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It was a little distracting to have her in the crowd. Before, I liked it, but now I had too many questions and too many thoughts and wonder. I was too worried about wondering what she was doing here. I wanted to believe that she was no longer mad about the other evening, but I can't say that I believed it. She didn't look mad, but women were strange that way, holding on to emotions until the least opportune time.
When the first set was over, I talked to Tommy for a moment, before I went to go see Betty. I think more than anything, I was trying to get the guts up to say something. I knew that she was going to be hard to talk to. Was she still going to be mad at me for the day before or was it something else now? I didn't like not knowing what was going to happen next, but ever since Betty had moved in next door, nothing had been the same.
“Hey, it's good to see you, Betty. I didn't expect to see you here.”
“No, I guess you didn't.”
“So, what are you doing here?”
She told me that she wanted to have a conversation with me when I was done and again, I didn't know what that would entail. As soon as I thought that I had gotten the courage up, I lost it almost immediately. She was looking at me with questions in her eyes and I didn't know how to respond. If she would tell me, then I would know where we stood. At the moment, I just felt awkward and did not know where that was.
“Sure, of course I want to talk about whatever you want to talk about. If you don't want to talk about anything, though, we don't have to.”
“Why are you acting so weird?”
“I just don't want to upset you again. I felt really bad last night when you went home upset. That was never my intention.”
Betty waved me off like it wasn’t a big deal, but obviously it was. Or, at least it had been. I was afraid that she was going to spring some more information like that on me and I wouldn't be able to respond correctly. It was hard to keep a straight face when such things were being told. Not only that, there was a little bit of lost hopes and dreams slurred into the middle of that. I'd really hoped that we would be this power couple that I knew we could be. Like fate had something to do with it. But a virgin? What was I supposed to do with that?
“I actually wanted to apologize to you about what happened. I'm really not good at this and you are actually one of the first guys I've ever told that. Nobody knows that about me, and I guess I was just hoping for a different reaction. That is not to say that I didn't completely understand your reaction, but it was embarrassing, as you can imagine.”
Even as she said the words, I could see her face getting red. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t embarrassing at all. That it was no big deal, but then again, that would not be telling the truth. It was a big deal, but it wasn't a deal breaker. It was going to change the way that I approached her. How could it not?
“I didn't mean to embarrass you.”
“I know. It's just a little embarrassing, I guess, because I'm getting so old. It was bad enough when I was in college. The few people that knew about it always gave me shit. Guys never wanted to stay with me very long, because I wouldn't give them the one thing that they wanted. It’s a big deal.”
I told her that I could see that happening. She looked at me a little funny and I just agreed that I could see where she would be pressured. I could see that because that's exactly what I wanted to do to her. That's what I had tried to do. I had tried to talk her into it like she somehow didn't know what she was missing. I couldn't have been closer to the truth if I had tried, but then again, it still wasn't right, was it?
“So, you think that we could still hang out? I mean, even though we will not be doing that?”
She said ‘that’ like it was some foreign alien that she had never seen before and didn't want to see again. Is that how she thought about sex? There was so much that Betty didn't know and so help me, I wanted to be the one, desperately wanted to be the one that showed her. I wanted to be her first. I didn't know that until she told me that she had never been with anybody else. Knowing that it was an option, made me want it even more.
“Of course, we can hang out. I really enjoyed our time together. I can't say that I won't stop wanting you, because I think that's impossible, but I can control myself. I won't let anything happen to you.”
It was time for the next set, and I told her that I had to go. I didn't want to, I wanted to fix whatever this was between us.
“Just go ahead and go, Nick. You don't want to leave people waiting.”
“I don't care if people wait. Are you going to be here when I get done?”
She told me that she would be and that was the best answer I could get.
“I will be back in a few moments.”
Before I could think about it and the fact that we had just said there was going to be a certain bit of distance between us, I was pulling her up into my arms for a quick kiss. Her lips were surprised and felt perfectly soft. I pushed my tongue in passed her lips for only a moment, swiping against her own and then pulling her closer for just another second before I let go.
Letting go of Betty was one of the hardest things I’d ever done.
