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That thought pulls me back into myself. I feel my ribs sliding into place and locking over my heart.
I need some distance.
We walk out the back doors of the Bettencourt International headquarters and into a cool fall evening. I parked a few blocks away in a membership-only structure. The sandals Elise grabbed from the gymflipandflopon the concrete. Dark store windows watch us pass. I’m torn between feeling relieved to be outside and incredibly exposed. Bettencourt could have someone following us.
It’s an uneventful trip to the parking structure. At the first-floor security station, I hand one of the attendants my card. He’s got a decent poker face, but his brow furrows at our matching sweatsuits and the strange collection of clothes in Elise’s arms.
She catches him looking and smiles. God, it’s sweet. Like sugar dissolving on my tongue. He forgets to care about whatwe’re wearing. Five minutes later, we’re in my SUV, pulling out into the night.
It’s not very cold, but I can’t get warm. I want the heated seat to be scorching.
I want to be less of a wreck right now. Every time my headlights bounce on the road, my feelings turn over like a kaleidoscope. I don’t want her in the consortium. I want her withme. I should never have blurted out what happened that night in the alley. I should have been able to handle the initiation without having a fucking meltdown. I shouldn’t have explained myself. I shouldn’t have had to explain.
Elise is quiet on the ride through the city. I wish the drive between the Bettencourt International headquarters and my brownstone lasted hours. This late at night, or this early in the morning, the traffic flows easily. The traffic, unlike Bettencourt, approves of bringing Elise with me.
I’d still bring her even if the universe was dead set against it. I can’t bear to be apart from her. Not tonight. I need her in bed next to me or I won’t be able to sleep, and then my head will explode, and I’ll die before I can finish my plan.
But mostly, I need to be sure she’s not going to have a breakdown of her own. Sometimes people hold it together until everything seems fine, and then they crumble. If that happens to Elise, she’s not going to be alone in her apartment in Brooklyn.
By the time we reach my neighborhood, the adrenaline of the evening has thoroughly worn off. A dull headache throbs above my right eye. I haven’t eaten since breakfast, and what little I ate then is in a fourth floor wastebasket in the Bettencourt International headquarters. My eyes burn. My muscles ache.
Victory feels like shit.
We roll into the parking garage down the block from my place. The SUV’s Bluetooth opens the gate to a secure level I share with one other guy who has too many cars for his owngood. It feels better to pull into the spot next to my Ferrari than it did to get into the consortium.
I lean my head against the headrest and close my eyes.
“Are you okay?” I can feel Elise watching me. We spent far too long in that conference room, but it didn’t change the buttercream frosting scent of her skin. Her question has the same soft sweetness to it. I’m tired and surly and worn out, though, and it feels abrasive. Or maybe I’m the thing that feels so rough to live with.
“I’ve never been better. Why?”
“Because you barely said a word the whole drive here. Actually, you didn’t say any words at all after we got in the car.”
This is why I shouldn’t have told her. She’s going to think everything I do is an outgrowth of that single, terrible night in the alley. Plus all the other nights after, when I kept going back.
“You’re staying with me tonight.” I sound very much like a belligerent frat boy. I’ve neverbeena frat boy. An image of Jacob flickers into my mind, standing outside that room and reciting Greek letters that meant he belonged somewhere.You should have been there. They would have loved you.
“Okay.” I open my eyes. Elise is still watching, her mouth quirked with tired amusement. I thought she might argue. I thought maybe she came to her senses about me. A delayed reaction to what I told her.
“And you’re getting out of the consortium in the morning.”
Her smile fades. “Gabriel.”
I get out of the SUV and go around to her side. Help her out. It’s not far to the brownstone, and I want my own clothes. Ones that haven’t played a starring role in anything to do with the consortium. I retrieve the bundle of tainted clothes and tuck them into my elbow.
Elise stays close as we go out onto the sidewalk. She can borrow some of Remy’s clothes again. I’m not sure if they wearthe same size shoes, though. If she doesn’t, that’s a problem I can solve in the morning. We come up on an alley with a convenient dumpster. I tip the clothes into it. Fuck those clothes.
I return to Elise’s side, and we keep walking.
“I’m not getting out of the consortium.”
Yes, she is. “Maybe you can go stay with Charlotte for a while. Mason can protect you from your father and the rest of the members.”
Unlike me, Mason can protect the people he loves. He couldn’t protect me, but that wasn’t his fault. I never told him I needed help. Frankly, I didn’t. I got us out of that year alive, and now he’s here and in a position to keep Elise safe.
I’m not. I’minthe goddamn consortium. That hasn’t changed the fact that I love her.
I’m in love with her, even when I feel like a worthless asshole.
