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I get out of the car and pull my bag onto my shoulder. It’s only a short walk to my hut, and I refuse Brax when he offers to take it for me. I feel the eyes of everyone on me, they look sad for me and I wonder how much my uncle has told them. I manage to hold back all the tears I want to unleash as I take another step forward. My satchel slips from my shoulders and I yelp when my body naturally jerks to catch it.
“I got it.” The deep voice comes from behind me, and when I turn my head, Tawk’s already got my bag in his hands. His arm slips around my waist and I lean my weight on him and let him help me.
“I’ll take care of her,” he tells Brax coldly when he tries to take over.
“It's fine,” I tell Brax when he growls at Tawk.
“Let's get you home,” Tawk whispers in the softest tone I’ve ever heard from him, as he slowly aids me to my door.
He helps me inside and I slip straight into my bed, pulling the covers up over me, despite it being a warm summer's day. I like the comfort of layers these days. Tawk doesn’t appear to be going anywhere, he’s standing over me, staring, and it’s awkward, really, really awkward.
“Dyanni is over at Tayen’s. They’ve been making your favorite meal for you to come home to. We weren’t expecting you back till later,” he tells me.
“Thanks,” I smile up at him, willing for him to leave. I’m just waiting for him to mention something about Troj, and as much as the thought of him causes pain in my heart, I don’t want to hear Tawk be mean about him.
“I should get back to helping your uncle. Do you need anything before I go?”
“I just need to rest,” I assure him and he nods before he starts walking out my door. Something stops him halfway across the room and he suddenly turns back to face me.
“It wouldn’t bother me. What happened to you. I’ll always want you, Shaniya,” he blurts the words out like he’s been holding them back forever. “I’ll take care of you, I’ll love you.” There’s so much pain and emotion in his eyes as he comes back toward me. Lowering to his knees he takes my cheek in his palm, and I can’t stop my tear from spilling between his fingers.
“Let me take care of you. You don’t have to love me back. Just let me try and make you happy.”
It would be so easy to say yes. To plan a new future. But I don’t love Tawk. I never will, and he deserves so much better than that.
“We both know that wouldn’t be fair, especially not on you.” I place my hand over his. “Tawk, you're a beautiful spirit, you deserve to be with someone who loves you with every piece of their heart.” I turn my head and place a tiny kiss against his palm, hating the disappointment I see in his eyes before he closes them.
He stands back up and gives me a nod, and this time he really does leave.
I roll over onto my side and close my eyes, trying to get some sleep before Dyanni and Tayen force me to eat something.
“Remember me?” I see his mask and hear his voice. It happens to me every time I close my eyes, and my body breaks out in a cold sweat. I’m consumed with agony, the type that burns in your chest, and rots away at any good memories you ever held on to. I wonder if these will be the only memories I have now. If the nightmares will haunt me forever.
Would they still come if I had Troj beside me, holding me tight in his arms and promising me everything would be okay?
I shake that feeling away. I don’t have Troj anymore. Just like Rogue says, I have to find a way to chase away my nightmares myself.
Tayen and Dyanni arrive not long after Tawk leaves. Both of them clucking around me, watching their words and fussing. They check I’m comfortable and try to talk about normal things, all in an attempt to avoid talking about what actually happened to me.
I try to remember the last time the three of us were together like this, talking about things that don’t really matter. Tayen stays for an hour before she has to get back to the children, and when me and Dyanni are alone, she gets into my bed with me and hugs me close. She doesn’t say any words, just strokes my hair and sings me the song my mom used to sing if I woke up in the night and couldn’t get back to sleep.
The nightmares soon catch up with me. And it doesn't take long for Dyanni’s soft strokes over my hair to turn harsher, and more sinister. For the sheets to be ripped from me and the cold bite of air to prickle my skin.
I feel their hands on me, clawing at my skin, groaning and grunting their pleasure as they destroy me a little more. And then I see him, the savior who pushes through the crowd and lifts me onto his body, holding me close and making me feel safe again.
He feels my pain with me, and it splits my heart right down the middle that he doesn’t want me now. Especially when it feels like he’s the only person who could put me back together again.
I’m going to have to figure out a way to take that control back. And as scary as the thought of leaving everything I’ve ever known behind feels, I know I’ll never heal here without him.
I know if I don’t do this now I never will, and I may be at my weakest, but now’s the time to get strong.
I move carefully to get out of bed without disturbing Dyanni. If she knew what I was doing she’d only try to stop me.
Quietly, I put some clothes into my bag, and kiss my friend on her cheek, then I head out into the night to find the one person I know will help me.
I know everyone around here’s judging me, I’m coming across cold, because that's exactly how I feel. I’m dead inside, numb, but I’d rather be numb than face up to what I’ve caused. It’s so much easier to revel in hatred and be blindsided by revenge.
If I do that, I can turn off the feelings that make me want to tear my heart out of my chest.
