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She trailed off when she looked at his expression. At his eyes. So detached. Unfocused. He wasn’t even looking at her.
“Ferro, don’t do this,” she said.
“Don’t do what, Julia?”
“You know what you’re doing, don’t pretend. You’re trying to put distance between us, that’s what all of this has been about. All of tonight.”
“I don’t have to try to put distance between us. That’s all there has ever been between us. Our bodies have been close, we have not been.”
“That’s not true. It’s not.”
“It is. I’m sorry if that’s a hard truth for you, Julia, but it is.”
“You are such a coward!” she said, screamed, really, because she couldn’t believe what he was doing. Couldn’t believe that he was standing there in slacks and a button up shirt, perfectly pressed still, ready to walk out the door like nothing had happened, while she was naked and rumpled and completely altered by what had happened between them.
“A coward, Julia? Is that what you think? You attribute far too much emotion to me, cara mia.”
“You hide so well, Ferro, you even manage to hide from yourself. But you can’t hide from me. I know you.”
“You think you know me because I told you some stories about my past? Because we slept together?”
“No, I think I know you because I understand how those things made you feel. I understand that you don’t feel all blasé and whatever about your past. I know that it hurts. I know you won’t let yourself move on because you feel dirty. Because you’re so scared. Of what, I don’t know. But you cling to your past like you need it to protect you. To remind you.”
“Look at you pretending you have it all figured out. You’re hiding, too, Julia.”
“I was. You’re right. But…I’m not going to now. I can’t now. I was so afraid to ever trust. How could I trust anyone? Ever. How could I show I was vulnerable? Look what happened to me when I tried. My mother, my own mother, chose a date for me who tried to rape me. Of course I had trouble with it. Of course I hid. But you made me see how great it was to just come out and be me. I trust you. With everything. Everything I have, everything I am. I love you, Ferro. We both deserve more than we’ve given ourselves. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Who cares about the past? We have a present. We have a future, why should the past get all the play?”
“You don’t love me, Julia. You’re just a girl who got introduced to sex and thinks an orgasm is the same as feelings.”
The barb hit its mark, sinking in deep, the pain in her chest radiating outward. Again, she’d shown herself, all of herself, to someone, and again she had been rejected.
“You don’t get to tell me what I feel,” she said, anger propelling her forward rather than letting her hide. “I love you.”
“Dammit, woman, where is your sense of self-preservation? You were better off with your armor than you are showing off all your emotion for the world to see. To use against you. Do you know how easily crushed you are?”
Julia sucked in a breath. “Does my emotion frighten you?” she asked. He said nothing so she pressed on. “I’m sorry my passion and enthusiasm and human emotion make you uncomfortable, Ferro. I am.” She paused, focused on what she felt, on all the emotion that was coursing through her. And she realized how much she’d held back, for so long, in order to please others. She was done with that. Starting now.
“No, you know what? I’m not sorry. I’m done apologizing for being me. I’m done feeling bad for being who I am. I’m a geek. And I laugh too loud, because when I think something is funny, I think it’s really funny. If I like a game or a movie, I really like it. Like, dress up in costume like it. I will never fit in. I will never be normal. And when I love someone…I love with everything. With all of me. Ferro, I love you. If that bothers you, fine. But I’m not going to stop. I’m not going to sublimate it, or play it cool. I’m going to shout it, and feel it, breathe it, live it, and no one is going to tell me I can’t, or it’s wrong, or it’s embarrassing. Yeah, I’m through apologizing. I’m done hiding. I love you. I’m not sorry. So it’s your move now. You have to tell me no if that’s what you want, but you can’t pretend that I don’t know my mind, that this is somehow not real. If you’re going to reject me, you have to face what it is you’re rejecting.”
