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Ellen Ackerman was someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. Not since her husband’s funeral, when she was so distraught I didn’t know if she even remembered my being there.
“I’m fine,” she said and sighed. “Well, I’m okay. You know how it is.”
“I do.”
“But…it’s the five-year anniversary of Isaac’s death soon. I’m having a little memorial. I mean, not like another funeral. More of a get-together just to remember him and for people who loved him to reconnect. That kind of thing.”
The fact that she thought of me was both touching and brought my guilt freshly to the surface. While I was helping Lena with the bakery, and getting lost in her, Isaac hadn’t been in the forefront of my thoughts for the last few days. I usually thought about him every day.
I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad one.
“Idaho Falls?”
“Yeah. Next week. I’ll email you the address if you can make it. I didn’t book the same place as the funeral. It felt a little macabre.”
I laughed but didn’t quite feel it. “Send me the details. I’d like to make it if I can.”
“Thank you. I know it’s pretty last minute, so I understand if you can’t, but it would be good to see you. See everyone who can make it. I spoke to Noah, and he told me he couldn’t.” Given that he and Kate were barely recovered from their ordeal, it made sense. “How are you doing?”
“Right now, I’m good.” I was glad to be able to say it truthfully. “Better than I’ve been in a long time. But it comes and goes. You know how that is.”
“Yeah. I do.”
“I think about him a lot, you know. All the time.”
Ellen laughed once. “I’m not sure he’d want you to. But I’m glad you do. As long as it’s not holding you back.”
That, I couldn’t respond to. Not now, at least. “I’ll look at my schedule if you send me the details. I’d love to make it. I just have to make sure I’m clear first.”
“Of course. Same email?”
I chuckled. “Same one.”
“I’ll send it right over. Sorry again for calling so late.”
“Not a problem. I’ll be in touch.”
“Goodnight, Jude.”
I ended the call and blew out a breath. Five years was a long time. Of course I wanted to go, but I wondered if going would send me spiraling backward. Or maybe it would provide me with the closure I was lacking.
Lena stirred when I reached the bedroom, rolling over to face me when I lay back down. “Everything okay?”
God, I was addicted to the sound of her voice. Sleepy, with a hint of rasp from screaming my name, her voice made the sexiest sounds in the world. “I don’t know. I think so.”
She blinked her eyes open and cuddled a bit closer. “Do you need to talk about it?”
One deep breath in, and one deep breath out. My natural instinct was to bury it. But with Lena, I couldn’t do that. As hard as it was, I wanted to hide nothing. “I told you about Isaac. My teammate who killed himself.”
“Yeah.”
“That was his widow, Ellen.”
Lena’s eyebrows rose. “Is she okay?”
“As well as she can be, I think. It’s the five-year anniversary, and she’s inviting people to go for a kind of memorial.”
“That could be nice.”
