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“What would hold you back?” Rebecca asked.
“I’m afraid I’ll mess up again, and then she’ll leave me for good.”
Charli opened her mouth to respond, but Rebecca spoke first. “So, what will you do to ensure you are trying the best you can?”
He sat forward, elbows on his thighs. “I’ll have to enlist help.”
Whoa. The Finn she knew hated showing weakness and had the misguided belief that seeking help was a show of fragility.
“And what does that look like, specifically?”
“I continue my therapy with you. And I will be more open with my wife and my good friends who can hold me accountable.”
“If Finn does these things, how would that make you feel, Charli?” Rebecca set her pen down.
“Surprised.”
“Why is that?” Rebecca prodded.
Charli turned to Finn. “Because he doesn’t talk about things with anyone, much less me, unless I pull it out of him. Though, since his accident, he’s been more open than in the past.”
Finn’s wary gaze studied her. “I started to, this week. I told the guys what’s been going on. And I asked them if they’d hold me accountable. I trust them, and I know you do too. I just thought that extra guidance would be beneficial. Whether or not you choose to stay with me, I want to be a better man and a good father.”
A small smile tugged at the corner of Charli’s mouth, emotion overwhelming her. He was putting action to his promises after all.
“Why don’t we talk about your needs now, Finn?” Rebecca interjected.
“I need support and understanding when I just need some space to work through things in my head. I also need you to make me feel like I can tell you when I mess up without being afraid you will walk away every time.”
Rebecca held up her hand. “I just want to point out the language you used, Finn. You said make you feel. Charli is not responsible for your emotions. You are. If you need something in order to feel safe, then name it, but you can’t expect another person to be responsible for your emotions. She can’t be your sole source of happiness. People are imperfect, and they will let us down. How will you deal with those fears of being left? And how can she support you through that?”
Finn ran a hand over his beard. “I, uh, I guess I just want to know that she will try to understand that I make my decisions based on good intentions and to let me explain and work it out.”
“Charli? Is that something you can commit to? Listening to Finn with empathy?” Rebecca asked.
“I want to say yes. But for example, you burning the journal so I wouldn’t find out and then telling me about it much later . . . that felt like your word didn’t matter.”
“Why is that?” Rebecca asked.
“Because he had just promised me no more secrets, and then he went and hid the evidence to something that wasn’t even a big deal. He lied by omission, and then told me like I was supposed to be happy he’d decided to tell me the truth. I just wanted it from the beginning. How can I believe him now? He gave his word before and then betrayed me right after.”
Finn shifted in his seat and sighed. “I don’t know what I can do to prove to you that I’m going to do better. Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. I want to fix this more than anything.”
Rebecca cleared her throat. “Just to recap, Charli, you don’t trust Finn’s word right now. And, Finn, you want to earn that trust, but as a human you’re bound to mess up and you’re terrified of that.”
They both nodded.
“The only way to rebuild trust is through complete transparency, consistency, and effective communication. Finn, you’re going to have to be extra open and communicative with Charli while being patient and showing her consistently that you are working at being better.” Rebecca turned to Charli. “And you will have to decide if you’re willing to let him earn that trust back. That’s the only way this relationship will work where you both have your needs met.”
Charli tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear.
Rebecca continued. “Transparency for you might look like checking in with each other every day, allowing Charli to ask questions, but also offering up information yourself, Finn. I recommend you pick a time that’s good for the both of you without distractions and when you’re both emotionally and mentally prepared for the conversation.”
“I can do that.” Finn turned to Charli.
“Good communication doesn’t happen overnight. You will both have to work on it. Some topics might be hard to talk about at first but will get easier in time. One way you can do this is through what I call Relationship Checkups. When you’re just starting out, I recommend you do this once a week. As things progress, you can push it back to monthly. I want you to sit down together and verbally rate the different areas of your marriage on a scale of one to ten. How is your sexual intimacy? How is your emotional intimacy? And what can you do this week to make it better?” Rebecca stood, walking around her desk and grabbing a paper from a file. She handed them each a copy.
“These are more questions for your checkup. These will help you dive a little deeper each week and hopefully guide your discussions to get to the root of your needs and open dialogue for coming up with a plan to improve those needs being met.”
