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Cassidy shook her head. “No, Brynn, it absolutely doesn’t.”
Brynn nodded. “Sometimes I think I might be ready to have sex with Aaron, but I still don’t quite feel ready. What if I freeze? What if I go back to that room and Paul—” She shook her head. “I’m so scared.”
“It seems like your husband has been patient thus far. He married you knowing this was a struggle for you, correct? Or do you feel pressured by him?”
Brynn shook her head. “No, not at all. Aaron is gentle and patient and kind.”
Cassidy relaxed into her chair. “That’s great news. When you get to that point, start slow and speak up when something bothers you. Let him know your triggers as you discover them.”
Brynn took a deep breath. “Is it possible for someone like me to have a normal intimate life someday?”
Cassidy waited a beat and then said, “Healing is different for everyone. There may be some situations where you can’t do certain acts, positions, or what have you. There may be times when you are fine, and other times where you can’t even be touched by the person you love, whom you know will never hurt you. Just remember we’re all a work in progress, and tomorrow is a new day. Healing isn’t linear, it’s up and down, but you are always moving forward—even when it doesn’t feel like you are.”
Brynn swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat. “Thank you.”
“And, Brynn?”
“Yes?”
“Just because you were violated in the worst ways doesn’t make you any less worthy.”
Tears blurred Brynn’s vision with her admission. “But I’m so broken.” Her shoulders caved in as she bowed her head in her hands. Wet tears dripped down her arms, soaking into her pants.
The couch sunk beside her as Cassidy’s citrus perfume wafted over. “Can I place my hand on your shoulder, Brynn?”
Brynn nodded.
Cassidy’s palm was warm and brought a little comfort to the emotional storm raging within Brynn as she spoke her truth out loud for the first time.
Cassidy waited until her sobs had subsided before she spoke, “Honestly, we’re all a little broken. We all have things in our past that have hurt us. Some more than others. I wish I could tell you there was a reason for all the suffering you’ve endured. But what I do know is everything you’ve been through in your life has brought you to where you are today. It’s shaped you into who you are. Think of where Dani would be right now if you hadn’t have gotten the courage to leave.”
“But I should have left sooner. My sister would still be alive if I’d gone too.”
Cassidy’s expression softened. “If you had gone, you and Dani would have been punished as well.”
Brynn wiped the tears from her eyes as more sprung in their place. “But maybe, if I’d done something more . . .”
“You were a child, brainwashed and abused. You were a victim of your circumstance.” Cassidy leaned forward and pointed at Brynn. “You defied everything that had been ingrained in you to escape to a better life and bring your child out of that hell. You stopped the cycle from repeating for Dani. You saved your daughter’s life. That’s no small feat, Brynn.”
“But I failed my sister.”
“You couldn’t have saved her.”
Brynn gasped, her hand clasping her shirt and pulling it away from her chest as she tried to breathe, but a crushing invisible weight pressed against it. Her breaths became shorter, but it wasn’t enough oxygen. She was suffocating.
Cassidy stood and went to her desk as Brynn’s heart raced. I’m having a heart attack. Something’s wrong and I can’t even call out for help.
“Here.” Cassidy returned with a brown paper bag and placed it over Brynn’s mouth. “You’re having a panic attack. And I need you to take deep breaths. Breathe with me.” Cassidy sat on the coffee table and moved into Brynn’s line of vision, her nostrils flaring as she inhaled.
Brynn tried to copy her, though her mind was woozy. The bag over her lips deflated until she breathed out, filling it back out again.
“Good, keep going,” Cassidy encouraged.
After what felt like an eternity passed, Brynn’s breathing had evened out, and her heart rate was back to normal. Her stomach was nauseous and all her energy drained. She just wanted to close her eyes and escape into sleep.
“Do those happen often?” Cassidy asked.
Brynn shook her head. “Not like that.”
