Page 23 of Before We Were Famous

But I blew it. I ended up hurting us both and Nelly was right, I was careless with his heart.

It happened the next morning after our perfect night. Heath had gone to the gym in the village – a creature of habit. Lockwood came over to have a cup of tea with me and we opened the windows and doors and sat out on the small balcony, in the crisp morning air.

He wrapped his hands around the mug of tea. I caught up on all his news and the set gossip, and what he was planning to do next.

‘I can’t believe you and Nelly secured roles so soon – you both rock!’ he said.

I smiled and shook my head. ‘I can’t believe it either. It’s not supposed to be like this. We’re supposed to struggle and starve a bit first. Still …’ I hesitated, ‘one film does not make a career.’

Lockwood nodded. ‘My friend says you are only as good as yournextfilm.’

‘Mm, I’ll have to process that.’

‘So what’s up?’ he asked.

I turned to face him. ‘Nothing. Why?’

He raised his eyebrows at me. ‘You’re holding out. You’re talking to me now … we’ve spent hours in the car driving and talking, hours on set waiting in the wings, baring our souls, I know when you’re holding back … so what gives?’

I sighed. Was I that transparent?

‘Everything gives,’ I told him. ‘I feel like everything is happening at once.’

He frowned. ‘That’s good though isn’t it? Or is it something more? You seem troubled. You don’t have to tell me,’ he shrugged, ‘but if you are worried about something, I can help, or listen, or maybe both.’

‘Thank you, Lockwood,’ I said and smiled. ‘I just wish I were out of doors – a girl again, running around with nothing to worry about but what’s for dinner and where we are going to play next,’ I moaned.

And then I started and I couldn’t stop. I told him everything. I blurted it all out because it was such a weight off my shoulders to share. I told him about Edgar and the flirting, and how I wanted Heath but I wanted to experience some life, and I asked Lockwood did any of that even make sense.

Lockwood nodded. ‘I hear you. And the older we get the more complex relationships get because everyone comes with baggage and preconceived ideas of what they need and want,’ he said, waving his hand around theatrically. ‘But Cathy, you and Heath have something so amazing.’

‘Do we? Because it is all I’ve ever known and I have nothing to compare it with. I need to live a little, love a little, so I can appreciate what I have.’

‘I get that but most people spend years of their life looking for what you two have, and some people never find it, but you’ve got it right here. What if you begin with Edgar, lose Heath, and then realise you got it wrong and you’ve thrown away the best thing ever?’

I groaned and put my head in my hands.

‘I wish I had met Edgar first and Heath now, later in life, or that Heath had gone away for a few years for whatever reason and come back to me, and swept me up. God, I sound pathetic, like I’ve watched too many soapies.’

Lockwood shook his head. ‘No, I understand, I really do. I met a guy when I was eighteen and I knew it wouldn’t last at that age when you are sorting out who you are and what you want to do. But if we had met later, even now … at twenty-six, maybe we’d have a chance. I’ve learned a few tricks now and had my heart broken. I know what a good relationship is.’

‘Yes, exactly,’ I said, appreciating that he did understand.

We stopped to watch two birds soar over the trees in front of Wuthering Heights until they disappeared from view.

‘Does Heath have any idea about how you feel?’ Lockwood asked, ‘because I’m pretty sure he thinks you are in London for career reasons and that you’ll be engaged soon.’

I shook my head in the negative. ‘No, he doesn’t know, because I’m not sure myself.’

‘Wow,’ Lockwood said. ‘I’ve only known you guys for five or so years, but I can’t imagine you not being together. At college, no one said your name without Heath’s following or vice versa.’

I nodded, getting emotional. ‘I know. If what you say is true and I make a bad decision and Heath leaves, God, what would I do? I could as soon forget Heath as forget my own existence! I am Heath, he is me! Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.’

Lockwood’s hand went to his heart. ‘I live for that, I wish I could find that,’ he said. ‘Think you could fall in love with Edgar?’

I tilted my head to the side while I thought. ‘I could. But it would be different from my love for Heath, I think. It is too early to say but I’m guessing my feelings for Edgar would be like the seasons … you know, time changes them,’ I shrugged. ‘But my love for Heath, well it is solid as a rock … I need him.’

‘But you want Edgar.’

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