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That’s all I put, then I power off my phone and curl up, resting my head on the window. Goodbye Texas. Good riddance. All you ever gave me was trauma and heartbreak.
Epilogue
Layton
They say depression is what someone goes through when they feel hopeless, worthless … Maybe, or maybe we’re all just sad sometimes. And we don’t need a diagnosis, or medication to make us happy. We just need to feel what we feel.
Growing up, I never expected to live past the age of twenty. If it wasn’t the beatings from my father, it was my sick thoughts. I’d always planned to end my life. To get away from the pain, the torture that was my day to day. To feel peace, free for once. I had it all planned out, well, that was until I met Jase Hawthorne. He became my rock, my best friend, and, later, my soulmate. I always thought he would be my end game, but when I met Carson, my thoughts became muddled, and confused again. When she decided to date us both, I thought my dreams were coming true. That I would get my happily ever after, but now that's gone, the sick thoughts are returning.
I should feel relief, we did it. Finally got the tape back, but I can’t, because I lost the woman of my dreams in the process. I reach the house before anyone else. Jase is still at the party. The party that was supposed to change everything. We had plans tonight. Big plans. We were going to ask Cara to move in with us for the summer. Even got Connor and Xavier on board. A summer beach house in Galveston. I remembered Carson telling me about her short trip before school started and how much she loved it. We wanted to surprise her. I thought all the blackmail bullshit was over, but I should have known Penny had other plans.
I slam the door and grab the first bottle of liquor I can find. Twisting the cap off I take some deep gulps. I can't get the devastated look she gave me when she left out of my head.
I’m worthless. I’m heartless. I never deserved her. There’s no way to make things better.
I wipe my eyes of the tears that won't stop falling and walk out the back door to where my dirt bike is parked. I down another fourth of the vodka and then toss it to the bench on the patio. I don't hear shattering glass so I assume it made it on the cushion. Not that I really care right now. My phone buzzes, but I ignore it. I know it's J. I can’t handle seeing the lies and betrayal in his eyes. One time tonight was enough for me. He should have told me what had happened. I knew. I knew that something was going on around Halloween, but he swore to me that it was nothing. Just normal guilt over having to deceive Carson. I should have known it was more, but I was too caught up in her and the way she made my demons run away.
You’re stupid. You never deserved them. They’re better off without you.
I smack my head. “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up,” I scream, but the voices, they won’t leave. They mock me. I reach my bike and grab my helmet, staring at it for a moment.Do I really need this?It won’t stop the inevitable. I go to toss it in the direction of the vodka, but I stop and throw it on my head.
If I wear it, maybe they can give me an open casket. I swing my leg over the seat and kick the stand free, before taking one more glance over my shoulder at the home I had always wanted. Even if it was a frat house with a stream of parties, and you could never get rid of the locker room stench. It was mine with the people I loved. A place I felt safe and didn’t worry about going into at night.
It was all lies. They never loved you. They pitied you and your fucked up past.I tug the bottom of my shirt up my stomach to my eyes and wipe the tears again. I just want to be happy. Maybe in the afterlife I’ll finally find peace.
I gas the throttle and take off into the night. Campus is practically dead, everyone is still at the Kippa Valentine’s party. Just an excuse to hook up. I had plans to take Jase and Carson to the hotel in town for the night. I splurged and got us a king sized bed and a hot tub. I rip the hotel card from my back pocket, careful not to tip the bike and chuck it at the first couple I see. I don’t care who it is, maybe they’ll have better luck. I speed off campus and turn to the backwoods that run along the college walls. The ground is bumpy and I increase my speed getting a few last moments of fresh air and adrenaline. Making me feel alive. My vision starts to blur from the tears and I let go of one of the handlebars. My phone is still buzzing in my pocket, but I know if I hear his voice I’ll go back to him, and this time I just can’t.
He never loved you. It was all lies. You’re not worthy of love. You’re a waste of breath.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I thought things were changing, but life’s a bitch and then you die. Isn’t that how the saying goes? I glance up and grab the handlebar once more but it’s too late. A tree comes out of nowhere, and at the speed I’m going I know this is going to hurt.
I hit head on and my life flashes before my eyes. I guess that isn’t just an expression. I see the moment I ran into Cara, all the hugs, kisses, and quiet time we spent together. I see the moment Jase kissed me for the first time. The night everything changed. I see my mother and how she tried to love me. And I see him. The man who broke me down until I became nothing. At least I know even in Hell he can’t touch me. My breaths get shorter and the pain starts to numb.
All I ever wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t anyone love me?
My eyelids feel heavy and I smile. It doesn’t matter now, I’m finally free.
