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Finn screamed and fought him off. He pulled the 9mm from his waist and shot his attacker in the side of the head. Blood and god knew what else splattered across Finn’s face, soaking into his uniform. Panic ripped through his body.
A hand clamped on both sides of his neck. Finn spun around reflexively, the headphones tearing from the laptop before it crashed to the ground. His chest heaved as he pinned the enemy’s throat to the wall. Protect. Serve. The enemy choked, the only noise in the otherwise quiet room.
Nails scraped his arms.
No. Not the enemy.
Charli!
“Fuck!” He tore his arms away from her as she slumped to the ground in the dark. He flicked the light on, terrified to see the damage he’d done. Charli’s knees tucked into her chest as she stared at him with wide eyes filled with fear.
“I-I’m so sorry, baby. I thought—I thought . . .” He reached towards her, and she flinched, sending a wave of shame and anger roiling through him. His chest cinched tight, his lungs unable to draw a full breath. Finn grabbed his hair at the top of his head, pulling in frustration as he dropped to his knees in defeat. What have I done? He brought his hands in front of him, staring. What kind of a monster am I?
“I’m so sorry.” His voice came out in a whisper.
Charli coughed and grabbed his hand and pulled herself up. “No. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that.”
“This isn’t your fault.” He lifted her chin to inspect her throat.
“I’m okay, Finn. Really. It was just an accident.” She placed her hand over his, her eyes still wary.
“I could have killed you.” His voice sounded like he’d swallowed shards of glass.
Worry marred her features. “Finn, this isn’t your fault. It’s not a big deal. I promise. Let’s just take a hot shower and go to bed.”
Her words said one thing, but the slight tremor in her hands and the wide-eyed look on her face gave away how shaken she truly was.
He backed up, dropping her hand. He couldn’t go near her. What if it happened again? What if he hurt her worse next time?
“You go. I just need some time alone.”
Hurt flashed in her gaze. “Okay, if that’s what you need. But know I’m here for you.” She bent over and picked up the fallen laptop, checking it over quickly before turning her concerned gaze towards him.
Emotion clogged his throat, so he nodded before he left to the garage.
Opting to use his bike, instead of smashing his fist through the drywall, he grabbed a helmet and zipped his coat. He needed the cold wind to tamp down some of this anger that still burned inside him.
He started the motorcycle and drove towards the coast.
Fifteen minutes later, under a canopy of stars and beside the crashing ocean, Finn perched his helmet on the seat. Icy sea breeze whipped against his frozen cheeks. He welcomed the pain, the numbness. Everything was so fucked up in his life. Just when he and Charli had taken a huge step in their relationship, his body had betrayed him—again. It was bad enough he couldn’t remember shit about her. Instead he’d discovered he was, in fact, a killer. Unless it wasn’t a real memory.
He slipped his hand over his shoulder where the knife had pierced his skin. The rough stubble of a scar gave him his answer. An injury from a fight he didn’t remember joining. He was capable of taking a human life. And sometimes his fucked-up head couldn’t determine what was real and what was a flashback. What kind of man put his hands on a woman like that? I’m a monster. He wasn’t good enough for her.
“Half a fucking man,” he growled and kicked the sand.
Charli’s terrified expression flashed in his mind. “She deserves someone better than me. More than I can give her.”
But she and that baby are my responsibility.
“Maybe they’d be better off without me. Charli needs a man who can give her everything. Who can keep her safe.” His hands clenched into iron fists at the thought of another man touching his wife. “Damn it!” he yelled.
How can I fix this? He never wanted Charli to be hurt by him again. He’d figure this out himself. Charli didn’t need one more thing to worry about. This was his problem to solve.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!” he screamed out, the crashing waves swallowing up his cries.
Finn dropped to his knees. The cold sand bit through his jeans. He was drowning, lost in the darkness, searching for any sign of help. Where to go from here? How could he find his way back—back to the Finn he’d been in that journal? The man who’d spent weekends away in the mountains fucking his wife? The one who was capable of saving her? The man who would do anything for Charli?
Finn sucked in a sharp breath of salty frigid air, shoulders slumped as he looked towards the heavens. Dark grey clouds had moved in, the North Star nowhere to be seen. He was alone on a deserted, frozen beach, with no guiding light.
