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“Not that, that’s club bullshit, Maddy. I’m talking about us. I wanna know why you don’t want to have a kid with me.” Her tear-filled eyes blink, and she stands silent while I wait for her answer.
“And don’t lie to me. It’s time to start being honest. You want kids, Maddy. I see the way you are with Dylan and Sofia.”
“Now’s not the time to talk about this, Jessie, you’re too mad and upset.” She shakes her head at me, proving that she knows her answer will destroy me.
I already feel like I’ve been steamrolled, she might as well back up and fuckin’ reverse.
“Now’s exactly the time to talk about it. I’m done with pussy footing around it. I want a straight-up fucking answer. Even if it fucking hurts.”
“Jessie.” She continues to shake her head at me. I’m right, and she knows it. We both know the reason why, we’re just too scared to say it out loud. Maddy does nothing half-hearted, she’d want the best for her kids, and she knows me and this club, ain't it.
“Guess that answers my question.” I throw the duffel bag over my shoulder and head for the door, picking up the keys to my bike on the way out.
“Where are you going?” she calls out after me, but I ignore her, opening the door and letting the cold air sweep in.
“I’m too scared… Okay?” Her words stop my feet from moving forward and make me turn back around. She looks broken, and despite all the hurt she’s putting inside me, I hate that I’m the cause of it.
“Scared of what?” I search her face for a better explanation and get nothing.
“You don’t think I’d take care of you? Maddy, I’m fuckin’ confused here.”
“I’m scared of losing you!” she shouts out, her bottom lip wobbling before, and she sobs into her hands. It don't matter that my heart's pumping with fury or that I’m crazy mad at her. I drop the bag off my shoulder and go to her, wrapping her up in my arms and holding her tight.
“You’re gonna have to explain that a little better for me.” I scrunch her hair in my hand, ignoring the USB that's staring up at me from the table. I can’t even think about that right now. That's the past, what I got in my arms is the future, and it seems so much more important.
“I grew up without a father, Jessie.” She pulls back to look up at me. “And it was way harder than I made it out to be.” If she knew who her real father was, she’d be feeling lucky to have been spared that burden.
“I saw what my mom had to put herself through to put a roof over our heads. I envied all the kids who had Fathers show up at their sports days and recitals. I don’t want to put a kid through that, Jessie.”
“What do I have to do to prove to you what you mean to me? I’d never leave you. Maddy, I love you. That’s why us having a family means so much to me. I want to do things right with you. I want us to give our kids everything we never had.” I try explaining, and when she pulls completely away from me, the look on her face tells me I ain’t gonna like what she tells me next.
“Do you know that every time you walk out that door to go on a job, I pray? I beg God to bring you home to me. I understand that I signed up for that when I let myself fall in love with you. I get it, and I deal with it. But I can’t expect a child to do the same. Jessie, if I lost you, I wouldn’t be strong enough to support someone else. I choose to put myself through all that worry because I love you. But we’d both be selfish to expect a child to go through it.”
Her confession takes the breath out of my lungs.
Maybe she’s right. I’ve been that kid. I’m still feeling the pain of it now, eleven years on. Maybe, I’m selfish for wanting all that. Maybe, I’m selfish for wanting her.
“I’m not asking you to stop being who you are, I know how important the club is to you, and I love you for that. It’s just as important to me too. These people are my family now. But I know I’m not strong enough to deal with losing you out there, and I’m sure as hell not strong enough to get a child through it too.” Everything she says makes sense, real brutal, hard-hitting, fucking sense.
“I have to go.” I carefully slide my hand behind her head and drag her forehead onto my lips. And when I pull away, she’s staring up at me like I’ve just pulled a gun on her.
“Go where? Jessie, you can’t leave!”
“I have to.” My heart is splitting in two, but pain and anger are a lethal combination, and I can feel them merging together inside me, building into something I know I won’t be able to keep a hold on. I’m angry at Prez, and I may understand her reasoning, but I’m angry at her for thinking I’d let anything stop me from coming home to her. Most of all, I’m angry at myself for proving Prez’s theory right and wanting to get to Chop before Skid does right now.
“I love you so much. Jessie, please don’t go.”
“I love you too, but I ain’t in a good place right now,” I admit, stroking my thumb over her cheek and catching a tear.
“I don’t recognize myself right now. I don’t know what I’m capable of.” I grab her face in my hand and kiss her rosy pink lips.
“Please tell me you understand that.” I keep hold of her jaw.
She gives me no answer, just a look of pure fucking pain, as I release her to back away toward the door and pick my duffel bag up off the floor. I take one last look at her, knowing that this is the only way before turning around and heading out.
“Jessie!” She chases after me, and I look up at the heavens and pray she doesn't try to stop me. I may have the strength of a hundred bulls tensed inside my muscles, but I ain’t strong enough for that. She gets in front of me and blocks my path, and when I see the hurt I’m causing her, it almost brings me to my fuckin’ knees.
“You do whatever it takes to make you heal, but you make sure you come back to me, Jessie Donavon,” she warns me, roughly pulling at the front of my shirt and pressing her mouth hard into mine. I kiss her back just as fiercely, feeling my soul seep out of my body so I can leave it behind with her.
