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Finn was a man of few words, and that was no different when writing, it seemed. This journal appeared to be an outlet for him. Or a place I kept my secrets. That thought had him hesitating. Did he want to read on? What if he found something else that would disrupt the fragile peace he and Charli had made? They were in a good place right now. She wouldn’t blame him for his past choices when he couldn’t remember them, would she? No.
But damn, this was his only direct access to the memories of his past locked somewhere inside his head. He turned the page and read on.
I fucked up. I fucked up and I don’t know how to fix this.
Shit. Maybe he should just close the book now. If he didn’t know, he couldn’t be responsible for it, right? Damn it! There was no way his curiosity would let this rest. Finn took a deep breath, steeling himself as he continued.
I’m almost seven thousand miles away from Charli and I still managed to fuck up her life. She was attacked the other night. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to protect her . . . And worst of all, it’s all my fault she was targeted.
What. The. Fuck? Finn slammed the book shut and tossed it onto the coffee table like it was on fire. His chest heaved as he bolted to his feet. Pacing back and forth, he pulled the ends of his hair.
“What the fuck did you do, Finn?” He cursed.
Maybe I didn’t mean it like that. Perhaps I just blamed myself for not being here when she needed me. His stomach dipped, bile rising in his throat at the words repeated in his head. It was my fault she was targeted. Targeted.
He sunk to the ground defeated, his head in his hands. “What did I do?” He slammed his fist against his head again and again. “Why can’t I remember?”
The pain did nothing to jolt his memory. He sat there alone with the weight of his past choices bearing down on him, snuffing out his hope that there would be smooth sailing from here on out. His heart squeezed tight in a fist of regret and guilt. Staring at his open palms, he said, “What have I done?”
How could he have done something to put Charli in a position to be harmed in the worst way? What kind of man was he? Maybe Charli would be better off without him. He shook his head. No. He’d spend the rest of his life making this up to her. He’d protect her with his life. But there was no way he could tell her about this.
He picked up the worn journal, searching for any more details to help him, but the remaining pages were blank. He ran back out to the garage and dropped the book in a metal garbage can. Flicking the cap off a container of lighter fluid, he poured some over the journal before dropping a match. Flames burst over the pages, eating them up, distorting them until nothing was left but ash. This was one secret he’d take to the grave so that he and Charli could have a fighting chance. That old Finn was gone. It was time he accepted that. He’d make up for his past sins, both known and unknown. They would move forward. As long as the past didn’t come back to haunt him.
32
Charli
After another week, Charli and Finn had found a rhythm to their daily schedules. Finn’s lips pressed against her cheek, waking her up. He smelled like he was fresh out of the shower, clean with an amber musk. She smiled and opened her eyes.
He handed her a cup of ginger tea. She sat, gratefully accepting the gift. “Made you some toast too, if you want?” He set the plate on the bedside table.
“I like this breakfast-in-bed thing. What time is it?”
He lifted his watch. “Noon.”
“I overslept. You should have woken me.” She sipped her tea. It was the perfect temperature.
“You need your rest. You’re growing my baby boy. Besides, it was my fault you were up so late.” He winked.
“Several orgasms before bed is my favorite way to be put to sleep.” She grinned at what had become their nightly routine after work. He’d run her a bath, massage her body, and then when she couldn’t take it anymore, he’d give it to her until she was boneless and limp, falling asleep in his arms. Though he’d only take her in two positions with her growing belly: from behind or with her riding on top, because he’d read on some website those were the only comfortable ones for pregnant women.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” He smirked. “You sure it’s still safe? With the baby and all?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “You know there is something we haven’t discussed?”
His eyes flicked to hers, brows drawn together worriedly. “What’s that?”
“We haven’t picked out a name for him.”
Finn blew out a breath, his shoulders relaxing as he came to sit on the edge of the bed, facing her. “What about Ford?”
“Like the car?” She scrunched her nose skeptically.
“It’s a cool name for a kid.”
“How about Noah?”
“Like the ark? No.” He shook his head.
