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Just like I didn’t deserve her forgiveness.
“When I caught a glimpse of your wolf running down the hill, I didn’t want to believe it was you,” she confessed. “Being naive is always a fun backup plan to have. To pretend you don’t see what has made you feel vulnerable and weak in the past.”
I could feel the pain in her voice. “I wanted to pretend it was just an illusion, but you can’t ignore something that contributed to your growth in life. Regardless if it’s good or bad.”
Her wisdom was another confirmation that she’d had to have gone through some things without me. Gone through the dark experiences that forced all of us to grow up at some point in life.
“You know, at first I wanted to be furious with you. To express my anger and disappointment, all because I felt like you’d abandoned me,” she confessed but let out a long sigh. “But over the years, I realized what a dangerous fiend the Vile Queen has become. How she manipulates and coils herself around those in power that you’d never think would give in to her.”
I turned my head to the side, and I realized she was staring at me.
“She used to be my mom’s best friend. We already know how cunning Elphaba is. Imagine someone on her same level.” I felt like she needed to say this to reassure her own mind that begged to contradict her. “Even though I say this…I still questioned why you weren’t strong enough to get out of her hands. Why didn’t you push past your limits to return to us? You’re a reaper wolf. The last of your kind. You can bring the dead back to life with your eyes closed. Why couldn’t you escape?”
I knew what she really was asking.
Why didn’t you go above and beyond to return to me?
"You won’t like my answer.” I didn’t seek to stall the inevitable, but even though she’d grown into a woman, I wasn’t sure she’d quite understand my odd point of view.
Would Willow even understand me?
She huffed and rolled her eyes. “You thought I’d move on.”
“And you did,” I replied and turned away to look at the sky once more.
Neither of us spoke, as if the obvious conclusion needed to stay within the air for us both to understand and accept.
“You know,” she quietly began, “there was a time when my sister got into a life-or-death situation. It wasn’t her fault she was in a dark place, and the person who instigated the attempted murder took advantage of such an opportunity to end her. It obviously did a number on Willow, but you know who took it harder?”
Deep down, I could guess who, but I played along. “Who?”
“Your brother,” she casually voiced with a hint of amusement. “I wasn’t allowed to get close to Willow back then. Mother didn’t believe I could execute secrecy and all that other bullshit since I was rather rebellious at that age. Obviously, I went against her command. I got beat for it when she found out, but I think it was a learning lesson I needed to witness with my own eyes which was why she allowed it to begin with.”
“What do you mean?” I was genuinely curious.
“Well, the time span was two years. I stalked my sister for that entire time because I needed to know she was okay. Obviously, she wasn’t. She surely must have felt alone and abandoned, and no matter how close I was in the shadows, I couldn’t do a single fucking thing. I felt pathetic honestly, and even more of a shitty sister because despite all the resources I carried in my grasp, I wasn’t allowed to interfere. I wasn’t allowed to use the money and power that was bestowed upon me temporarily for my own sister to inherit when her awakening came. Instead, I had to watch her suffer, but I realized she had one thing that I didn’t.”
“What was that?” I just had to know.
“Loyalty.”
That wasn’t what I’d expected her to say, which was why I looked back at her while she still looked up to the sky. Her seriousness was a rarity. The younger sister of the Phoenix empire always gave off the vibe that she played around and asked questions later, but here she was, focused on speaking her truth.
“The two years Onyx was away, she could have just moved on. She had every right to. She’d faced death right on and woke up to realize the man she probably loved dearly was suddenly gone. Maybe in shifter years, two years is nothing, but not to me. It’s a long time, even if it blurs by with a few blinks of your eyes. Regardless of Willow’s gender fluidity, she could have grabbed anyone she wished. She could have had a fling or even been with her best friend she’d been lusting for. She could have done so much in that time frame, and Onyx probably wouldn’t have blamed her for moving forward…but she didn’t. She waited. As if she knew that no matter how many years went by, he’d return to her.”
She closed her eyes and stretched her arms until her hands rested behind her back. “What I’m trying to say…is I fucked up. I had a crush on you because…you meant a lot to me. You were my outlet, even if it wasn’t on a physical or sexual type of level. But I knew when push came to shove emotionally, I could rely on speaking my rattled thoughts and you’d understand where I was coming from.”
Her confession made my eyes soften while I looked back at the sky.
“Being the second child has always sucked. It’s a bit funny cause it’s not even like I’m second in line when it comes to my father’s side, but because we’re so rooted in wolf hierarchy and royal cultures, it feels that way. My born role was to take the lead until my older sister was ready to divulge her true role in the world, like a grand reveal after being an outcast for all these years. Honestly, in the beginning, it felt like an honor, and you helped me out with that mentality, but when you left and the replacements came in, I felt like the world was doing its best to turn me against my own sister, encouraging me to use the power in my possession and steal it from its rightful owner. Those were really the moments I wished to speak to you. I’d look up to the sky during starry nights or full moons and ask Goddess to deliver my worries to you in hopes you’d give me an answer wherever you were. So funny and a little pathetic, but hey. I was a lonely kid wishing for someone to hear my cries. Little did I know you were going through a strenuous time of your life that you didn’t even deserve to endure.”
I should have comforted her in a way, apologized for not doing exactly as she said: trying harder, fighting against the Vile Queen’s hold, pushing myself past my limits just so I could get back to her side.
But that was back then. I’m not the same person now.
So I had nothing to say. No words to try to make her feel better or counter her wise declaration. It wasn’t like I couldn’t comprehend what she was saying, but maybe because our dynamic was no longer what it used to be, I had no words of solace for her.
I was no longer her Guardian or someone she wished would be a lover.
