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Humiliation melts me from the inside out, as my hands tremble to force my shorts down to my ankles. I focus on the wall in front of me, sniffling back tears while I wait for what comes next, because there was no way Mom is gonna suffer for me a second time tonight.
“Sit,” Father pats his hand on his desk surface. “If you’re telling me the truth this is going to be uncomfortable for you.” The sound of concern in his voice makes me retch, and I decide the only way I’m gonna get through this is if I blank everything out. I sit down where I’m told and my knees protest against his hand when he uses it to try to pry them apart. The warning look he gives me makes me think of Mom and how she’s already had to suffer, and I slowly ease the tension in my muscles allowing him to spread my legs, while resisting the urge to kick him in his ugly face.
His cold fingers touch at my thigh before they taint everywhere Nyx’s tongue had given me pleasure earlier. He prods and pokes further, sharp stabs of pain stinging me inside and making my mind scream so loud I want to crawl out of my body.
I blank out the sounds of my painful whimpers and his grunts, and turn my head to the side to focus on the huge acrylic painting of the scales of justice that hangs on his wall. I stare at it until it becomes blurry through my tears, tears that fill up my eyes and drip onto his desk. He takes his time, choosing to be thorough with his examination and I can feel myself shattering piece by piece.
I’m dry and sore against his fingers. And want to rip the heart out of my own chest just to make this horror be over. When he’s finally satisfied that I’m telling the truth he pullshis fingers from inside me, and wipes them on my T-shirt.
“Seems you were telling me the truth after all.” There’s a hint of relief in his voice that makes me shudder. “But how do you explain these bruises on your thighs, Ella.” He picks up his tumbler and takes a swig of its contents.
“Gymnastics…” I blurt out, thinking fast. “Me and Abby have been practicing extra during break. We’ve been doing lifts.” The voice speaking the lie back at him sounds like it belongs to someone else. I’m still an empty shell.
“You can call her and check if you need to,” I add, needing to sell my story better.
“No need, precious. You’ve earned some of my trust back. We can work on the rest another time.” The hand he strokes over my cheek is steady as a rock and I freeze under his touch.
“You’re still my pure little princess,” he whispers. I realize it’s the most affection he’s ever shown me in my life and it makes bile burn the back of my throat like acid. “Bedtime now.” He moves out of my way and I quickly slide off his desk and pull my shorts back into place.
“Ella…” that warning tone returns to his voice again and I look up at him. “If that boy or anyone else thinks that they can break what’s mine. I assure you, I will make sure it’s the last thing they ever do.”
My head screams at me to launch at him, to find that paperweight I’ve hidden from him countless times and use it to smash his skull to a pulp. But I’m weak, I feel like my body’s been destroyed. I can still feel his fingers scraping inside me.
My own father. How will I ever get over this?
I nod my head solemnly before walking out of his office. I can’t find the energy to run up the stairs like I want to, and when I eventually reach my room and lock my door, I dash straight to my ensuite. Lifting the toilet seat, I manage to gather up my hair just before the contents of my stomach come hurtling up.
I retch and I sob, gagging until my throat feels like it’s bleeding raw. Then I turn on the bath, making sure the water is near scalding andhope it will burn any trace of him from my skin. I don’t know how long I lay there staring at the white tiles but when I eventually force myself to get out of the water, just a look at my reflection causes me to throw up into the basin again.
I wrap the towel tight around me, and switch off my light, making sure my balcony doors are open before I get into bed.I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear the familiar sound of the leaves rustling and then see him appear on my balcony. He must think I’ve gone to sleep because he’s about to shut my doors and leave. So I sit up, grateful that it’s dark and he can’t see how puffy and swollen my eyes are.
“Nyx,” I say his name so softly I don’t know if he’ll even hear it.
“Ell, what have I told you about keepin’ these damn things shut.” I hear the frustration in his whisper back at me, and it takes me out of my misery for just a moment when I think about what he told me earlier.
Nyx likes to know I’m safe. He cares about me in a way I've never experienced from anyone.
“You don’t know who’s out here,” he adds and I even manage a snigger at the irony in that statement, he doesn’t know it, but he’s shutting me in here with the biggest monster of them all.
“Nyx, can you come and lie with me, just for a little while?” I ask, hoping he’ll agree. I need to feel something again. I want so much for it to be him. He doesn’t reply for twenty long, drawn-out seconds, andjust when I think he’s gonna say no he steps inside and looms over my bed.Cool air hits my back as he lifts up my covers, he replaces the heat when he slides in behind me and pulls me tight to his chest. His heart beats soundly against my back, steady and grounded. I feel safe again, just like I knew I would, and never want him to leave.
“You ok, darlin’, was your dad angry?” he keeps his voice low but the concern in it.
“It wasn’t so bad,” I tell the biggest lie of my entire life because as much as my father scares me, what I suspect Nyx is capable of scares even me more. Something tells me he could crush a man like my father in the palm of his hand, and I won’t lose him for that.
“Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?” I ask, a helpless plea in my tone that I hope he doesn’t pick up on.
“Sure.” He places a kiss on my temple like what I’ve asked of him is the simplest thing in the world. But to me, him being here means everything. He must have been waiting out there for me for hours and he’s still prepared to stay for as long as I need him.
And God I need him right now.
He holds me tight against him, his lips and nose buried into my hair while his fingers draw shapes under the towel on the outside of my thigh. It soothes me, I want him to touch me everywhere, to wipe away all traces of my disgusting father’s hands ever touching me. But I’m too sore, mentally and physically, I recall the discomfort of the whole ugly process and it causes more tears to soak into my pillow. I just hope Nyx doesn’t notice them.
“Nyx, will you promise me something?” I whisper, trying to hide the tremble in my voice.
“If I can give it to you, I will,” he replies softly and everything inside me trusts that he means it.
“Promise me, that it will be you.” I turn in his arms and look up into his eyes. They’re open wide, staring right back at me. His thumb swipes away a tear that’s fallen beneath my lashes so gently that it makes my heart ache. “I want my first time to be with you. Promise me, it will be you.” I cling to his chest, needing to hear him say the words. If I’m gonna come out the other side of this horror, he’s gonna be my reason. I want to belong to Nyx Anderson. A part of me feels like I already do.
