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Sometimes, a person needs to lie.
To protect themselves and the people they love.
Sometimes a lie needs to be allowed to stand so the truth doesn’t bring everything crashing down.
But I can still lie to Diana. I just need to get a little more creative about it. “I am mad,” I confess. “The things that happened today don’t seem fair. And that makes me really mad.”
Diana’s eyes fill as she nods. “Me, too.”
I reach out, resting a hand on her damp hair. “Then we can be mad together. And then, someday, we’ll be happy together, too. I promise,” I say, though I don’t really believe it.
Happiness feels…impossible. I can still smell the metallic scent of blood drifting from the other bathroom, for fuck’s sake. And when I close my eyes, even for a second, all I see is Mom’s lifeless face.
Everything feels so dark.
So empty and hopeless.
“You want to come have a sleepover at my place?” I ask, suddenly needing out of this apartment. Now. “You can sleep in my big bed with me, and I’ll make you pancakes in the morning.”
Dee’s features lift. “Can I skip brushing my teeth? Like last time?”
I nod. “Yeah. And we can watch a movie in bed until you fall asleep.”
“101 Dalmatians! ’Cause I’m gonna be a Dalmatian when I grow up.”
I shake my head and huff, “You are not. You’re a wolf, kid, and you will always be a wolf.”
“No, I won’t,” she says, with a secret little grin. “I’m going to be a Dalmatian because they have the best white and black spots. You’ll see. You don’t know everything.”
I sigh. “That’s the truth. For sure.”
Her grin widens, but almost immediately falls away. “Can I bring Blanky and three stuffies? And Mama’s robe? I want to smell Mama when I wake up, Zim-zim. So I don’t miss her too much.”
And even though it just about kills me—even though I know Diana’s always going to miss her mama and I’m always going to miss my mama, and that the grief that’s settling over this family like toxic dust is going to change all of us forever—I nod. “Sure, Squirt. I’ll go get that while you put on your pajamas and pick out the toys you want to bring. I’ll leave a note for Dad, too.”
* * *
It isn’tuntil an hour later, after I’ve watched half the movie with Diana and my sister is sleeping hard, that I sneak out to the living room where my friends are playing video games—clicking the buttons softly, out of respect for the dead.
Aaron and the others look up at me with sad eyes as I announce, “I’m going for a run. If Diana wakes up, tell her I’ll be back soon, okay?”
“Sure, man,” Aaron says, his brow furrowing as he adds, “I’m so sorry, brother. Anything you need, we’re here for you.”
I nod, and force out a soft, “thank you.” Then I head out the door, down the elevator, and out onto the cool city streets.
And then I run.
I run and run and run, until I’m too exhausted and dehydrated to cry, even if I wanted to.
Which I don’t.
I have to be strong and levelheaded, centered enough to hold my family together while everyone else crumbles with grief. I have to hold my brother accountable and take care of my little sister and be a strong shoulder my father can lean on.
* * *
The next day,I cancel my trip to Europe.
The next, I start hitting the gym even harder than I did before, determined to be strong enough to take care of my family and my pack. I don’t consciously admit that I’m bulking up in preparation to challenge Bane for Alpha if I have no other choice, but the knowledge is always there, lingering at the back of my mind.
And then one day, Bane is suddenly…gone, and I’m heir to the throne.
And slowly, as the years pass, I forget that there was a time when I was afraid of what my brother might do to our people if he were allowed to take charge.
I forget…until Bane forces me to remember.
