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“That is bullshit.” She hopped off the stool and began to pace. “I would bet Lucas’s life savings on the fact that Jude worships the ground you walk on.”
“If he did, wouldn’t he have done something by now?” Fresh tears followed the lines of the old ones down my face. “I didn’t realize it until just now, but I didn’t mind that it was taking this long because I thought we were a given. I know it’s an assumption I shouldn’t have made, but I did. I figured we were going to be together, no matter how long it took for us to get there, and now—”
I couldn’t finish the sentence, but I now knew it wasn’t going to happen. “If it’s not a given, I don’t think I can do this, Evie. I don’t want to keep waiting anymore. And I try not to talk about it, but I am lonely. This hurts, and I can’t do it.”
Evelyn reached forward and placed her hand over mine on the table. “I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t think I’m jealous, Evie. I mean, I am, but I am so happy for you and Lucas, and Grace, and Cori. I’m over the moon for all of you. But…”
“But it hurts,” she said. “I get it.”
Standing, I grabbed a tissue and cleaned up my face. There would be more tears later, but the flood seemed to have stopped for the moment. “I’m a romantic. Never tried to hide the fact, and I always knew it was going to make things more difficult for me. I want someone to share my life with.” I heaved in a breath. “And if it’s not going to be Jude, then it’s time for me to move on so I can recover from this before trying to find someone else.”
“That’s not going to be easy.” Evie’s voice was quiet.
“No fucking kidding.” I crossed my arms and tilted my face back toward the ceiling. “And it’s going to be so much worse because I feel like everyone expects it, you know? Everyone in town thinks of me as taken because of Jude, and it’s the same for him. We’re together without being together, and it’s been that way forever. I know I tell you guys no and stuff, but we all knew better.”
“Yeah.” She leaned on the worktable, propping her head up with her hand. “I don’t know, babe. I would have sworn he liked you. More than liked you. If someone had asked me, I would have told them Jude was in love with you. He watches you whenever you’re in the same room. Not in a creepy way, but like he can’t take his eyes off you. And you already know about the hospital.”
I nodded. “I do. It was the whole reason I called him. Because he found me after Nathan, and it felt so similar. I don’t know. I almost can’t believe it, you know? I was so sure. Just like you, it was just a known thing. But I can’t stop feeling him push me away, and I can’t stop seeing him walk out the front door. Or him pulling away outside.”
The now familiar sharpness of shame fell over me, and I pressed my hand to my stomach. I felt sick with it. And… “I feel so stupid, Evie.”
“Hey, no, don’t do that.” She hopped off the stool and came to me, pulling me into a hug. “You’re not stupid.”
“Are you sure?” My voice cracked, and I hated how quickly tears came back. “Because it feels like only someone stupid could let this happen. I feel like I should have known, right? It’s been three years. Anyone else would have left it alone by now.”
I felt her shake her head. “If you’re stupid, then so is everyone else. And before you say anything else about what this is, or start saying it has to do with you and who you are, I’m going to tell you, lovingly, to shut the hell up.”
A laugh broke out of me, and she pulled back. “Listen, I was on Team Lena and Jude. And if there’s any chance this is a mistake or he’s just being an ass, then I’m still on Team Lena and Jude. But if this is going to hurt you? Of course I don’t want that.”
“Thanks.” It didn’t feel great, but at least I’d have someone in my corner when everyone else came and started saying what a shame it was Jude and I didn’t work out.
“You work so hard, and you’re half the reason anyone in this town has a good day. You make so many people’s days and bring joy to everyone. You fully deserve all the happiness you bring everyone else. And you will get it. I’ll make sure of it.”
I laughed again, crossing back to the table to take another sip of tea. It was steadying. “Thank you.”
Realistically, my plan of finding someone wasn’t going to start for a while. You didn’t get rid of an imprint from someone like Jude Williams overnight.
“Want to take the day off? We could close up shop and play hooky.”
“Part of me wishes we could,” I sighed. “But we’ve got like three weekly orders to make, and I want to see if there are any specials we can offer for Thanksgiving. People have already been asking about putting in orders, and I’ve been avoiding it. But at least today, it will give me something to focus on.”
Evie touched my shoulder as she passed. “Okay. I’ll go open us back up.”
She headed to the front of the shop, and I heard the chimes jingle, followed by her talking to a customer who must have been waiting. I didn’t go out—every part of me was still shaky, and I needed to look in the mirror. I probably looked like a drowned rat. Not the way I wanted people to see me.
It was good I’d told Evie. I felt lighter, if not better.
Grabbing my planner and my notebook from the office, I went back to the worktable. Something about being closed away in the office was entirely unappealing at the moment.
I started on the plans for Thanksgiving, based on what ingredients I could get and how much. Pumpkin, obviously, would be a big one. Apple and cherry too. But then there were the pies that flew under the radar but were still popular. Lemon silk and chocolate cream. I wanted to offer a couple of pies that were less common and a little off-the-wall too, simply to see if I could get people to expand their horizons. Maybe something like a cinnamon pear, or something with caramel? A custard pie could be nice.
Work like this always calmed me down and centered me. Figuring out new recipes, and even figuring out how much of things I needed to order, was a puzzle I enjoyed putting together. By the time Evelyn had taken care of the morning rush, I was feeling much better and ready to bake.
The day passed with me—mostly—able to keep my mind off Jude and out of the hole of embarrassment. Until evening, when I saw Bessie pull up outside. My traitorous heart leaped into the air and fell and crashed onto the sidewalk when I pushed open the door and saw Ben, the mechanic, getting out of the driver’s seat. “Hi, Ben.”
“Lena. She’s good as new.”
