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Her hair was a blond explosion of waves, with streaks of purple and teal all through it. Curves you could see from a mile away and a smile that made it seem like the sun was shining even when it was past sunset.
I dropped out of the truck and went inside, unable to keep myself away, even if it was for the best. Only a couple months ago, at Harlan and Grace’s wedding, I’d danced with Lena. Having her in my arms…it was everything. But that was all it could ever be.
Cori waved to me on her way out, and the last customers were served their coffee before Lena saw me. Her eyes lit up, and her cheeks turned a shade of pink I always wanted to keep there. Preferably for different reasons. But that was a fantasy I needed to keep in my head and nowhere else.
“Hey, Jude. I have the stuff ready. I’ll be right back.”
I couldn’t keep my eyes off her as she went to the kitchen, the struggle in my mind warring back and forth. There was no one in my life I wanted more than Lena. There’d never been anyone I wanted as much as I did her. But after this morning—and every morning I woke up in the middle of a battle—it wasn’t meant to be. Lena was competent and fierce. I doubted the control I both needed and craved in the bedroom was something she would be interested in.
Even if she were…if I took her home and then hurt her in my sleep? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
She came out of the kitchen flushed, with the sound of Evelyn’s laughter following her out the door. A big paper bag was in her hands—the ranch’s weekly supply of bread and pastries for the communal kitchen.
“How are you today?” She swiped my card, not quite meeting my eyes.
“I’m all right,” I said. There should have been more words. Everything I ever wanted to say to her seemed to be blocked behind a wall in my own mind. One I was never quite able to tear down.
“Are you sure?” Lena sucked in a tiny breath, like she hadn’t meant to ask the question out loud. Her cheeks went pink all over again, and I allowed myself the torture of soaking up the image. “It’s just… You seem a little down. That’s all.”
I smiled at her, our fingers brushing as I took back the credit card and she passed me the bag of bread. No touch should feel so significant, and yet it did. “Rough night,” I said. “So I’m a little tired. I’ll be okay.”
“Okay,” she said quietly, biting her lower lip.
That tiny movement had me thinking about her lips and all the things I could do with them before I could redirect those very dangerous thoughts.
“Have a good day, Lena.”
Big gray eyes looked up into mine, full of hope I wasn’t able to satisfy. “You too.”
It was an effort to turn and walk away, more guilt building on top of my shoulders. I wasn’t blind. I knew Lena wanted me as much as I did her. Maybe more. And this wasn’t fair to her. I couldn’t give her what she wanted or what she deserved.
She deserved to be happy and fulfilled and not pining after a man who could kill her while he was unconscious. Now I just had to figure out how to let her go.
I dropped off the baked goods at the ranch and escaped before Lucas or Noah saw me. I wasn’t good company right now. Home was where I needed to be. Isolated, miserable, and alone.
Chapter 2
Lena Mitchell
I hummed into the quiet around me, the bakery long since closed and the door locked. It was easy to get lost in the sounds of baking, but now the oven was turned off and things were cooling, getting ready for the morning rush.
Usually when Evelyn was here, we played music or the radio while we worked. I used to have the same habit when I was alone too, but not anymore. Now when I was alone, if there was music, the panic started creeping up beneath my skin until I couldn’t ignore it.
If music was playing and I was alone, then I couldn’t hear if someone snuck up behind me. Or if someone knocked on the door. It made it so I was less aware of my surroundings, and that wasn’t a thing I could handle anymore. Not after everything.
Now, I was dragging on my feet. All day, we’d been busy, on top of custom orders for people in town. We still had more to make tomorrow, my usual order for the nursing home and a couple of parties. After getting everything prepped and laid out for the morning—I was never going to be one of those bakers willing to get up at four-thirty in the morning—I was ready to curl up at home with tea and a book until I fell asleep.
I made sure the back door was locked and flipped off the lights in the kitchen, ignoring the way my heart immediately started to pound. I was a grown woman, and the fact that I was now a little afraid of the dark was not exactly one of my proudest qualities.
It didn’t get better as I made my way toward the front of the shop, turning out lights as I went. I hated this feeling. It used to be there was never a time when I was afraid in Deja Brew. It was my happy place, and it felt like nothing could touch me. Now, the only place I felt truly safe was at home or at Resting Warrior.
Home had a security system—installed by Jude—and the ranch was probably the safest place for five hundred miles. And Jude was there. Jude made me feel safe. Just being around him made me feel better, though he’d looked miserable yesterday when he came in to pick up the ranch’s weekly order.
Everyone had bad days. Though, I wished I were the one making his day better instead of just giving him some pastries. But it had always been that way between us. I remembered the first time he’d come into Deja Brew, and I’d been so stunned, I hadn’t even been able to take his order.
I thought he was the biggest man I’d ever seen. And it still held true. Jude was well over six feet, bigger than a linebacker. Warm green eyes that crinkled with his rare smile. Not that he was grumpy. Just…reserved. It made the moments when he did smile so much better.
When I’d finally come around and was able to ask him what he wanted to order, his voice sent me to heaven all over again. I didn’t think I’d ever fully recovered from the way his voice dragged over my skin like rich honey and velvet. A dark sweetness able to wrap you up and never let you go.
