I have been doing the same. Living life as an undocumented person, losing everyone I ever loved or depended on nearly broke me. I never wanted to risk getting close to anyone else in my life. And then you came along.
I am terrified to be sent back to Mexico to be tortured and murdered like my mother. They fulfilled their threats sent to us each year with her. They sent me pictures. I imagine her last breaths were filled with gasoline and smoke, and the scent of the burning tire around her beaten body. The sad part is, that was the least of the fucked-up things they did to her. I know because they also sent me a letter, and yes, I read it. I forced myself to see what my truth when I was a child did to my parents. I blamed myself for so long. But not anymore. I did not do those things—the cartel did. I can see that now. I will begin the process towards forgiving myself.
I hold DACA status. With the new administration, that status is at risk. I had thought the best thing for me, with limited legal pathways to safety, was through marriage to a citizen. I never lied to you when I told you Mateo and I were like brother and sister. He is my brother, blood or not. I have never, nor will I ever be romantically involved with him. The marriage contract would have been just that—a contract. Mamá Lucia had always hoped we would end up together, but it was never more than a mother’s wish. Mateo is not interested in women, and she’s still holding on to the dream that he will be someday.
I understand how much I have wronged you. I accept that we can never be. But you should know that I do, and always will, love you, Andre Stone. Beyond that, I trust you with my truth. I’ve never given that to anyone. The things I’ve written in these pages could have me deported. But I won’t live in fear anymore. I’ll face whatever I need to.
My mother told me once that my life was like a piece of sea glass. I’d always taken that to mean it was treacherous, sharp, and unforgiving. But now I see she meant the beauty of it. The unknowing and risk is all a part of our journey—colors and hues sparkling in the panes, reflecting so much beauty if we’re willing to see it. Everything we go through refines us, shapes us into who we are.
You helped me realize that. You helped me grow.
Now, I hope you can forgive me, but if not, I’ll respect your wishes and leave you alone.
I just needed to let you know the faults made in this relationship were mine.
Don’t let my mistakes stop you from finding your happiness.
Yours,
Mia
A weight settled on Andre’s shoulders as he read the last of Mia’s words. He’d known she had secrets, wondered why she didn’t want to report those situations to the police or go to the hospital. If he had seen his parents murdered like that . . . fuck.
He’d been blinded by his past hurts, shutting Mia out before she could explain to protect himself. What have I done? Because of him, Mia was put in physical danger and had ended up in the hospital. And she had literally risked everything to tell him all of this.
He didn’t care that she was undocumented. Why had the system failed her and most likely hundreds of thousands of others? She’d obeyed the laws, her mother had, and look where that had got them.
Andre ran upstairs and got dressed. I need to make this right. He brushed his teeth and popped a couple of pain relievers before rushing to get his boots and coat on.
Sprinting across the yard, he sucked in a breath at the sight of the yellow For Sale sign in the front. The thudding in his chest pounded faster as he ran up to her door and banged on it. Her car wasn’t there, but maybe . . . He peered in the window. The air was sucked from his lungs. No sign of her. He ran a hand over his hair. My phone. He sprinted back to the house. He needed to fix this before Mia disappeared for good.
