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“I know it.”
“Meet me there alone, and we’ll do a trade. You bring me all that information that your brother sent you, and I’ll give your little junkie slut back. You got one hour.”
“And what happens if I don’t make it in an hour?” I ask, the hairs standing up on my skin.
“Then, your brother and his beloved will be reunited,” he threatens. “Make sure you come alone, Alex. Be the smart sibling, and I might let you keep your life.” The phone cuts out, and my hands shake as I load bullets into my pocket and tuck my gun into the back of my jeans. I’m marching toward the door when I remember the little problem on the other side of it. I could sneak out the back door, but I’ll never get to the car without him seeing me. I have to get to the club to get the file from Maddy's cabin, and to do that on foot will take me much longer than an hour.
That only leaves one option, so I run to the bathroom and quickly splash some water on my face to try and calm the flush in my cheeks. Drama was never my thing when I was in high school, but it's time to put on my best performance.
I head out the front door and find Squealer sitting on the porch step. He quickly stands up when he notices me, his hair dripping from the rain and his clothes stuck to his body. It puts an actual lump in my throat to think that he’d sit out here in the rain to protect us… Me.
“Where are you going?” he stands up, looking back at me suspiciously.
“To your stupid club,” I tell him, moving toward my car.
“I’ll give you a ride,” he says, looking pleasantly shocked as he follows me and places his hand on my driver's door before I can open it.
“I’m not riding your bike in this rain. I’ll get soaked. I’ll drive to the club, and you can go out searching with your buddies,” I try so hard to sound convincing, despite feeling guilty for lying to him.
“What's with the sudden change of heart?” He ain’t buying this. I need to do better.
“I felt bad, okay? I know your stubborn ass actually would sit out here all night, and I also know that you biker assholes like to stick together. So go join the others, and I’ll be at the club waiting when you find him. But let me warn you, Squealer,” I press the end of my finger into his solid sternum. “Hawker is as much mine as he is Troj’s to take down.” It may be a warning for dramatic effect, but I still mean every word. I’ve grown up having faith in the legal system, that isn’t about to change. I will not fall to the same level as a man like Hawker. Troj seems like a good person. I'm sure I can convince him.
“You’ve changed your tune suddenly.” Squealer still looks cautious.
And I have to grit my teeth a little to actually say the next part. “I’m a woman, it’s what we do,” I comment with a little added sass. And it seems to do the job because he steps back and opens the door for me.
“I’ll follow you to the club,” he tells me, shocking me when he grabs my chin and forces me into a kiss. It's been less than twenty-four hours, and I've already missed his lips on mine. The kiss leaves a bitter taste behind when more guilt settles into my chest. All he’s done since I told him I was pregnant is be kind to me, and I repay him by blocking him out and lying.
I squint to stop the tears in my eyes from releasing and gently pull away, sliding into my driver’s seat, starting up my engine and setting off toward the club.
Squealer follows tight behind me all the way to the club, and when we get to the entrance gates, he pulls up beside me.
“Go straight to the clubhouse. Everyone's inside,” he shouts over the rain, and I nod my head back at him.
“Be careful,” I tell him, and he reaches back inside my window to kiss me, with rain-soaked lips again, before I pull off and head up the dirt track.
I turn off my headlights when I get to the clubhouse in case he’s still watching from the road below, and I wait five long agonizing minutes for him to leave before I head further up the track toward the cabins.
All the cabins are deserted like I expect, and I rush to Jessie and Maddy’s door, hoping she’s left the Hawker file here. I expect to have to shoot the lock off but turns out it’s open, which is a relief. I didn’t really want to add breaking and entering to my list of sins tonight.
The file is exactly where I know Maddy keeps it, and I clutch it to my chest like it’s the most precious thing in the world as I race back to my car, refusing to let my brother down on the promise I made him.
It never fully goes away. You never remember any of that bad stuff. Just the relief and the blissful feeling of letting go as the liquid enters your veins. Some people even say they feel their souls lift from their bodies.
When you can’t have something, you always think of the things you’ll miss. I miss heroin every day, but I miss Danny more. When I was with him, he was my high, a flame in the darkness. And now that he isn’t here, it’s a daily struggle not to replace him with the poison my body craves.
I don’t know what brought me to Foresters Hill today. It’s cold and damp, the sky is grey, and the air is musty, but I felt inspired to draw. When you're working at the club, you sometimes hear shit that you aren’t supposed to. I’ve heard about the kids who came here to take drugs. I’ve also heard about how Nyx almost caved Luke Robinson's skull in again.
What no one at the club seems to realize is that once you’re hooked it doesn't matter what happens to your dealer; you just find another one. You’d scrape your limbless body through the fires of hell to chase that sensation of emptiness shooting up gives. I had no one tell me that when I first started using it, and I guess that’s why I’m here. To leave my story for the boys who are trying to locate a new supplier, who think that getting their next fix is more important than telling the people they care about that they love them.
There are no kids in the woods today. Maybe they weren't far gone enough for what happened to their friend to be a big enough warning. I still leave behind the picture that I felt inspired to draw while I sat here. It doesn’t belong in my portfolio for college. It belongs here, where it stands a chance of making a difference.
I’m packing up my sketchpad when the message comes through on my phone. Robbie wants to meet me, and it fills my empty heart with a little bit of light when I think about being with someone again. Alex has been amazing since she came into town. She hasn’t judged me like most people would. Mine and Ella’s relationship is getting stronger every day. But it’s not the same as having Danny. He left behind a void I never thought could be filled but, since speaking with Robbie, I’m starting to believe that the short time we get in this world is meant to be shared with people who matter, and I want what Ella has. I’d even take the fucked up relationship Alex has going on with Squealer right now.
I quickly fire a text back asking when and where, then rush back to Alex’s house to find something to wear. She’s on shift, and I know it’ll be late before she’s home, so after a few hours of trying on every outfit I own, I leave her a note on the fridge.
I like the look of the future I have here with Alex. We’ll always have Danny to keep us united, and just talking with someone who knew him the way I did makes the heartache of not having him with me a little more bearable. I straighten my hair and start to feel pretty good about myself as I head out the door to meet the guy I've been talking to for these past few months.
