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Noah smiled. The kind of smile you couldn’t hold back because it was too real. “It’s actually been great. Having her beside me…it’s like my subconscious knows she’s there now, and because I knew I wasn’t alone, it didn’t attack me. I’ve been sleeping far better with her than I ever did without.”
The mix of emotions in my chest was dragging me in multiple directions. It was exactly what I wanted to hear, and yet it wasn’t, because it gave me hope that might mean nothing. Part of me had wanted Noah to kill off the hope I still held so I could let it die. But the other day, Daniel had planted a new seed in my mind.
Now, Noah told me he was doing well, and he was well aware of my trauma. More than most. All this time, had I been locking myself out of something for no reason?
“What’s going on in there?” Noah asked. “You went quiet.”
“Not exactly unusual for me.”
He chuckled. “No. But you look like you need to talk. So, talk. Something is clearly bothering you. Even sparring, you usually have me on my ass by now.”
I made a face. That wasn’t strictly true, but I glanced at the clock, and we’d been going far longer than I realized. “Lena.”
“Mm.” He made the sound far too innocently.
“You know?”
“I don’t know anything but whispers that something changed, and I didn’t dig, because it’s none of my business.”
Briefly, I outlined what had happened and what I’d done. What Daniel said, and my own fear about hurting Lena.
“But there’s more than just the nightmares. I’m not the same person I was when I went into the caves.”
Noah snorted. “None of us are. If you can spring back from that like nothing happened, you’re either dead inside or a psychopath.”
“I don’t like surprises or being startled. Why do you think I bought a property out in the middle of nowhere and covered it with cameras? I mask it well, but I need control over my environment to make sure I’m okay. I need to be the dominant one.”
Part of me had always liked it. Even before everything happened—the captivity—I liked control in the bedroom. It was everything else that turned it into a need, more than just enjoyment. And I did enjoy it. Taking charge and allowing my partner to let go? Heaven. And the control gave my own pleasure an edge that couldn’t be matched.
I didn’t know if I could let it go. For Lena, I would be willing to try. But I still didn’t think she wanted anything to do with that kind of dynamic.
Noah raised an eyebrow, and I sighed. “Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking.”
“I don’t give a shit what you like in the bedroom,” he laughed.
“You’ve never felt that?”
He shrugged. “Here and there, but not in the way you’re talking about. But like I said, I don’t have a problem with it.”
Grant had similar inclinations to my own, but it wasn’t quite the same. Even without Noah having those desires, I was more comfortable talking about this with him. And that said a lot. “I don’t think Lena is submissive, is the problem.”
Sitting on the mat and stretching one leg, Noah gave me a look. “You think? Or you know?”
“You know her too,” I said. “She’s passionate and loves her freedom. I don’t see that changing in private.”
Noah laughed again, but this time, it didn’t seem funny. “You’ve dug yourself deeper than I realized.”
I started stretching too since we’d both silently agreed we were finished sparring. “What do you mean?”
My friend stared at me for so long I wondered if he’d fallen asleep.
“Noah?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should have been paying more attention, and I should have pushed you for answers more. Checked in and made you respond.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Jude, you can’t see what’s in front of you.”
