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“For what it is worth, I think you made the wrong decision tonight, Carter.” Benji doesn’t let up, and I stop punching to glare at him. My chest heaves rapidly as I try to catch my breath.
“I made the only decision there was to make.”
“I’ve seen you two together. I know you like her. It’s just, you think you don’t deserve her. I get it. The life we had growing up, the life you have now, none of it is something that she could ever imagine. But she doesn’t care about that, Carter. She likes you, regardless. That much is obvious to anyone.”
“Goddamnit. Fuck. Off.” I don’t need to feel remorse. I don’t want to feel the pain. I need to fight, punch, throttle this bag until my body is so weary, I can easily fall asleep tonight. If not, then Cat is going to be running through my mind until the sun comes up. I have known her for only a few weeks, and she has already taken over every spare thought.
She makes me crazy. She makes me weak. And I cannot be weak.
“You think you don’t deserve a good woman. You think you can’t get close to anyone because of what happened to your mom. But Doc is keen for you, man. I can see it!” His voice raises, trying to get through to me, and that’s just pissing me off even more.
“What can I give her?!” I roar my feelings out to the empty room, thankful the music is blaring next door so the other patrons are oblivious. “What the fuck can I offer her, Benji?” I run my hands down my face in exasperation, noticing my bloody knuckles.
“I fucked her. I fucked her on the fucking floor. I am an animal! I fucking took what I wanted, and then ran away from her like a fucking pussy.” I start to pace, my hands running through my hair and tugging at the roots. I’m completely losing my shit, not able to rein it in even if I tried. Benji just stands there, staring, knowing it’s best if he keeps his distance.
“I am in the fucking mafia… I kill people for a fucking living, and she saves people. She has a daughter, Benji, a little girl! I know the dangers of being with a man like me. She doesn’t deserve that.” I’m screaming at this point, my chest heaving.
“She is fucking the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and I just treated her like she was disposable. I fucking hate myself for it.”
All the fight has all but left me, and when I look up at my friend again, I see such a pitiful expression on his face for me that I groan.
Slumping on the floor, I hang my head in shame, feeling like the piece of shit I am.
“Have you told her what you do? Sure, she knows a little about what goes on, no doubt, and she was still here with you, spending time with you. Sounds like you need to tell her. Talk to her. Let her make the decision, and stop trying to make it for her,” Benji states, before turning and walking out the door, closing it behind him. I sigh out my frustration.
I feel my cell vibrate and pull it from my pocket and see Sebastian’s name on the screen.
“Yeah.” My greeting is lackluster, at best.
“What’s up your ass?” Sebastian asks with a bite.
“Nothing. What’s happening?” I adjust my tone, needing to get my head back into the game.
“I need you back here earlier tomorrow. We have a meeting at 10am. We have some heavy shit to get through, so be prepared.” I rub my eyes at the thought, already tired.
“No problem. I will be there.”
“Good. Preferably in a better mood too.” Sebastian says before he ends the call, and I throw my cell across the mats.
Thank God I am going back to New York tomorrow.
I can forget about all of this and move the fuck on.
All I need is some work to distract me, the kind that’ll get my hands dirty and reaffirm that I did the right thing tonight. As much as it fucking guts me.
20
Catherine
Tears pour down my face as I sit with Maggie in her living room. We put the girls to bed half an hour ago, and Maggie firmly requested I spend the night, clearly seeing that I was upset.
I told her everything. I told her about Daniel’s visit and Carter standing up to him. I told her about the moment Carter and I had in his medical room days ago, and then I told her about tonight. About what we did. About what he did.
My heart hurts, and I am exhausted. I stepped into his advances and got trodden on and thrown to the curb. The fact that he couldn’t even look me in the eye is what’s making me feel sick. My confidence has already been beaten down over the years, and now it’s at an all-time low. Meeting someone like him, who I thought was different, who I was open to giving a chance to, and this is how I’m left feeling…
I want to dig a hole and hide away from him, from the world.
“You know, it is all probably for the best. There is no doubt you guys had sparks… any fool could see that. But he is right, Cat, you are both worlds apart, living two totally different lives. Maybe you need to sort out yours before you get involved with anyone else—even if it was the best sex you have ever had in your entire life,” Maggie says, a small grin growing on her face, and I roll my eyes.
