AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Brax loosens his grip on me, and we both stand for a moment in disbelief.
Prez is giving me the man who took his daughter, a man who has been making his life hell for more years than I’ve been alive.
“You sure?” I check, my hands already trembling to get the job done. A simple nod is all I get in response, and it looks like even Brax’s black heart is a little moved by Prez’s unselfish actions.
So I step forward, and take full fucking pleasure in the fear that’s in Clunk’s eyes.
Turns out, Brax was right, the hook tear took his life before blood loss did. Helped along a little by me tugging on the fucker’s ankles. We leave Clunk’s body hanging in the warehouse. Grimm will deal with that mess after he’s done hanging lanterns and making the barn look fit for a weddin’.
When we get back to the Club, I stop outside the clubhouse to drop off Brax and Prez.
“What that cunt said about Maddy being his…” I can’t even finish the sentence.
“Forget it, Jess, he was tryin’ to rile ya,” Brax pipes up.
“Maddy hears nothing of it,” I warn them both. “True or not, the three of us take that to the grave.”
They both nod back at me in agreement, and I leave them with my trust as I park the cage.
I’m desperate to see Maddy, for her to hold me in her arms and make me feel calm again. To be reminded that despite my capabilities, I can still be loved unconditionally. But I need to go see someone else first. Someone I’ve been avoiding, and now finally feel like I have the strength to face.
The graveyard is silent when I turn off my bike engine, there ain’t no one around and yet I feel like I have an audience as I make my way toward where Hayley rests.
We’d come here together when I used to drive her out to visit her mom. I was never one for mourning so I usually sat on the bench and waited for her to be done. She’d pick out the weeds and chat away to herself like she was having an actual conversation with Mary-Ann. I never got how she did it, pretending someone was still there when they weren’t.
The gravestone bears two names now, Mary-Ann Carson and Hayley Carson. Mother, and daughter. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what I’ve come for. I just know that I’ve missed her. That I’d give anything to have another pointless conversation with her, and tell her about what was going on at the club.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you, Hay.” I crouch down and speak to the stone. It doesn’t seem as pathetic as I thought it would when I imagine her pissed-off face glaring back at me expecting an explanation. “The club’s been crazy busy…” The space between my eyes stings, and the lump in my throat grows thicker. “Truth is, I haven’t been able to face ya,” I admit, my voice coming out hoarse. “Like, maybe if I didn’t come see ya here, you might just rock up someday and shout, Surprise!” When I realize how stupid that sounds, I imagine her rolling her eyes at me.
“I guess what I really came here to tell ya, is that I’m sorry.
I read your letters, it took me some time but I read them all, and I feel so fuckin’ special that you had those feelings for me, Hay.
I didn’t know how to take it at first, but I’ve thought on it hard, and what me and you had… It was so much more than love. You got me through losing my parents. You got me through losing your mom. You loved me for who I am, and for all the years I had you in my life, you gave me a purpose. Then after all that, you gave me Maddy. And I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that, Hay, ‘cause she’s been the one that’s got me through losing you.” My voice breaks and I try to swallow so I can finish what I need her to hear.
“No one has ever done anything like that for me, and it kills me every day that I’ll never get to repay you for it.
I ain’t ever gonna get over losing you. Not even killing Clunk has made that pain go away. But I want to be good enough, Hay.” I feel a tear slip down my cheek and quickly rub it away.
“I wanna take the opportunities you’ve given me with Maddy and make you so fuckin’ proud. But I don’t know how to do that without you to tell me when I fuck up. I try and ask myself what you’d do when I’m unsure, but it ain’t the same… It’ll never be the same without you here.” I wipe more tears away and scrub my face, trying to gain more composure.
“I may not have loved you in the same way as you loved me, but don’t be thinking that I didn’t love you in my own way, Hay. I loved you enough to have taken your place, and I love you enough to be still hurting like I only lost you yesterday.
I got to get back to the club, but I promise to come see you again… both of you.” I lean closer to the headstone, touching my fingers over the bumpy letters naming the woman who had taken me in as her own when I was twelve. “Take care of my girl, Mary-Ann.”
Bringing my fingers to my lips, I feel the shake in them as I kiss them and press them over Hayley's name.
“I ain’t ever gonna be ready to say goodbye to you, pretty girl,” I whisper, standing back up and making my way toward my bike. I sense something behind me and stop to turn around, feeling stupid for expecting her to be there, waving me goodbye like she always did when I used to leave the lodge.
It’s just a gust of wind on a still day. But I smile back at her anyway.
“And tomorrow, Ella’s gonna let me take care of Dylan while Prez takes her and Maddy to her final dress fitting in town,” Gracie explains excitedly, as she sits on the couch beside me and snuggles her body into mine. I've been listening to her tell me about her day since I got out the shower. And strangely, I don’t find it irritating. Actually, it makes me feel kinda good. I’d been thinking about her, and what she’d be doing while I’d been gone. I was thinking about her while I slit Donald Ashby’s throat and watched Satan steal his soul. In fact, I can’t the girl out of my head.
Ashby was the second person on the list that Gracie's mom and her partner had put together. And while I sit here on my couch listening to CIA agent Helen Scott’s daughter chatter about her day, her enthusiastic smile putting a warmth in my chest, I wonder what the woman would think if she knew a man like me was so close to her daughter.
“Brax, are you even listening to me?” Gracie laughs, her hand resting on my chest and her body nestling closer to mine.
“I’m listening,” I tell her, focusing solely on her now, the way her eyes have lit up over the past week and her smile being so permanent makes me believe for a moment that she could be happy here.
