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“How have you managed this all by yourself?” He shakes his head in disbelief, His hand moving so gently to cradle the back of our baby’s head.
“I found out I was pregnant about a month after you got arrested. I was so scared, especially with everything that was going on at home with my father.” I ignore his puzzled look and continue. “I thought about my options. I even drove all the way to Denver to a clinic, but when I got there I couldn’t even get out of the car to go inside.” I clutch the bundle in my arms a little tighter.
“So, I decided I had to keep him. Figured I had a few months to get my shit together before it would be a problem. I was gonna make a new life for us both, get out of town and start somewhere new, just me and him.”
“Shit, you shouldn’t have had to go through all that, Ell.” He shakes his head, angry at himself.
“I don’t regret it, Nyx, now he’s here and I’ve got him in my arms. I could never give him up.”
“Hey, hey.” Nyx wraps his strong arm around me and tucks me into his chest. “I may have only just found out about this, but I’m glad you did what you did. How could I not be?”
“Babies change lives, Nyx, we’re both too young. When I decided to keep him, I took that responsibility on myself. I don’t expect you to do the same.” I want to be with Nyx more than anything in the world, but not by trapping him. I’m convinced that’s what Mom did to my father and I refuse to repeat history, not after growing up and seeing what it does to a family.
“You ain’t got a choice,” Nyx tells me. “I love you, Ella, and there is so much that needs explaining to you. But as of right now, you guys are the only thing that matters to me. I’m not going anywhere, and I know I haven’t given you many reasons to trust me on that, but you have to believe me.”
“I believe you,” I assure him, because, call me naïve and stupid but how can I doubt him when he’s looking at me and our son with so much love in his eyes.
The baby starts to wriggle in my arms, his tiny little whimper quickly turning into a full-blown cry. Nyx pulls back, eyes wide and panicked as he stares down at him.
“He’s probably just hungry,” I try to reassure him.
“We ain’t got the shit around here for babies.” He stands on his feet, looking helpless again.
“Relax, I think I got it,” I tell him. “Here, take him a sec.” Nyx looks scared as hell as he reaches down and slides his hand under our little boy’s head carefully and slightly trembling he scoops him up and on to his chest.
“I got him,” he nods at me reassuringly, with a sweet grin on his handsome face that melts my heart.
I pull up my top and unhook my bra, then hold out my hands to take him back.
Nyx carefully places him in the crook of my arm, and we watch his tiny little mouth rook until it finds what he’s looking for. It takes a while for him to latch on properly but he soon stops crying.
“See, problem solved.” I wince at the weird sensation of him sucking.
“You’re fucking incredible, you know that?” Nyx shakes his head and watches with deep concentration.
“I watched a lot of YouTube tutorials. I actually thought it was gonna be a lot harder,” I confess.
Nyx pulls off his hoodie and covers us up with it. And despite all the trauma of tonight it makes me relax being close to him again.
“You must be shattered,” Nyx says after the baby’s finished feeding and has fallen back to sleep. He’s right, despite my blood still pumping full of adrenaline, the overwhelming mixture of emotions and all the questions I have swirling in my head are exhausting. I can feel my eyes getting heavier.
“Let’s get you to bed,” he says, taking our sleeping boy out of my arms and pulling him up onto his bare chest.
“You need a hand getting up?” he asks, andI shake my head, using the armrests to pull me onto my feet. Nyx somehow manages to hold the baby in one of his arms and wraps the other around my waist, aiding me on the small journey to his room.
There’s a double bed, and a chair set in the corner that’s covered with clothes. I get straight into bed, taking comfort in the sheets that smell just like him as I sink into them and he places our baby down on a pillow beside me.
“We haven’t got anything for him to sleep in,” I say, suddenly realizing how unprepared I’ve been through all this.
“I’ll watch him while you sleep,” he assures me, laying down on the bed behind me, sliding his arm under my shoulders while his other wraps over us both protectively. “Just close your eyes, everything’s over now. I got you both.” I feel my eyes starting to droop and let myself fall to sleep, for the first time in months feeling content.
I hear a tiny knock on the door and feel Nyx slide away from me. Still, I keep my eyes shut, I’m not ready to wake up.
“Are they okay?” I hear the female voice whisper.
“They’re fine, thanks Mads,” Nyx whispers back.
“I googled the essentials you’ll need and sent Jessie out. It’s all on the table,” she keeps her voice low.
