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“Brax!” Nyx calls after me, but I carry on walking, acting like I can’t hear him. “Brax!” he calls out again, gravel crunching beneath his boots as he stomps behind me. When he catches up, I’m already on my bike. Revving the throttle to drown out the sound of his voice. He looks frustrated as hell, especially when I skid off and head back up to my cabin. I park my bike, and storm inside slamming the door behind me.
The place is empty when I step inside and I find a note on the table that reads…
Gone to Ella’s, be back soon.
I can’t help being relieved. I don’t feel much like being around anyone right now, I just hope Nyx ain’t stupid enough to try and follow me, wound up like this… I’m better off alone. But it doesn’t seem like I have that option when my door flies open and Nyx barges in looking savage.
“You wanna tell me what all that shit was about?” He steps up to me, heat raging from him. I haven’t seen him this angry since he found out I was the reason he got sent away from Ella.
“What shit you talkin’ bout, Nyx?” I play it down best I can, even though I know it’s far too late to be pulling that crap.
“You know what I’m talking about. You, going against Prez’s orders, wanting to go on the whole Chop rampage again… Jesus, Brax. You think there’s not a fucker in this club that doesn’t want to see him put under for what he did? But you… you’re fucking relentless.” Nyx’s head shakes like he’s disappointed in me before he scrubs a hand over his face in frustration.
“Look, I know what you need. I even kinda get it. But this one ain’t yours to see through. When we find Chop, he’s Skid’s. So why are you so fucking hell bent on getting to him, especially when you got bigger things to be worrying about right now?”
“Bigger things, like what?” I choke out an obnoxious laugh. The kid doesn’t have a clue how much hatred I have for Chop, and if he knew my reasons, I guarantee he’d want it just as much as I do.
“How about your family, Brax? Me, your nephew. Hell, even Ella wants you to be part of her life. Fuck knows why, the way you treat people.”
I can see whatever it is I've done has pushed him too far, he can’t stand still, pacing in front of me like a caged wolf.
“You kept who you were from me for years. You damn near cost me the girl I love, not to mention my kid. And you know what will happen if you get to Chop and do what’s Skid’s to be done. No brother will vote you in. Is that what you want? To tear this family apart before it’s even had the chance to get started?” The way he’s looking at me is evidence that Nyx doesn’t understand. He’s hurting, and yeah, I’ve let him down. But all that shit’s his own fault for setting his standards so high when it came to me.
I’m too selfish to be part of a family, even one as fucked up as ours.
“You know what, it’s your fuckin’ funeral, Brax. I’ve tried, I was even starting to forgive you for that shit you pulled with Ella. But how can I let you in to something if you don’t want to be fuckin’ part of it?” Nyx storms for the door to see himself out. And all of a sudden, I don’t want him to leave.
“You were too young to remember her,” I speak as calmly as I can manage, and my brother freezes before he opens the door.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He turns around. And I notice how tired he looks, tired of my shit.
I dig my hand into the inside pocket of my cut and take out my wallet, then I lay the only picture I have of our mama down on the table. I sit down and wait for his reaction.
Nyx steps forward, lifting the picture up and studying it hard. Mama’s holding him on her lap, while her other arm is wrapped around me. I remember Grammy taking the picture sometime before the two of them fell out.
“This is exactly the kind of shit I mean.” Nyx looks hurt and mad all at the same time. “You’ve had this photo all this time, and you’ve never thought to show it me. Did it ever occur to you that I might want to see this?” Anguish spreads in his eyes as he lifts them off the photo and on to me. “You’re right… I don’t fucking remember her, Brax, and I kind of hate you a little because you do. What you forget while you’re wallowing in self pity, is that you have memories, you got shit like this, and I got nothin’.”
“That’s not true.” I light up a cigarette, tossing my lighter at the table before taking a long drag.
“You’re just fucking like her, Nyx. I see the way you are with your kid. How you’d give up anything just to get a fuckin’ smile outta him. Your world revolves around your girl and that little boy. Everything you do, you do for them. And that love keeps you working hard, it gives you a purpose, just like it did with her.” My voice is coming out scratchy and I can’t hide the emotion in it.
“You wanna know what gives me purpose, Nyx?”
My brother nods his head, clearly fucking curious to get a glimpse inside my head.
“Hate. Vengeance and pain, that’s what keeps me moving forward, it feeds my strength and keeps the blood pumping into my veins. It’s the core of my existence. I don’t know who I am without it, because I’ve forgotten how it feels not to be angry at the world.”
If he wants this brother bonding crap, he’s welcome to it, but it’s bitter and fucking ugly. Nyx doesn’t answer my question and I hate that he looks as though he feels sorry for me.
“Our mama did what she could for us…” I start to explain, I figure it’s time he heard the truth.
“My dad walked out on her when I was three, and I’ll be straight. I don’t think she even knew who your dad was. But she took care of us best she could. Alone.” I can feel the wrath building with every word I speak, the weight of anger getting heavier. And it almost always leads to destruction.
“She gave up everything for us, Nyx. Even her self-fucking-respect.” Nyx looks back at me like he doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to.
“Our Mom was a fucking hooker, bro,” I spell it out for him. “She sold herself to put food in our bellies and a roof over our heads.” My brother’s face turns from confused to stunned, but I still carry on. I've held all this back from him for far too long.
“And he took her from us. Right in front of me while you cried in your fucking cradle. He took her.” The words force their way out of my tense jaw, angry tears welling in my eyes as my fists shake with frustration.
