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The morningafter I saw James kissing Lena, I woke bleary-eyed and sadder than I’d ever been in my life. Delphia, who had held me as I wept, didn’t stir as I quietly got out of bed. In the bathroom, I washed and dressed in a casual day dress. The house was quiet, but our rooster was doing his best to wake the entire household. When I went downstairs, no one was about, other than the noise of the staff in the kitchen below. I needed to work, I thought. Distracting work that would take my mind off my troubles.
One of the maids had already set a pot of coffee in the dining room. I helped myself to a cup and went into the sitting room to the desk and typewriter. Instead of writing, I simply stared at a blank page. My eyes were too foggy to read James’s notes in the margins. A tear rolled down my cheek and landed on the ink, blurring it further. How could I go on? Not like this.
Perhaps I should go away? Do something with my life, other than pine away for James the rest of my days. Should I revisit the idea of university? Perhaps I could study literature and work on becoming a stronger writer. I looked around the sitting room at the hundreds of books that lined the shelves. Books were here. I could read anything I wanted.
I gave up on working and took my cup of coffee over to sit in an easy chair that faced the front of the house. Sunlight flooded the front yard. Bunnies and birds scurried about looking for their breakfast. I breathed in the delicious aroma of coffee, then took a sip. The coffee was hot and perfectly bitter. Delphia preferred hers with loads of sugar and cream, but I liked it this way. After the cup was empty, I set it aside and closed my eyes, listening to the sounds of my family and our guests beginning to wake. The maids were up and down the stairs, serving coffee and breakfast to whoever wanted to eat in their rooms.
A sound in the doorway made me jump. It was Mama, fully dressed and looking as fresh as the morning dew. “Addie, what’re you doing up so early?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
She came to stand next to me, drawing my face upward with the tips of her cool fingers. “You’ve been crying?”
“Yes, I have. Feeling very sorry for myself. Imagining living like Emily Dickinson.”
She chuckled as she took the chair next to me. “I hate to see a daughter of mine weep when the Lord has brought such a wondrous day as this.”
I nodded as tears came, burning the insides of my eyelids. “Oh, Mama. I don’t know what to do with myself.”
“Dearest Addie.” Mama’s face crumpled as she took in my pathetic countenance. “It must be so hard to see them together.”
“That’s just it. He doesn’t love her. He loves me.”
She jerked back. “What?”
“Yes, he’s told me as much.”
Mama didn’t say anything for a moment. “Dear, good James, taking the burden of it all upon himself even though he loves you.” She looked at me, sharp this time. “And you’re absolutely certain he feels the same way about you?”
“Yes, I’m sure. But I can’t make him choose between me and them. Not that he would anyway. He’s too loyal, Mama. His mother and sister need him. They’ve done nothing to deserve all of this.”
Mama had paled. Her hands trembled slightly as she tented them into a prayer-like gesture. She rose to her feet and went to one of the bookshelves as if to choose something to read but then turned and came back to me. “There must be something we can do.”
“There isn’t, Mama. We can’t simply take what we want with no thought of the consequences. You and Papa have taught me that. For that matter, the whole reason you came here was to save your mother and sister. It was a great sacrifice, and yet you didn’t hesitate.”
“I didn’t have a choice.”
“Neither does James,” I said. “No matter what James chooses, someone gets hurt.”
“I wish it didn’t have to be either of you,” Mama said. “I wonder what Lena feels about all of this?”
“I caught them kissing last night.” I swallowed the bile that rose up from my empty stomach. I’d not been able to get the scene out of my head. All night long it had played before me.
“Oh, my darling girl. I’m sorry.” She placed a hand on my cheek. “You poor, poor girl.”
After a moment, I withdrew from her to look out the window. The sun filtered through the thicket of trees, a golden and hopeful peach gossamer blanket. “I can’t stand it—seeing the two of them together. Not after what we’ve shared.” The kiss we shared. I kept that to myself, knowing Mama would not be pleased. I flushed just thinking of how my whole world had expanded in those stolen moments between us. I’d not known before what it meant to feel passion. No wonder all of my siblings had gone to whatever length they needed to ensure their love would last. Even Cym, who my mother had said was the most practical of all of us, had succumbed.
“Has he kissed you?” Mama asked.
I dipped my head. I’d never lied to my mother in my life, but what could I say that didn’t make James sound like a cad? Cheating on his fiancée? “If I tell you the truth, you mustn’t think poorly of him. I practically begged him to kiss me.”
She let her forehead drift to her hands. “Addie, of all my children, I’d not have thought it was you who would behave scandalously.”
“I know, Mama. I’m sorry.” I looked up at her, fighting more pesky tears. “Please forgive me. I know it’s only an excuse, but have you ever wanted something so desperately that all sensible thought flew from your mind? All I wanted was the chance to know what it would be like to kiss him. Only the one time. One kiss to last the rest of my life.”
She was quiet for so long that I thought I’d truly angered her. I braced myself for the tongue-lashing I deserved. Instead, when she raised her gaze to look at me, a light in her eyes told a different story. The fire I saw in them reminded me of Cymbeline. “You must fight, Addie. You must fight for the man you want.”
“Fight? Mama, how could I possibly? Think of his family.”
