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“I started some medication after I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder bordering clinical depression.” The words tumbled out of her, and then her belly stopped moving as if she was holding her breath.
“Is it helping?” he asked.
She exhaled. “It’s not perfect, and I’m still trying out which one is for me, but I have more good days than bad.”
“What can I do?” He was so helpless in this situation. He needed something to do—anything.
“You know a lot of people talk about the light at the end of the tunnel and the darkness sucking them down? But not a lot of people talk about the grey in between. It’s like a fog that makes it hard to see the light. You know it’s there, tempting and teasing you with its subtle warmth shining on those around you, but you can’t even feel it unless you find a way to climb out of the mist.
She took a breath as he tried to envision her metaphor.
“My life has been a series of monochromatic grey. It’s like I’m somewhere in the middle of light and dark. I know the sun is there, but I can’t feel it. And on my bad days, the cold blackness of my depression tugs my ankle, trying to pull me down. When I cut, I get these glimpses of warm sunshine.” She took another deep breath, preparing herself for the admissions pouring from her heart. “When I was with you, it was like seeing color for the first time.”
Link’s chest squeezed, and his eyes stung. His heart broke that she felt so lost. His arms tightened around her.
“In the grey, you feel numb. An outsider to an alien world. It’s like living in the shadows—the in-between. Purgatory. Why bother getting out of bed? The thought crosses your mind as you desire to isolate yourself despite feeling lonely. And that’s the tricky part. One wrong step and you can fall into the thick blackness. Monsters live there. Sometimes their cold tentacles reach up from the inky pool, wrapping around your ankles, trying to pull you under.”
She continued, hot tears dripping onto his arm. “That’s when you should scream for help, because by the time those currents of hopelessness pull you under, it’s next to impossible to cry out because you’re drowning. You can’t get out of bed. You can’t sleep, or you sleep too much. You just want to escape, willing to trade anything for one minute’s relief.” She trembled. “But that’s when the darkness does something even more sinister. It plays with your mind, until you’re convinced it’s better down there, so much that you crave even more. More darkness. More silence. It tricks you into thinking everyone in the light will be better off without you. And then you stop fighting, ending it all to stay in the quiet depths.”
He cleared his throat, raw with heartache. “Is that how you felt?”
She nodded. “That bathroom floor was rock bottom for me. And I don’t ever want to be there again. I’m learning to find my way out.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
Her breath stuttered. “I’m learning to love and forgive myself. To ask for help. It’s hard to show my needs to others. It’s hard not to hold things in. I used to think it meant I was strong, not showing my emotions. But I see now how that only hurt me. True strength comes from within, from loving myself enough to feel those emotions and then deal with them. To express myself in healthy ways. True strength means loving myself enough to ask for help.”
“You are so strong. So brave,” he encouraged.
“I don’t feel it.”
“Strength isn’t about swallowing down emotions but being strong enough to face that feeling and show you’re human.”
She laughed. “You sound like Doctor Ruby.”
He smiled against her shoulder.
“The urge is still there. But each time I refuse, it gets quieter,” she confessed in a whisper.
He ran his hand over the raised, newer thick scars, the stark reminder of her darkness that night.
“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed.
He turned her around so he could face her, cradling her face in his hands gently. “Shhhh. Hey. Sweetheart, you were hurting, and I’m the one who’s sorry I couldn’t see it.”
Her eyes blinked open, vulnerability glowing in her gaze. Droplets of tears stuck to her blond lashes. “That isn’t your fault, Link. Don’t take the burden of my choices on your shoulders.”
“I won’t if you won’t blame yourself for your mom leaving.”
Her gaze wavered. “I’m working on that.”
He kissed her. “That’s all I can ask.”
After another moment of silence, she asked, “What are we going to do about us?”
“I told you I’m ready to pack up and follow you to the ends of the earth.”
She sniffled. “But I want what is best for you. You shouldn’t have to give up your dream for me.”
