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Jasmine’s chest tightened. Her leg bounced up and down, nerves and anxiety rushing through her. She wanted to, but could she?
Belle placed a hand over hers and squeezed. Her silent support meant everything.
“I-I think . . . I’d like to say something.” Jasmine struggled for breath.
All eyes turned to her.
“Go ahead. We’re listening. This is a safe space,” Cassidy encouraged.
Jasmine stared down at her hands. “I was triggered recently. I had a really bad night. I was so weak.”
Belle’s thumb rubbed over the soft flesh of her hand, soothingly.
“I used to use sex as a form of self-harm. I felt I needed to be punished, so I’d seek out men who would only use me. I felt so powerful in that moment, letting them do exactly that to me, because I was the one who was really pulling the wool over their eyes. I was letting myself be used, so I had the power. Then . . . after . . . the shame would be my ultimate punishment. I’d prove him true.”
“Prove your abuser true?” Cassidy asked.
Jasmine nodded.
“Abusers commonly use shame and threats to keep their victims under control.”
“Well, during that weak moment, I gave in. I just wanted that temporary escape—no matter what I had to pay the next day. I almost erased four years of progress.”
“What stopped you?” Cassidy asked.
Her eyes met Belle’s; nothing but sympathy reflected back. “He did. The man, I mean. He said he wouldn’t take advantage of me because I was drunk and hurting.”
“He sounds like a good guy,” Cassidy observed.
She closed her eyes, tears escaping. “I don’t know. How would I know? How does anyone ever truly know? My brothers are good men and they both hurt the women they loved.”
“Being a good person does not equal perfection. Let me ask you something: do you think you could be self-sabotaging a possible relationship with this man?” Cassidy asked.
Jasmine blinked. “There’s so many other factors. It’s so complicated.”
“There usually is. Just be aware of what is keeping you closed off. Is it that you truly feel he is an unsafe person, or is it because you believe you are unworthy and afraid of the vulnerability that comes with loving someone romantically?”
Jasmine wiped her face. “I’m not sure.”
“You’re not alone, Jasmine. Every woman here has experienced sexual trauma in some way. I myself have. Don’t be discouraged because you had a bad day. Healing is not linear. It’s messy and unpredictable. You can go years without any major hiccups and then the next day it can feel like you’re back at square one. But you’re not. You’ve made it this far, and you can keep on going. Talking about it is the beginning of your healing journey. You will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.”
“Talking about it makes it feel more real. I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” Jasmine confessed.
“Baby steps. No one is asking you to go into the details of your trauma, especially if it triggers you too much. But piece by piece, you can unpack this. The more you share, the more you’re letting go. You’re taking away your abuser’s power. By doing your inner work and letting go of the responsibility for the perpetrator’s actions, you stop holding yourself accountable for things you had no control over.” Cassidy took a sip from her coffee cup before continuing. “And it’s important to be aware of these feelings and not push them aside when they come up.”
Jasmine swallowed hard, willing the ball of nerves in her belly to calm down.
Cassidy crossed her legs. “A piece of your childhood was stolen. To heal, it must be recognized as a loss and then grieved. You can reclaim your power. Remember, you’re not a victim; you’re a victory. And you’re not alone. Every seventy-three seconds, someone in America is sexually abused. Every nine minutes, that victim is a child. You. Are. Not. Alone.”
I’m not alone. I’m not alone.
Belle turned to her. “Sometimes, when we make progress or something new happens that triggers our self-protective responses, it can feel like we go backwards. Old wounds open, memories and flashbacks seem to come from nowhere, pulling us into that darkness.”
Jasmine met her gaze. “But what if that darkness feels like it’s coming from inside me?”
Cassidy offered her a warm smile. “Shame is a powerful weapon. It keeps the victim oppressed. You are not your trauma. You are Jasmine. It happened to you, but it isn’t the core of who you are. Reshape those thoughts when they come. When those voices tell you you’re unworthy. When they say you’re nothing but a whore for sleeping around, change it. Say to yourself, ‘I made some decisions that were not best for me before, but it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m not a failure. I made a mistake and I’ll try better next time.’ Change your mindset. Flip your thoughts around until they stop focusing on you being the problem and instead change the behavior itself.”
“Okay. I can try that.”
