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I stepped into her path, everything in me wanting to deny her words. “Of course, we can. And of course, it matters. I’m not willing to walk away from this, Jessica. I’m not willing to walk away from you.”
“That isn’t your choice.”
“You don’t want to be with me?” It was like a slap in the face.
“That’s not what I said,” she whispered, the tears spilling over her cheeks.
“Then please, help me out here. Give me one good reason why we can’t be together.”
She scoffed. “You’re kidding me right now, right? You know as well as I do that we can’t be together when you’re about to marry another woman—you’re going to have a mate, Garrett.”
“I asked for a good reason. That’s not a good enough reason to stay away from you. Not anymore.” I stepped closer, reaching for her hands, my chest tight with fear at the idea of losing her. “Iwon’tstay away from you.”
“That isn’t your choice,” she repeated.
“Stop saying that. Just because I’ve agreed to choose a mate in the Contention doesn’t mean the rest of my life is bound to that decision. Reagan knows about us. She doesn’t care about us. As long as we don’t flaunt it, she’s fine with us continuing this. You know this, Jessica.”
“In secret.” Her voice was flat.
“For now,” I countered.
She shook her head. “Do you not understand that I don’t want to be your hidden mistress?”
“You aren’t hidden, Jess. Don’t act like you’re some dirty little secret, because that’s the furthest thing you are to me.”
“But I am! You can’t openly be with me if you have a mate. I won’t be with someone who’s married to another woman.”
I let go of her hands to cup her cheeks. “It won’t be forever. She doesn’t have to stay my wife, not for long anyway. But none of that matters to me, Jess. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be with you.”
“But only if we keep it a secret.” Her tone was bitter, and she pulled away from me once more. “You don’t get it, do you? Charming Garrett Kingsman, always used to getting what he wants when it comes to women.”
“You think this is what I want? This is the last thing I ever wanted. Butsomeonehad to go and turn my life upside down by suggesting I was used as a pawn to bring the alphas around.”
Jessica reached up and roughly brushed her tears away, glaring at me now. “You’re still blaming me? You could have said no. You could have stopped it earlier, but you chose to go with it for the sake of the packs. Okay, fine. I get it. But all of that is in the past now, and this is the hand we’ve been dealt. So here’s something you need to understand… the last thing I want is to be someone’s side chick. I’ve lived my entire life on the sidelines, never being good enough to take the lead. Never standing up for myself or making choices for myself. I’ve done everything everyone wants, been the perfect little girl, and followed the rules.” She shook her head furiously. “But I’m not that girl anymore. I won’t be second best when it comes to this, Garrett. I won’t be your mistress.”
I reeled back, stunned by the conviction in her voice. She meant it. She wasn’t willing to continue this once the Contention was over.
My voice shook as I asked, “Then you’re willing to be the one to walk away?”
“I deserve to be the first choice, Garrett.”
I stared at her for a long time, my heart aching. Was there nothing I could say to change her mind? Was this really how things were going to end for us?
“You are my first choice, Jess. But my life isn’t my own. Not anymore.”
She swallowed then stood up straight. “Then I guess this conversation is over.”
And with that, she walked out of my door as I stared after her, hardly able to believe what had just happened.
My first instinct was to go to Holden and tell him I was done with this. If I couldn’t be with Jessica, was finishing the Contention worth it? I certainly didn’t want to throw away the only woman I’d ever loved in favor of a political arrangement.
But then the rational side of my brain kicked in. Was I really willing to throw away all of my and Holden’s plans and dreams for what the North American packs could become under our leadership? I’d devoted my entire life to this pack, to Holden. Being the North American beta was all I’d ever cared about.
But I’d never imagined having to choose between my duty and my heart. They’d always been one and the same. Until Jessica.
More conflicted than I’d ever been, I left my room and headed down to the gym. Maybe I could burn off some of this pain, confusion, and heartache. Maybe then I could think more clearly.
I spent over an hour lifting weights and pushing my body past the point of exhaustion. Spent, I lay back on the weight bench and stared at the ceiling.
