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“You know I ain’t talkin’ about Abby. I’m talking about your girl.” I feel his eyes burning into the side of my face, but I refuse to turn and look at him.
“Well, she ain’t my girl no more. Don’t think she ever was.” I flick my smoke across the yard and push myself off the wall. I’m done with this conversation. It’s time to numb the pain with some liquor.
The first thing I see as I step inside is Nyx and his family. He’s got his boy balanced on his hip and his little girl in his arms. While Ella fusses and wipes what I hope is chocolate from Dylan’s mouth. A couple of months ago, I’d have called Nyx a fucking pussy, or something equally as offensive. I’d have felt sorry for him being tied down to all that bullshit. But today, as I step past him and head to the bar, all I can feel is fuckin’ envy. I wonder if the kid knows he’s got it all.
A heavy feeling builds inside my chest when I let myself wonder if the kid that me and Alex made would have been a boy or a girl. I’ve got used to it. It happens all the time when I imagine how different things would have been if she loved me enough to stay and all this here was good enough for her.
If I was enough…
“Hey, baby.” I get stopped by Krystal before I can get to the bar, but she hands me a shot from the tray she’s carrying, so she’s forgiven.
“You’re looking kinda sad.” She tilts her head to the side and gives that wounded puppy look that I’m figuring is supposed to be cute.
“It’s a funeral, ain’t it,” I point out, making her long fake lashes bat as she blushes.
“I’m good,” I assure her before knocking back the tequila and welcoming the burn.
“I’ll bet I could make you even better,” she suggests, letting her finger slide over my chest and down to my waistband. I snatch at her wrist before she makes it to my belt.
“I said I’m good,” I snarl, forcing her away and making up the rest of the distance to the bar. I hold a hand up to the girl working it and slide both my hands through my hair while I wait.
Rogue is looking hot ass good in the short, black lace dress she’s wearing when she comes to stand beside me.
“You’re not your normal irritating self. When was the last time you got fucked?”
“That ain’t your business, Rogue.” I turn my back on her and take the shot that the bar bitch places in front of me.
“Come to think about it, you haven’t got your ass laid since your cop girl left town.” Placing herself up on a stool, she looks like she’s taking pleasure in my agony.
“Like I told ya, ain’t ya business. Now run on back to your gravedigging boyfriend and leave me alone.” I wave her away with two fingers.
“You’re in love with her.” A smile spreads across Rogue’s mouth as if she’s just had some kind of epiphany. “The Dirty Souls most notorious bachelor got his heart all cut up and twisted by a female,” she taunts, and I swallow the bitter taste of truth down with another shot of tequila before slamming the glass on the bar.
“If you’re implying that I gave a shit, I ain’t gonna plead the fifth. I’m guilty. Lock me up and throw away the fuckin’ key. But love…” I touch my forehead to Rogue’s temple. “Don’t kid yourself that I’m capable of that,” I whisper before walking away.
“If you were any kinda man, you’d go get her back,” Rogue shouts after me, and it seems as if the whole room heard her when all the chattering stops and eyes fall on me. I stop in my tracks, but only for a few seconds before I leave. Ignoring her and the rest of the damn room.
Outside, I pull out my cell and scroll through to her number, the same number I find myself staring at for hours these days. I’ve even memorized it. I really should call. I want to call. But what could I say? Taking into account that today’s Abby’s funeral, I could call her up and tell her how it went. Ask her how she is. But I’m fucking scared of the rejection. I’m scared of her not picking up, or worse if she did.
“You know they say a watched phone never calls.” Maddy is the next person to offer me their version of a pep talk. This is why I haven’t been hanging out down here all that much since Alex left. I don’t want a pity party.
“I did the right thing,” is the only comeback I got for her today.
“You mean letting her go?” Maddy plays dumb as she sits herself up on one of the bench tables.
“Yeah, her career meant a lot to her. She could never have stayed in this town.”
“Don’t stop you wondering what would have happened if she had though, huh?” Mads flicks her eyes over to Jessie’s bike, where he’s got Dylan balanced on the seat and is making pretend engine noises.
“I ain’t cut out to be a father.” Shaking my head, I kick up the dirt under my boot.
“Bet Nyx would have said the same thing three years ago. Things change, Squealer, people change.”
“You telling me I should fight for her too?” I question, “I’ll never understand you women, don’t you see that I’m trying for once in my life not to be selfish? Alex needed to get out of town, and I let her go.”
“It’s funny,” Maddy takes her dreamy eyes off Jessie and holds them on to me. “I spent a lot of time with Alex. I never got the impression her career was that important to her. She knew what she was risking delving into Hawker. She knew what she was doing when she went to that warehouse. Her family was more important to her than her career. That’s how I saw it anyway.” Maddy shrugs and stands back on her feet.
“It’s a shame. If she stuck around, we could have worked well together.”
